Finding Meaning in the Human Condition
22 Oct – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
“This encounter, the very heart of psychotherapy, is a caring, deeply human meeting between two people.” — Irvin D. Yalom
There are moments when life grows abruptly precarious and fragile.
Perhaps it’s following the death of a loved one, having been diagnosed with illness, or lying awake at night with the question, ‘What will I leave behind when I’m gone?’
There are also times when an upcoming birthday, a change in a relationship, looking at old photos, or a new life chapter can prompt questions such as: “Am I really living the life I want? What gives my days meaning?”
These kinds of reflections can be uncomfortable, but they’re also an invitation – to live with more awareness and authenticity. Existential therapy provides a way of investigating these questions, not just as theoretical concepts but as lived moments.
Beyond symptom or diagnosis, existential therapy deals with what it is to be human: how we cope with freedom, change, love, loss, and the reality of our finite existence.
It is a method that draws on the work of many thinkers, such as Viktor Frankl, who wrote about finding meaning in suffering; Rollo May, who explored courage and creativity; Emmy van Deurzen, who invites us to embrace life’s tensions; and Irvin D. Yalom, who captured the raw humanity of therapy itself.
It also resonates the teachings of the Stoic philosophers. Philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus, who instilled that although we do not have control over what occurs to us, we have control over how we react. Both existential therapy and Stoicism pose the question: How do we live well when life is not certain?
The Four Existential Realities
Yalom specified four ultimate concerns at the very core of our existence: death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. These reveal themselves in subtle ways – in anxiety, restlessness, indecision, or loneliness. Therapy, self-reflection and life experiences can make us aware of them so we can face them with honesty and valor.
1. Death — Awareness That Gives Life Meaning
Yalom said, “Whether I shall live long or short, I’m alive now, at the moment… What I desire is to be intimate with the awareness that life is fleeting. And then, in the light of that awareness, to know how to live.” (Yalom, 2015)
Facing our mortality is perhaps the most profound human challenge. Some people come to therapy after losing someone they love, or when a health scare or crisis makes them realise how fragile life is.
Others are haunted by thoughts of legacy. What will remain of me when I’m gone?
While death can cause fear or grief, Yalom and the Stoics also agree that accepting death can unleash gratitude. Every morning, Marcus Aurelius reminded himself: “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.”
In therapy, the acceptance of impermanence has a tendency to invoke a gentle shift to live life more fully. In accordance with Yalom’s saying ‘Although the physicality of death destroys us, the idea of death can save us’, people can begin to find beauty in everyday moments, reconnect with loved ones, or make room for what is truly significant. Far from being paralysed by the fact of death, some begin living for it.
2. Freedom — The Challenge and Gift of Choice
Freedom is exciting and scary. Consider a person who breaks up a long, problematic relationship. First, there is relief, but then, fresh fear arises: What’s next? What if I get it wrong?
Erich Fromm spoke of the “fear of freedom,” noting that while freedom allows us to grow and express ourselves, it can also feel overwhelming, sometimes leading us to seek safety in conformity or routine. True freedom, he suggested, requires courage, the willingness to face uncertainty, take responsibility for our choices, and live authentically despite fear (Fromm, 1941).
Yalom observed, “As long as he denies his own agency, real change is unlikely because his attention will be directed toward changing his environment rather than himself (Yalom, 2001).”
Existentially, we are totally free – free to make our lives, but also responsible for the outcome. And this can be feel liberating, but also frightening. In therapy, this paradox is a fertile ground for growth: therapist and client collaborate to find out what is necessary to take responsibility for one’s life, to act purposefully rather than out of habit.
Here, the Stoic view fits well. Epictetus instructed that although we can’t control the external circumstances, we can determine our attitude about them.
As Rollo May summarized it, “Freedom is the capacity to pause” – to halt, to think, and to act consciously. This reinforces a central existential concept: freedom isn’t in modifying all around us. It’s selecting how we engage with life as it exists.
Therapy can assist in living more consciously and not to let your life live you.
3. Isolation — Between Togetherness and Aloneness
We are basically social beings, but nobody can ever get to know our inner lives thoroughly. Existential therapy understands the paradox: we long to be connected, but we are forever alone.
Yalom said, “To fully relate to another, one must first relate to oneself. If we cannot embrace our own aloneness, we will simply use the other as a shield against isolation (Yalom, 1980).”
