Here’s What Many People Don’t Expect
23 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Starting counselling can feel like a big step.
You may have been thinking about it for a while, or perhaps you’ve only recently started considering it. Either way, you may have a few questions.
Will I know what to say?
Will I have to start from the beginning?
Will my therapist understand me, or will I spend the session trying to explain how my mind works?
What if my problems don’t seem “serious enough”?
What if things will never change?
What if my thoughts jump from one thing to another, I lose my train of thought, or I can’t find the words?
What if I’ve become so used to putting other people first, adapting to fit in, or keeping everything together that I’m not even sure what I need anymore?
These are some of the questions I hear most often.
The reality of counselling is often much more natural, collaborative and human than people expect.
1. You don’t have to know where to begin
Many people worry they’ll start with a conversation and suddenly have to explain everything perfectly. That rarely happens.
Some people arrive with one clear reason for coming. Others have a sense that something isn’t right: life feels harder, less hopeful, or that they feel more overwhelmed than before.
Some bring notes because they’re worried they’ll forget what they wanted to say. Others begin with, “I’m not really sure where to start.” All of those are completely ok.
You don’t need the right words or a perfectly organised story. Part of my role is helping you make sense of what’s on your mind, even when it feels muddled or difficult to put into words. We simply begin where you are.
2. It can feel surprisingly unusual to be listened to
Many of us spend a lot of our lives listening to other people, solving problems, adapting to other people’s needs, or trying to explain ourselves.
Counselling offers something that can feel different: someone listening with genuine curiosity, warmth and care, without interrupting, judging or expecting you to be anyone other than yourself.
For people who have often felt misunderstood, or who have spent years masking parts of themselves, this can take a little getting used to. Over time, many people describe it as a relief. As Carl Rogers (1961) believed, being deeply heard and accepted creates the conditions for growth and change.
Something else often happens too. When someone else begins listening differently, you may find yourself listening to yourself differently as well.
3. What brings you to counselling isn’t always the whole story
People come to counselling for all sorts of reasons.
Perhaps anxiety has become exhausting. Maybe a relationship has reached a difficult point. Perhaps work or social life is leaving you feeling left out or drained. Maybe you’d like to come to terms with a new diagnosis, or look at your experiences from a neurodivergent perspective. Or a life change has knocked you off balance.
As we begin talking, other pieces of the puzzle often start to connect.
You might notice patterns you’ve never really thought about before. Perhaps you’ve always found yourself looking after everyone else. Perhaps you’ve spent years wondering why everyday life seems to take so much energy. Perhaps you’ve become so used to meeting other people’s expectations that you’ve lost sight of what feels right for you.
Therapy is about becoming curious about your own experience and understanding yourself with greater compassion. As Lori Gottlieb (2019) writes in Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, therapy isn’t about someone else having all the answers. Often it’s about helping people see their own lives more clearly.
4. Change is usually quieter than people imagine
Films often portray therapy as one dramatic breakthrough. More often, change appears in ordinary moments.
You notice you weren’t so hard on yourself after making a mistake, or you say no without apologising several times.
You stop replaying a conversation over and over before you go to sleep.
Someone comments that you seem calmer, and you realise they’re probably right.
These moments can seem small, but they often tell an important story.
Over time, they begin to change the way you experience everyday life. As Irvin Yalom (2009) reminds us, lasting change often happens through many small moments of insight, honesty and connection rather than one life-changing conversation.
5. Therapy isn’t always comfortable
Some sessions leave people feeling lighter. Others leave them with something to think about.
Looking honestly at ourselves isn’t always easy, especially if you’ve spent a long time pushing your own feelings aside or simply trying to get through each day.
The discomfort can also mean that you’re beginning to make sense of experiences that have been waiting for your attention for a long time.
The difference is that you don’t have to do that on your own.
6. You Don’t Have to Be Sure – or Wait Until Things Get Worse
It’s completely normal to feel unsure about starting counselling.
Many people spend weeks, months, or even years wondering whether they should get in touch. They tell themselves they’ll wait until life feels a little calmer, until they’re more certain, or until they can cope a bit longer.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Research suggests that deciding to seek support is often a gradual process rather than a single decision, with many people taking time to weigh things up before reaching out (Rickwood et al., 2005).
There isn’t a perfect time to begin. You don’t have to have everything worked out before you contact a therapist, and you don’t have to wait until things feel unbearable either.
Some people come because they’re feeling overwhelmed. Others come because they’ve noticed a pattern they want to understand, they’re finding a life transition difficult, or they’re simply curious about themselves and want to make sense of what’s been happening. Curiosity, on its own, can be enough.
7. Sometimes Growth Means Looking at Things Differently
One of the most valuable parts of counselling is having someone alongside you who can notice things that are difficult to see on your own.
