When Autumn Makes You Think About Your Life

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Reflecting on change, connection and what matters

12 Sept – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

There is something grounding about this time of year. The air turns cooler, the leaves begin to change, and you come home from a walk ready for a warm drink. Perhaps you finally pick up that book you have been meaning to read for months.

There is something comforting about getting the house a little cosier too, putting on a jumper, lighting a candle and settling down for the day as it gets dark a little earlier.

For some people, autumn is a welcome change after a busy summer.

But there can be something else about this time of year too. As life becomes a little quieter, you may start noticing things that were easier to overlook when you were busy with work, holidays, plans and everything else that fills up everyday life.

You might find yourself thinking:

Am I happy with my life?

Is this really where I want to be?

Why don’t I feel happier when things are going well?

Why do I feel so tired and overwhelmed lately?

Why do I feel lonely when I enjoy time by myself?

Why do I keep buying things or looking for something new when I already have so much?

You may not know exactly what it is, just have a sense that something seems off.

Autumn can feel different for everyone

Autumn can be a lovely time of year, but it does not feel the same for everyone.

As the days become shorter, you might notice changes in your energy, mood, motivation or concentration. For some people, autumn and winter can bring seasonal affective disorder, or make existing difficulties more noticeable (NHS, 2025).

There can be a social side to this too. Summer often brings more opportunities to be around people, whether that is sitting outside somewhere, going for walks, meeting friends, taking trips and being out and about.

When autumn arrives and there are fewer opportunities to do these things, you might notice that you miss some of those experiences.

Loneliness can be complicated. You can enjoy your own company and still want connection. You can have people in your life and still feel misunderstood, or enjoy spending time with someone but find the effort of keeping in touch exhausting. Sometimes what is missing is not more people, but a particular kind of connection.

Autumn through a neurodivergent lens

For some neurodivergent people, autumn can actually feel like a relief. The heat and bright sunlight have gone, the summer crowds have eased, and there may be less pressure to be out and about. Cooler weather, quieter evenings and a more settled pace can simply feel more comfortable.

At the same time, the change of season can bring other things into focus. You might enjoy having more time at home but also notice that you are feeling more isolated. You might welcome slower days while missing some of the opportunities to see people that came more naturally during the summer.

Research with autistic adults suggests that loneliness is not simply about how much social contact someone has, but also about feeling understood, accepted and able to have meaningful relationships (Grace et al., 2022).

For people with ADHD and AuDHD, seasonal changes may bring shifts in mood and everyday patterns too. A recent study found that ADHD traits were associated with greater seasonal changes in mood and behaviour, including changes in sleep and other aspects of daily life (Jo et al., 2025).

You might find that autumn gives you something you have been needing, such as quieter evenings, less social pressure or more time at home. You might also notice that you are more tired, less motivated or finding your usual routines harder to keep up with.

There is no particular way you are supposed to feel about this time of year. It can be worth noticing what the change of season brings up for you, including what you enjoy, what feels difficult and what you might be missing.

When Life Looks Fine, But Something Feels Missing

There are times when life can look perfectly okay from the outside, yet something inside doesn’t feel right.

Sometimes, counselling starts with that feeling. Not necessarily because something is terribly wrong, but because you’ve begun to notice that things have changed and you’d like some space to understand it.

You may have spent years doing what seemed sensible. You found your way through work, relationships and all the decisions that come with life. Maybe you found a career that suited you, changed direction a few times, found a home that felt right, decided whether or not to have children, moved somewhere new, or simply got on with what needed to be done.

And then, somewhere along the way, you started wondering whether this life still feels like yours.

Sometimes something specific has happened. A relationship has ended. Work has become difficult. You have received a diagnosis. Worry or low mood has become harder to manage. You might be going through a major change in your life.

And sometimes there is no obvious reason at all.

You might think, I don’t know what’s wrong. I just don’t feel like myself.

Or perhaps, Nothing bad has happened. I just feel stuck.

Sometimes this is when counselling can offer a helpful space to slow things down and make sense of what has been on your mind. You may not know exactly what you want to change, or even what is bothering you, but you may have a sense that something is off.

This can happen at any age. Perhaps you thought your life would look different by now, or imagined a particular relationship, family, career, friendship group or way of living. Even when life is generally okay, there can still be sadness about what didn’t happen. We can sometimes carry a sense of the life we imagined alongside the life we are actually living (Yalom, 1980).

Sometimes it is only when life becomes a little quieter that we notice what has been sitting underneath the busyness. Perhaps that is part of what autumn gives us: a little more space to notice how we are actually feeling and what matters to us now.

Do I need a different life, or do I need something different within this one?

This can be one of the harder things to work out. Sometimes something really does need to change. A relationship may no longer feel right, work might be making you unhappy, or you may have realised that the life you have built no longer fits who you are.

And sometimes we start looking for the answer in whatever comes next. Perhaps it is a different job or a new relationship, moving somewhere new, meeting people through dating or friendship apps, changing your routines or simply wondering whether starting again somewhere else might help.

There is nothing wrong with wanting something different. Finding a relationship where you feel understood, making new friends, finding work that feels meaningful or wanting more connection can all be important parts of building a life that feels right for you (Baumeister & Leary, 1995).

You might be looking for a partner, new friendships or more opportunities to meet people who share your interests. Everyone is different, too. For some people, having lots of friends and social contact feels energising. For others, a few close relationships may feel more meaningful.

For some autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people, finding the right fit can be particularly important. You may have spent time in relationships or social situations where you felt you had to mask, keep up or adapt yourself to fit in. You might also find experiences of rejection particularly difficult, which can make feeling accepted and understood especially important.

