09 Oct – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog – published in Counselling Directory
Do you find yourself putting other people’s needs ahead of your own? Perhaps you’re always available for your partner, parents, friends or colleagues – listening, helping out, being there – and discovering that your own needs rarely ever make it onto the list.
This habit, often called people pleasing, can be a trap. It doesn’t just control your relationships but can control your self-worth, your choices and even your career. Knowing where these tendencies come from and how to gently release them can be a freeing step toward living more authentically.
Why people pleasing feels so hard to break
On first glance, people pleasing looks harmless, even admirable. It’s pleasant to care about others. But as a default response, it can be damaging.
Most people pleasers grew up in households where someone else’s needs always took centre stage, perhaps a troubled parent, a sibling in need of attention, or a family culture where self-sacrifice was the best thing.
Over time, this can generate an internal conflict: “Do I do what I need, or do I do what the other person needs?”
If you don’t, guilt can begin creeping in. Soon enough, your own feelings are numbed or less discernible because your focus is so heavily centred on other people’s emotions.
People pleasing can also become a career issue
Most who are in the habit do so by choosing ‘helping’ professions because they can read people well. But even in the workplace, overextending yourself can lead to burnout and resentment.
The subtle “hierarchy of needs”
Most people pleasers carry the unstated assumption: if someone else is suffering worse than me, their needs are more important. As understandable as it is to be empathetic, consistently denying your own needs will exhaust you.
Healthy relationships with family and friends, or romantic partners, are built on caring for one another. That is, each person expressing what they need, and each listening to the other. For others who have learned to prioritise others, this type of open discussion may seem foreign or risky.
Early roots and adult patterns
If you were in were in a ‘helping role’ as a child, it can be almost second-nature to do the same as an adult.
You might find yourself doing the following:
- falling back into old family habits during visits (“I feel like I’m eight again”)
- neglecting your own plans or friendships to accommodate others
- feeling resentful, guilty, or angry when your needs are not validated
Sometimes, helping others is a way of not facing your own painful emotions. Redirecting our focus away from ourselves can help to protect us from feeling our feelings.
Over time, though, this becomes one of the causes of the sense of detachment from your real self.
Why people-pleasing is a double-edged sword
Being the ‘fixer’ or ‘helper’ is also a potent experience. When you were a child, you may have been the sole one who could soothe an angry parent, get gratitude or praise for being so grown-up. That praise is like love and connection – but it keeps you in a place where your needs are secondary.
As adults, we might fear losing that need to feel needed. Releasing people-pleasing feels like losing part of yourself, even though it provides freedom.
Learning to recognise your own feelings
Releasing people pleasing starts with awareness. This isn’t about blaming yourself or judging yourself. It’s about noticing when you automatically put other people first.
It can be helpful to notice how you feel when you imagine saying “no” or speaking a need (guilt, fear, anger, anxiety, sadness).
What does your body do when you imagine prioritising yourself (tension, relief)?
Self-compassion: An essential ingredient
Most people pleasers have no experience with being and feeling their own feelings, especially difficult ones. Developing self-compassion allows you to be curious about your inside experience without judgment.
It’s understandable that you would be afraid of what could happen if you start expressing your needs. With practice, you can learn to trust that you can manage these feelings and recognise that establishing limits doesn’t mean that you’re leaving people behind. Actually, setting healthy boundaries can create stronger, more authentic relationships in your life.
Moving toward authentic relationships
Recovery from people-pleasing does not erase the past, but it could alter your present. By doing the work of speaking your needs in a more assertive way, even in a small moment, you can start to notice that your relationships are more fulfilling and reciprocal.
Steps that may be useful include:
Starting small – Practice sharing something real, such as a worry, a joy, when someone asks how you’re doing, rather than defaulting to “I’m fine.”
Or, begin to notice reciprocity. Ask yourself whether your relationships feel balanced, and what small shifts might help.
Another small step could be to gently redirect if a discussion becomes too heavy or crosses a line. E.g. being a “family counsellor”, you can say, “This feels too much for me. Maybe you can speak to someone professional about this. I’d like our relationship to feel different.”
Getting support – Give yourself permission to lean on friends or professionals for support rather than always being the strong one.
These steps may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to being the listener or caretaker. Change takes repetition and patience – like turning a large ship, it happens gradually.
Holding both truths
One of the steps out of people pleasing is embracing complexity. The parents or the relatives who depended on you may have been good and positive in some ways, and in other areas, failed you.
You can hold both truths at once. By gaining this perspective, you are able to see yourself and them more clearly without reverting to old patterns.
Dreaming of a different future
Even to just pretend to speak what you require is freeing. Ponder expressing yourself to a loved one, something you want, something you feel, or something you can’t provide – and surviving their reaction.
This fantasy rehearsal can prepare your body and mind for real change.You’re not the helpless child you once were anymore. As a grown adult, you can begin to listen to yourself and prioritise your own needs and well-being.
You can and should have balanced, authentic, and respectful relationships. It’s not selfish to take tiny steps toward recognising and articulating your own needs – it’s a form of self-care that will help you as much as it will help those you love.
Support along the way
Since these shifts can be emotionally overwhelming, it’s good to have some support, either from a close friend, a partner, or a counsellor.
You can experience guilt or fear when you assert yourself. Having someone hold your hand and remind you that you can set boundaries can be precious.
Counselling is a safe, non-judgmental space where you can discover where these patterns have developed, begin to reconnect with your own needs, learn new ways of relating, and begin the process of living in a way that feels freer, more balanced, and more authentic.
With time, it can help you transition away from the “people pleasing prison” and into a way of living where your needs and feelings are just as valued as other people’s.
References
- Kemmerzehl, K., 2025. How to stop people pleasing and start prioritising your needs. Counselling Directory.
- Cherry, K., 2025. How to stop being a people-pleaser. Verywell Mind.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.