Of course, feeling heard and understood matters. Research has consistently shown that a trusting therapeutic relationship is one of the strongest foundations for meaningful change (Norcross & Lambert, 2019).
At the same time, therapy isn’t simply about having someone agree with everything you say.
Sometimes I might gently wonder about a pattern you’ve become so used to that you hardly notice it anymore. I may ask a question that invites you to see a situation from a different perspective, or notice strengths in yourself that you’ve overlooked.
Those conversations are about creating space for new possibilities. As Petrūska Clarkson (2003) suggests, therapy is at its best when support and thoughtful challenge sit alongside one another. Often it’s this balance that helps people grow.
8. It’s Common to Wonder What Your Therapist Thinks of You
People don’t often say this out loud, but many worry about whether they’re doing therapy “properly.”
They wonder if they’re talking too much, or not enough.
They worry they’ll cry, or that they won’t.
They wonder whether they’re making sense.
If you’ve spent a lot of your life trying to get things “right” or worrying about how other people see you, it’s understandable that those thoughts might show up in therapy too. The good news is that there isn’t a correct way to be in counselling.
You don’t have to impress your therapist or say the “right” things. You’re welcome exactly as you are.
9. There Is Room for All Emotions
Many people wonder how they’ll feel in counselling. Everyone’s experience is different, and there isn’t one particular way to feel.
Some sessions may bring sadness, anger, relief, hope or moments of laughter. You might feel emotional one week and reflective the next. Sometimes you may leave with a sense of clarity. Other times, you might feel lighter because you’ve been able to say something out loud that you’ve been carrying on your own.
All of those experiences are welcome. Counselling is about making space for your experience, whatever that happens to be, and exploring it with curiosity.
As Irvin Yalom (2009) reminds us, one of the most healing aspects of therapy is the genuine human relationship itself. Feeling able to bring your whole self into that relationship, including your emotions, can be a powerful experience.
10. Therapy Has Its Own Rhythm
You might notice your therapist occasionally glancing at the clock during a session.
It isn’t because they’re distracted or eager to finish.
Part of a therapist’s role is keeping an eye on time so that there’s enough space to bring the session to a thoughtful close. Ending well is an important part of the therapeutic process, helping to create a sense of safety and continuity (Yalom, 2009).
Endings matter too. Towards the end of each session, you’ll usually notice we begin slowing things down.
Having time to gather your thoughts before you leave can help you feel more grounded and gives you space to reflect on what we’ve explored together during the week.
11. Your Thoughts and Feedback Matter
Every therapeutic relationship is unique, and part of the process is discovering what helps you feel supported, understood, and able to make progress.
From time to time, I’ll ask how you’re finding the sessions and whether there are particular areas you’d like us to spend more time exploring. Sometimes you might arrive wanting to talk about one thing, only to realise something else feels more important that day. That’s completely okay. We’ll keep checking in and make space for whatever feels most helpful to you.
Your thoughts, questions, and feedback are always welcome. Research consistently shows that one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes in therapy is the quality of the relationship between therapist and client (Norcross & Lambert, 2019). Working together openly and collaboratively helps shape the therapy around what matters most to you.
12. Therapy Can Change the Relationship You Have With Yourself
Many people come to counselling hoping to feel less anxious, more confident, or better able to cope. Those things can happen. Often, the changes people notice are woven into everyday life.
You might find yourself speaking to yourself with a little more kindness after a difficult day. Perhaps it becomes easier to say no when something doesn’t feel right. You may start trusting your own judgement instead of constantly looking to other people for reassurance. And little by little, there can be less pressure to hide parts of yourself or keep trying to be the person you think you ought to be.
Life doesn’t suddenly become perfect, and there will still be difficult days. But those days don’t always feel so overwhelming.
You may notice yourself recovering more quickly after a setback, worrying less about getting everything right, or feeling more able to make decisions that reflect who you are rather than who you think you should be.
As Carl Rogers (1961) wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
For many people, counselling is about reconnecting with themselves, making sense of their experiences, feeling more at ease with who they are, and discovering that while life isn’t perfect, it can be good enough, meaningful and fulfilling.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Clarkson, P. (2003). The therapeutic relationship (2nd ed.). Whurr Publishers.
- Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe you should talk to someone. Scribe.
- Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (Eds.). (2019). Psychotherapy relationships that work. Oxford University Press.
- Rickwood, D., Deane, F. P., Wilson, C. J., & Ciarrochi, J. (2005). Young people’s help-seeking for mental health problems. Australian e-Journal for the Advancement of Mental Health, 4(3), 218–251.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.
- Yalom, I. (2009). The gift of therapy. HarperCollins.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.