Many people in therapy notice feelings of loneliness or isolation. Some fear being alone or feel invisible, and experience feelings of loneliness and isolation even in relationships and friendships.
One client may plan out each and every hour so as not to have quiet alone time and another may feel invisible amidst the throngs of people around him.
Therapy can support people to learning to tolerate one’s own presence, not alone, but in acceptance. When we are able to tolerate being with ourselves, our relationships are freer and more genuine. We connect not from emptiness, but from wholeness.
The Stoics, too, valued this inner solidity. They believed that in order to create an “inner citadel”, a rational and firm self, allowed us to relate to others without losing ourselves. Therapy can make that inner fortitude possible.
4. Meaninglessness — The Search for Purpose
At some point, almost all of us wonder, What’s the purpose? It might come after a major shift, such as children leaving home, retirement, a divorce, or in quieter moments of reflection.
According to Yalom, “Ask yourself, ‘Who are the secure ones, the comfortable, the eternally cheerful?’ I’ll tell you the answer: only those with dull vision—the common people and the children (Yalom, 1992).”
That is, questioning meaning is a way of being awake and aware. Existential therapy doesn’t dispense pre-packaged answers. It assists individuals in constructing meaning in the life they lead, activities they do, the values they live, and the relationships they have.
Viktor Frankl, a survivor of the Holocaust, characterized meaning as the “why” which enables us to survive any “how.” For some, meaning exists in relationships or creativity. For others, in assisting others, in learning, or in simply living honestly.
The Stoics too derived purpose in living according to nature and virtue, kind, and in integrity. Therapy leaves space to remember what brings aliveness, meaning, and belonging into one’s life story.
The Therapeutic Relationship: Two Fellow Travellers
“Therapists are frequently stumbling, making it up as they go, and fumbling along… The tempting risk of achieving absoluteness by a solid therapeutic system is dangerous (Yalom, 2002).”
For Yalom, therapy is a meeting of peers, a friendship of honesty, empathy, and curiosity. He saw therapist and client as fellow travelers on the same human journey, each with his or her own struggles and wisdom.
This vision embraces authenticity. The therapist is not the distant expert, but a person willing to meet another in his or her vulnerability. There, in that safe space, healing happens, not from technique, but from authentic relationship.
This is an expression of the Stoic precept that wisdom is a shared thing. We support one another by sympathy, by insight, and by courage, but not by pretending to have a monopoly on it.
Existential Therapy Today
In a world of distraction, comparison, and ever-seeking confirmation, existential therapy offers something different: permission to slow down and inquire, asking ourselves: ‘What matters?’ ‘Who am I and what is important to me?’ ‘How can I live my life now that in 10 years from today I won’t look back with regrets?’
It does not promise uninterrupted happiness, but it allows people to live more in the here-and-now, freely, and truthfully. To quote Emmy van Deurzen, “Existential therapy is about learning to live more fully, rather than seeking to be happy all the time.”
Exploring existential topics can energise therapy. It allows us to get back in touch with our values, helps us to accept imperfection, and welcome life as it is, with all its contradictions, losses, opportunities, and beauty.
As a therapist with an interest in Existential Therapy, I value the understanding and depth that can emerge for both client and therapist when there’s room to reflect on life’s bigger questions – what truly matters, where we find meaning, and how we can live life with fewer regrets, more fully and more present in the here and now. If this is something you’d like to explore, please feel free to reach out.
References
- Aurelius, M. (2002). Meditations (G. Hays, Trans.). Modern Library.
- Epictetus. (2008). The Art of Living (S. Lebell, Trans.). HarperCollins.
- Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s Search for Meaning. New York: Simon & Schuster.
- Fromm, E. (1941). Escape from Freedom. New York: Farrar & Rinehart.
- May, R. (1981). Freedom and Destiny. New York: Norton.
- van Deurzen, E. (2012). Existential Counselling & Psychotherapy in Practice (3rd ed.). London: Sage.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. New York: Basic Books.
- Yalom, I. D. (1992). When Nietzsche Wept. New York: Basic Books.
- Yalom, I. D. (2002). Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy. Penguin: London.
- Yalom, I. D. (2015). Creatures of a Day: And Other Tales of Psychotherapy. Piatkus: London.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.