Feeling understood and accepted can make a real difference to how connected we feel, and research with autistic adults has highlighted the importance of meaningful relationships, acceptance and belonging (Umagami et al., 2022).

It is not always about having more people in your life. Sometimes it is about finding the people with whom you can feel comfortable, relaxed, and able to be yourself. Perhaps an important question could be “What kind of connection actually feels right for me?”

Listening to what yourself again

There can be something similar in the way we think about our lives more generally. It is easy to get caught up in the feeling that we should be doing better, feeling better or making more of our lives.

There is always another area to work on, another habit to change or another version of ourselves we could become.

Perhaps you have spent so long thinking about what you should want that it has become difficult to hear what you actually want.

Rogers explained in his person-centred approach how we can become disconnected from our own experience when we focus too much on meeting other people’s expectations (Rogers, 1951).

You might feel like something is missing, but not know what. You might start wondering, “Is this really it?” or whether you need to change your whole life.

Sometimes, though, it may be less about changing everything and more about figuring out what you actually want from your life. At other times, a change really is needed. Counselling can also be a chance to understand yourself a little better and think about what matters to you, how you want to live, and what gives your life a sense of meaning (Yalom, 1980).

When autumn makes us want to buy things

There is another side to this time of year that can be easy to overlook. There is always something new being offered to us.

Autumn brings candles and blankets, new mugs and decorations, clothes and boots. Then Christmas starts appearing in the shops, along with presents to think about. You might also find yourself looking at skincare, wellness products or things that promise to make your home, appearance or everyday life feel a little better.

There’s nothing wrong with buying things you like. Buying something you genuinely want can be fun, and sometimes a small change really can make everyday life feel a little nicer. It can also be interesting to notice when you’re buying something because you really want it, and when you’re hoping it will make you feel a little better.

You see something you really want and begin imagining how much better you will feel once you have it. For a little while, it does feel good, but then that feeling fades and your attention moves on to something else.

Studies suggest that when having more, looking successful or buying the right things becomes especially important to us, our sense of well-being can sometimes suffer (Dittmar et al., 2014; Dittmar & Isham, 2022).

Other research suggests that being encouraged to buy more, have more and compare ourselves with other people can also affect our well-being (Moldes & Ku, 2020).

For some people with ADHD or AuDHD, there can be another layer to this too. Impulsive spending or finding it difficult to wait for something you want can make spontaneous purchases particularly tempting. You might recognise the feeling of seeing something you like and wanting it now, even when you know you probably don’t need it (Einarsson et al., 2024; Morein-Zamir et al., 2022).

There is nothing wrong with enjoying shopping, and sometimes you really do find something that makes you happy. It can be worth noticing what you are hoping that new purchase will give you.

It can be worth noticing what you are hoping that new purchase will give you. Perhaps you are looking for comfort, excitement, confidence or a little lift after a difficult day. Perhaps you are simply buying something you really like.

Sometimes we want the thing itself, and sometimes we are hoping it might make us feel a little different. Other times, we simply see something we like and want it.

Finding comfort in what we already have

There can also be something grounding about noticing what is already part of your life. You can appreciate what you have and still want some things to change.

Perhaps you have a home you like but don’t often get to enjoy. You may have people around you and still wish you felt more understood. You might have a secure job but have lost sight of what feels worthwhile. Or perhaps life feels fairly comfortable, yet somewhere along the way you have become a little disconnected from yourself.

Sometimes it can help to notice the things that already bring something good into your life. Maybe it is having more time at home, enjoying an evening with someone you feel comfortable with, returning to an interest you used to enjoy, or simply doing something because it makes you happy.

It might also be about making a decision based on what feels right for you, rather than automatically doing what other people expect.

These things might seem small, but they can make a real difference to how life feels. Sometimes feeling more at home in your own life starts with noticing what already matters to you.

Sometimes you don’t realise how much you’re carrying

It can be difficult to recognise how much you are carrying when you have become used to coping.

You may have become very good at getting through the week, keeping up with work, replying to messages, looking after the things that need doing and being there for other people. Then you have some time to yourself and realise just how tired you are.

Perhaps you have been putting something important off for months because you can’t work out where to start. Or someone asks what you want, and you genuinely don’t know.

When you are feeling overwhelmed or burnt out, it can be hard to see what is actually going on. Is it your job, your relationship, the amount you are doing, a lack of connection, the expectations you have of yourself, or the effort of keeping everything going?

Sometimes these things become easier to understand when you have somewhere to talk them through.

Could counselling help you work out what feels right for you?

Counselling does not have to begin when everything has become unbearable. You might be struggling with anxiety, low mood, relationships, setting boundaries, loneliness, confidence or finding meaning

You might be going through a life transition, exploring neurodivergence, questioning choices you made some years ago, or feeling unsure about what you want next.

Perhaps you have spent a long time meeting other people’s expectations and want to understand yourself a little better. You may be finding everyday life more tiring than it used to be, or keep coming back to the same thoughts without knowing what to do with them.

You don’t need to arrive with a clear idea of what the problem is. Counselling can offer a space to slow things down, make sense of what you are feeling and notice what matters to you now. It can also give you somewhere to explore the patterns, relationships and expectations that may be shaping how you feel, and to think about what you would like your life to feel like.

You don’t have to have all the answers before you ask for support. Sometimes you may discover that something needs to change. Sometimes you may realise that something already in your life matters more than you had noticed. And sometimes you just need the time and space to explore what you want.

If you have been thinking about some of these things for a while and would like somewhere to talk them through, you are very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.

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