Why They Matter and How to Navigate Them
13 Nov – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Relationships are the heart of being human. They shape how we see ourselves and the world around us. From my work as a therapist, I’ve noticed one thing above all: the issues that trouble people most often involve other people. And, as Sartre so provocatively put it, hell really is other people.
Managing relationships in all aspects of our life, including with partners, family, friends, colleagues, and oneself, isn’t always easy.
Difficult relationships can cause the deepest frustration, the most confusion, and sometimes even real anguish. This leaves many of us wondering, ‘Why Are Other People So Awful?‘.
And yet, as much as we might feel let down by others, human beings are inherently social creatures. Relationships are central to our sense of self and well-being. They shape how we see the world, how we interpret our experiences, and how we feel about ourselves.
The people around us act as mirrors, reflecting our strengths, vulnerabilities, and recurring patterns back to us. Positive interactions make us feel valued and seen, while challenging encounters offer opportunities for growth, provided we can recognise the lesson without being overwhelmed by hurt.
Struggling with relationships is universal. We long to belong yet fear rejection; we crave intimacy yet worry that others won’t understand us. Often, we project our insecurities onto others or interpret their behaviour through old experiences.
In these moments, it helps to shift our focus from “Why is this happening?” to “How do I organise my life and reactions in ways that create these patterns?”
Understanding these dynamics is the first step toward navigating relationships with clarity, compassion, and agency, and learning how to turn even frustration and disappointment into insight and self-awareness. How can we handle emotional situations with more sanity and wisdom?
The Stories We Tell Ourselves — and How Our Expectations Get in the Way
One of the most common obstacles in relationships is the narrative we create about other people’s intentions. We interpret actions through our own lens, assuming the worst or expecting familiar patterns from the past to repeat themselves.
For example, a colleague might feel another team member isn’t supportive because they rarely offer help, while that person is quietly managing their own heavy workload and trying not to overstep.
Similarly, a friend’s last-minute cancellation can feel like personal rejection, when in reality they may be juggling multiple responsibilities or dealing with stress.
These mental stories can escalate minor disappointments into larger emotional reactions. By pausing and questioning our assumptions, we can distinguish between perception and reality, respond with empathy, and avoid unnecessary conflict.
Asking ourselves clarifying questions like, “Could there be another reason for this behaviour?” or “Am I reading this through the lens of a past experience?” can help us see situations from a new perspective.
The Flaky Friend
Many of us have experienced a friend who seems unreliable – someone who frequently cancels plans, responds late, or drifts in and out of our lives. It’s easy to take this personally, but doing so can intensify feelings of rejection and insecurity.
Before assuming the friendship is failing, it helps to step back and consider the bigger picture. If this person has been in your life for years and shows up, even inconsistently, it likely indicates that they value the relationship in their own way.
People have different relational styles: some thrive on spontaneity and flexibility, others on routine and structure. What feels like inconsistency to one person may be someone else’s way of coping with life’s demands.
These dynamics can also reflect patterns from our past. As Lori Gottlieb (2020) notes, we often unconsciously recreate relational dynamics from childhood.
If we grew up seeking approval from a parent who was emotionally unpredictable, we might be drawn to friends or partners who similarly fluctuate in availability, even when it causes frustration.
Recognising these patterns empowers us to choose how to respond, whether that’s adjusting expectations, asserting boundaries, or simply practising acceptance.
Practical steps include communicating openly about how the pattern affects you, managing expectations by making plans with backup options, and reflecting on the role you typically take in friendships.
Often, being the initiator can be a strength that reflects loyalty and commitment, as long as it doesn’t come at the expense of your own needs.
The Past and the Present
Our early attachment experiences profoundly shape how we relate to others. Waalin (2018) explains that avoidant, anxious, and secure attachment styles influence how we interpret friends’ or partners’ behaviour and how we respond to conflict.
For instance, someone with an avoidant style might withdraw when a friend expresses closeness, while someone with an anxious style may seek constant reassurance.
It’s important to recognise when a present-day reaction is really echoing a past experience. A sudden feeling of rejection may be less about a friend’s behaviour and more about unresolved feelings from childhood.
By exploring these patterns, we can prevent old scripts from dictating our current relationships. A practical approach is to pause during emotionally charged moments and ask, “Does this reaction belong to the present, or is this a familiar experience?”
This reflection allows us to respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. Over time, awareness can even help shift attachment patterns toward greater security and emotional resilience.
Conflict and How We Argue
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but it becomes damaging when we repeat the same patterns without understanding why. Most of us have three primary coping modes: thinking, feeling, and doing. Misalignment between these modes can create tension.
For example, a “doer” may want immediate solutions, whereas a “thinker” prefers to reflect before taking action, and a “feeler” might need space to process emotions before moving forward. Misunderstandings arise when these preferences are ignored.
A doer may become frustrated at a thinker’s indecision, while the thinker feels pressured or unheard. Recognising these differences fosters empathy, reduces frustration, and allows more effective communication (Perry, 2023).
