How to Stop Beating Yourself Up and Rebuild Confidence
07 Oct – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
We all have moments when we’re our own harshest critic — replaying mistakes, doubting our abilities, or feeling like we’re never quite enough. But negative self-talk doesn’t make us stronger or more responsible, it simply keeps us stuck in patterns of shame and self-doubt.
In this article, we’ll explore why we justify being so hard on ourselves, how early experiences shape our self-esteem, and practical ways to rewrite that inner script so you can move forward with clarity, confidence, and self-compassion.
You’re doing your best
Juggling work, relationships, family, along with the the countless pressures of modern life. But no matter how much you achieve, there’s still that quiet, critical voice in your head.It might whisper after a mistake:
“I should’ve known better.” or “Why can’t I ever get it right?”
That voice can sound practical, even responsible, but it’s not. Negative self-talk doesn’t build character; it chips away at confidence. Psychologist Guy Winch calls this kind of thinking “emotional first aid gone wrong.” It’s meant to help us improve, but in reality, it just keeps old wounds open. Let’s look at why we keep doing it — and how to stop.
5 Common Reasons We Justify Negative Self-Talk — and Why None of Them Hold Up
1. “I’m just being honest with myself.”
Honesty is valuable — but harshness isn’t honesty, it’s self-punishment. It’s possible to take responsibility for a mistake without tearing yourself down.
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff shows that people who practice self-compassion are more motivated to learn from setbacks because they feel safe enough to grow.
2. “It keeps my ego in check.”
If you’re worrying about having a big ego, you’re already self-aware enough. Self-criticism doesn’t make you humble — it makes you hesitant.
True humility is being open to learning, not denying your strengths.
3. “It prepares me for disappointment.”
This is one of the most common myths.Telling yourself you’ll fail doesn’t protect you — it just sets you up to expect rejection. Confidence isn’t arrogance. It’s the quiet belief that you can handle whatever comes next.
4. “It’s who I am.”
Low self-esteem can start to feel like part of your identity, especially if it’s been around for years. But a bad day, a breakup, or a career setback doesn’t define your worth. As Brené Brown reminds us, shame says “I am bad,” while guilt says “I did something bad.”Only one of those allows for growth.
5. “I deserve it.”
Would you ever say to a friend, “You’re such an idiot for messing up”? Of course not. So why speak that way to yourself? You deserve the same kindness and patience you offer others. That’s not indulgent, it’s psychologically healthy.
Why Low Self-Esteem Feels So Hard to Shift
For many adults, low self-esteem doesn’t come from the present moment — it’s a leftover script from earlier years.As teenagers, we learned to measure ourselves through comparison — grades, appearance, popularity, performance. If we felt “less than” back then, those beliefs can quietly persist long into adulthood.
Even with promotions, relationships, or new achievements, we might still feel like we’re not enough — because the old emotional “software” is still running in the background.The good news? Like any outdated system, it can be updated.
How to Give Your Self-Esteem a ‘Software Update’
Step 1: Notice the Old Programming
When your inner critic speaks up, pause and ask yourself: “Whose voice is this?” It might sound like your own, but often it echoes an old teacher, parent, or younger version of you who didn’t yet know their worth. You wouldn’t hand your career or relationships to your teenage self — so don’t let them manage your self-worth now.
Step 2: Rewrite the Script
Try this reflective exercise, inspired by Dr. Guy Winch: 1. Write down 5–10 memories from your younger years when you felt unseen, unworthy, or not enough.2. For each one, add an update — a time in adulthood when you experienced the opposite: when you succeeded, connected, or were valued for who you are.This helps your unconscious mind recognize that the old story is outdated and that you’ve evolved far beyond it.
Step 3: Practice Daily Recalibration
When self-doubt creeps in, picture a teenager saying those harsh words to you. Would you take them seriously? Probably not. Smile, thank that younger version for trying to protect you, and gently remind yourself: “I’m not that person anymore. I’ve grown. I’m learning. I’m doing my best.”
With repetition, this becomes your new default inner dialogue — grounded, compassionate, and realistic.
Moving Forward with Self-Compassion
Whether you’re navigating the early stages of your career, balancing work and family, or reassessing your purpose in midlife or late adulthood, the way you speak to yourself matters.
Self-compassion is emotional resilience. It’s the foundation that allows you to keep showing up, even when things don’t go perfectly.
Therapy offers a safe space to understand where your inner critic comes from and to learn to replace it with a kinder way of speaking to yourself, a voice that supports your growth. You don’t need to earn your worth, only to remember it.
If you’re ready to quiet self-doubt and your inner critic and rebuild genuine confidence and a kinder relationship with yourself, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
- Winch, G. (2014). Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries.
- Plume.Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin.
- Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
- Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive Therapy and the Emotional Disorders. International Universities Press.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.