Understanding What We Carry Through Life
25 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Have you ever found yourself reacting to a situation in a way that surprised you?
Perhaps a small criticism felt much bigger than it should have. Maybe you agreed to something you didn’t really want to do and later felt resentful. Or perhaps you found yourself having the same argument, in different forms, with different people throughout your life.
Many of us have moments when we wonder, “Why do I keep doing this?”
Often, these reactions are about more than the situation in front of us. They can be shaped by experiences, relationships, and messages we absorbed much earlier in life.
One of the reasons I appreciate Transactional Analysis (TA) is that it offers a practical and accessible way of understanding these patterns. Rather than seeing our reactions as irrational or confusing, TA invites us to become curious about where they came from and how they continue to influence our lives today.
At its heart, Transactional Analysis is about understanding ourselves, our relationships, and the choices available to us (Berne, 1961).
Different Parts of Ourselves
Transactional Analysis suggests that we move between different ways of thinking, feeling, and responding throughout the day.
Sometimes we draw on messages and beliefs we learned from parents, teachers, or other important figures in our lives. Sometimes we respond from a thoughtful, present-focused place. At other times, we react from a more emotional part of ourselves that carries feelings and experiences from earlier years.
TA refers to these as the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states (Berne, 1961).
These aren’t fixed parts of who we are. They are different ways of thinking, feeling, and responding that can become more noticeable in certain situations.
Most of us move between them without realising it. Becoming aware of these responses can help us understand ourselves more clearly and make sense of patterns that may have felt confusing or frustrating. With greater awareness often comes a greater sense of choice.
The Stories We Learn About Ourselves
As children, we make sense of the world with the information available to us.
We learn what is expected, what feels safe, how relationships work, and what we need to do to belong. Some of these messages are spoken directly. Others are communicated more subtly through family dynamics, culture, school experiences, and the way people respond to us.
For some people, particularly those who are neurodivergent, experiences of feeling different, misunderstood, or under pressure to fit in can become part of the story they carry about themselves. Over time, these experiences may shape expectations about relationships, belonging, and self-worth, often in ways that continue long into adulthood (Milton, 2012).
Perhaps we learn that we need to be strong, helpful, independent, successful, easy-going, or accommodating. Perhaps we come to believe that our needs are too much, that conflict should be avoided, or that mistakes make us less worthy of acceptance.
These beliefs often begin as creative ways of adapting to our circumstances. They help us navigate the world as we know it at the time.
The difficulty is that they can continue shaping our choices long after our lives have changed.
Transactional Analysis describes this as a life script: a set of beliefs and expectations about ourselves, other people, and life itself that influence the way we think, feel, and relate to the world (Harris, 1967; Stewart & Joines, 2012).
It’s a little like looking through a familiar lens. Over time, we can forget that it is only one way of seeing things.
The goal of therapy is to become more aware of our story, recognise which parts still fit and which parts we may have outgrown, and develop greater confidence in who we are becoming.
How Transactional Analysis Can Help
Many people find it relieving to discover that patterns which once felt confusing begin to make sense when viewed in the context of their life story.
A tendency to please others, difficulties setting boundaries and caring for yourself, fear of criticism or rejection, recurring relationship struggles, or feeling responsible for everyone around you can often be understood as part of a larger pattern rather than a personal failing. Seeing these patterns in context can help us respond to ourselves with greater understanding and self-compassion.
As we become more aware of the beliefs, expectations, and ways of relating that have shaped us, there is often more room for choice. Rather than automatically repeating familiar responses, we can begin to engage with ourselves and others in ways that feel more aligned with who we are today and what matters to us.
More Choice, More Freedom
One of the central ideas in Transactional Analysis is that change is possible.
While we cannot rewrite our past, we can develop a different relationship with the stories, beliefs, and expectations we carry. We can become more aware of the patterns that no longer serve us and make choices that reflect who we are today rather than who we needed to be years ago.
Many people find that this process brings a greater sense of clarity, self-understanding, and freedom in their relationships and everyday lives.
As Eric Berne (1961) believed, greater awareness creates the possibility for greater autonomy. When we understand ourselves more clearly, we are often better able to respond to life with intention rather than simply repeating familiar patterns.
If you’re curious about exploring these patterns and understanding yourself more deeply, therapy can provide a supportive space to do so.
You’re very welcome to get in touch if you’d like to find out
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
- Harris, T. A. (1967). I’m OK – You’re OK. Harper & Row.
- Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis (2nd ed.). Lifespace Publishing.
- Widdowson, M. (2010). Transactional Analysis: 100 Key Points and Techniques. Routledge.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.