During conflicts, it helps to ask: “What does the other person and I need right now?” and “How can I respond in a way that respects both of our personalities?” Even small adjustments, like listening without immediately offering solutions, can improve relational outcomes.
Struggling with Change
Life is full of inevitable shifts: friends drift apart, relationships evolve, and roles change. Even when expected, change can feel like a loss.
A parent may struggle as a teenager asserts independence, or a long-term friendship may shift as circumstances alter priorities.
We often make things harder by judging our own feelings, such as scolding ourselves for feeling sad. It can be helpful to scheduling dedicated time to process emotions. Even 30 minutes a day of reflection, journaling, or quiet contemplation can create a safe space to work through grief, anger, or disappointment (Perry, 2023).
Accepting change also involves recognising the parts of relationships that remain constant. Even as dynamics shift, opportunities for connection, empathy, and mutual support often persist. The goal isn’t to resist change but to navigate it with awareness, compassion, and agency.
How we feel and how it ‘looks’
It can be helpful to distinguish between internal and external referencing. Internal referencing involves paying attention to your own emotional and bodily responses, tuning into how situations truly feel. External referencing is judging yourself by appearances or by how others might perceive you.
Conflicts often arise when these two are misaligned. For example, you may stay in a friendship or relationship because it “looks good” externally, even if internally it feels draining.
Cultivating internal referencing and listening to your feelings helps prioritise relationships that genuinely nourish you and ensures that your actions align with your needs, values, and emotional health (Perry, 2003; Zimbardo et al., 2016).
Self-Reflection: Seeing Patterns Clearly
Relationships mirror not just others, but ourselves. Patterns of disappointment or conflict often echo early experiences. When a friend cancels plans repeatedly, it may stir feelings of being overlooked or unworthy, with patterns rooted in childhood (Gottlieb, 2020).
Reflecting on these tendencies can help you make a conscious choice rather than an automatic reaction. Ask yourself:
- Do I often take responsibility for maintaining relationships?
- Do I feel hurt when others fail to meet my expectations?
- Am I drawn to people who unconsciously recreate familiar emotional dynamics?
Reflecting on these questions can help to break cycles of self-sabotage and foster healthier, more fulfilling connections.
The philosophical view
Jean-Paul Sartre’s ideas on relationships offer a thought-provoking lens on love and friendship. He believed that every person is fundamentally free, which means that in romantic relationships, we often struggle between wanting someone to be ours and respecting their independence (Sartre, 1943/1993).
This tension can lead to conflict, jealousy, or even feelings of inadequacy. Friendships, too, are tested by this dynamic. True connection requires appreciating the other person as a separate, autonomous individual rather than trying to possess or define them.
Sartre reminds us that the healthiest relationships are those where both people acknowledge each other’s freedom, embracing connection without losing themselves.
Practical Tips for Managing Relationship Challenges
- Don’t take it personally – Many lapses or cancellations reflect the other person’s challenges, not your value.
- Have one honest conversation – Express your feelings clearly without demanding change.
- Manage expectations – Plan ahead, consider backups, and avoid putting all energy into uncertain arrangements.
- Accept the trade-off – Relationships have joys and frustrations. Determine whether the positives outweigh the effort.
- Reflect on your patterns – Awareness of your own tendencies improves self-understanding and relational health.
- Value your effort – Being the glue in relationships is a strength, but don’t neglect your own needs.
What Truly Matters: Connection and Fulfilment
External markers such as social approval or appearances often mislead us about what makes a relationship meaningful. True fulfilment usually comes from internal referencing and listening to your emotions and letting them guide decisions.
By understanding your needs, limits, and values, you can invest energy in relationships that genuinely nourish you, rather than those that simply “look good.” Connection, empathy, and mutual respect are the heart of meaningful relationships.
Growing Through Relationships
Relationships teach us not only about others but also about ourselves. They reveal our strengths, vulnerabilities, and capacity for compassion. Even when people frustrate or disappoint us, they provide mirrors that help us grow.
A flaky friend, a cancelled plan, or a relationship conflict can leave you feeling unsettled. Yet these moments also highlight patterns, needs, boundaries, and opportunities for change.
If you’d like help making sense of these experiences and navigating them with more self-compassion and emotional awareness, counselling can help. You’re welcome to get in touch.
Personal well-being comes from choosing relationships that align with who we are. When we understand and listen to our emotions and what they’re telling us, we can form connections that feel more genuine and long-lasting.
References
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly. Gotham Books.
- Gottlieb, L. (2020). Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Perry, P. (2023). The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read. Penguin.
- Waalin, K. (2018). Attachment Theory in Practice. Routledge.
- Siegel, D. (2012). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.
- Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish. Free Press.
- Sartre, J.-P. (1993). Being and nothingness (H. E. Barnes, Trans.). Washington Square Press. Original work published 1943
- Zimbardo, P. G., Johnson, R. L., & McCann, V. (2016). Psychology: Core Concepts (8th ed.). Pearson.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.