6 March – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Relationships ask a lot from us.
They ask us to listen, to respond, to notice subtle cues, to say what we mean, and sometimes to understand things that were never spoken out loud.
For many couples, these things already take practice. But when one or both partners are neurodivergent – for example autistic, ADHD, or AuDHD – the ways people experience, process, and express things can be different.
What one partner assumes is obvious may not feel obvious at all to the other. Over time, this can lead to a familiar feeling in many relationships: “Why do we keep missing each other?”
The good news is that this isn’t usually about a lack of care or effort. Very often, it’s about differences in how people communicate, process emotions, and move through the world. And those differences can be understood.
When Good Intentions Don’t Translate
Many couples come to counselling feeling confused. They often care deeply about each other, yet everyday interactions seem to turn into misunderstandings.
One partner might say, “I feel like I’m always explaining myself.”
The other might say, “I’m trying, but I don’t always know what’s expected of me.”
Both experiences can be real at the same time. Sometimes the issue isn’t what people feel for each other. It’s that they are using different communication maps.
As therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb suggests, many struggles in relationships are less about a lack of love and more about misunderstandings about intentions and inner worlds (Gottlieb, 2019).
For example, one partner may rely heavily on subtle emotional cues, such as tone of voice, facial expressions, hints in conversation. The other may communicate more directly and rely less on reading between the lines.
Neither approach is wrong. But when these styles meet without being recognised, partners can begin to feel misunderstood.
The Double Empathy Gap
A helpful idea that many people find relieving is something called the “double empathy” perspective, introduced by researcher Damian Milton.
For a long time, difficulties in communication were often framed as something autistic people struggled with. But the double empathy perspective suggests something different: misunderstandings tend to happen in both directions (Milton, 2012).
In other words, it’s not that one person simply “doesn’t get it.” It’s that two people may be experiencing the same moment through very different lenses or perspectives.
Once couples begin to see this, something often shifts. Instead of asking “Who is doing relationships wrong?” the conversation becomes “How can we understand each other better?”
And that change in perspective can bring a surprising amount of relief.
Emotional Processing Can Look Different
Another area where couples sometimes feel stuck is how emotions are experienced and expressed.
Some people process emotions out loud. Talking helps them understand what they feel. Others need time and quiet before they can put feelings into words.
In neurodivergent relationships, partners may move through emotions at different speeds. One partner might want to resolve things quickly, while the other may need space to think, recover from overwhelm, or find the right words.
Without understanding this difference, partners can easily misinterpret each other:
- A pause might be experienced as withdrawal
- A quick response might feel like pressure
But often, both people are simply trying to cope in the way that helps them manage what they’re feeling.
Sensory and Cognitive Differences
Daily life can also place different demands on people.
For example, someone who experiences sensory sensitivity may arrive home already feeling overstimulated from the day. Noise, light, social interaction, or constant demands on attention can take their toll.
Another partner might be seeking connection and conversation in that moment. Neither need is unreasonable. But if the sensory load behind the first partner’s exhaustion isn’t understood, it can easily look like disinterest.
Many couples feel relieved when they begin to talk about these experiences openly. Instead of interpreting behaviour as rejection, they can begin to see the context behind it.
Letting Go of the Idea of “Normal”
One of the most powerful shifts in neurodiversity-aware couples counselling is letting go of the idea that there is a single “correct” way to do relationships.
Many couples have internalised expectations about how partners should communicate, show affection, or resolve conflict.
But relationships become much easier when people feel free to discover what works for them, rather than trying to follow a script that may not fit either partner.
Relationship therapist Esther Perel often speaks about the importance of curiosity in relationships and the value of exploring each other’s inner worlds rather than assuming there is only one right way to connect (Perel, 2017).
For some couples, this might mean clearer communication and fewer assumptions. For others, it might mean creating more structure around conversations, conflict, or emotional check-ins.
And sometimes it simply means developing more curiosity about each other’s inner worlds.
Finding Your Way Back to Each Other
When couples start to understand these differences, something often softens. The tension between “You’re doing this wrong” and “I’m trying but failing” begins to loosen.
Instead, partners can begin to ask gentler questions: What is this experience like for you?
What helps when things feel overwhelming?
How can we meet somewhere in the middle?
Relationships don’t require people to be the same.They require space for both partners to be understood. And sometimes, slowing down together is enough to help couples rediscover the care and connection that was always there beneath the misunderstandings.
When Couples Counselling Can Help
Sometimes couples reach a point where conversations go in circles or feel too emotionally charged to untangle alone.
Couples counselling can offer a calm space to slow things down and explore what’s happening between you.
When neurodiversity is part of a relationship, therapy can help partners understand each other’s experiences more clearly, develop communication that works for both of you, and find ways of reconnecting that feel respectful of each person’s needs.
The aim isn’t to change who you are. It’s to help you understand each other more deeply and find ways of being close that feel natural for both of you.
Sometimes couples come to counselling not because the relationship is failing, but because they want to understand each other better and find a way of being together that feels easier and more supportive for both of them.
If parts of this article resonate with your experience, couples counselling may offer a space to explore those patterns together.
If you’re curious about couples counselling, you’re welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.
References
- Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe you should talk to someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
- Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins.
- Johnson, S. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.