Exploring Connection and Belonging
29 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Relationships ask a lot from us. They invite us to listen, communicate, navigate differences, and make sense of another person’s inner world (Benjamin, 1988).
Many people come to individual counselling with questions about their relationships: wondering why a friendship has changed, feeling uncertain in a partnership, or noticing the same difficulties appearing in different connections. Therapy can offer a place to stay with these experiences, make sense of them, and discover new ways of relating to ourselves and others.
In counselling, people often bring moments that have stayed with them: a conversation that felt unsettling, a growing distance in an important relationship, or the feeling of trying hard to connect and somehow missing each other.
They may find themselves wondering, “What happened there?” or “Why do we seem to experience the same situation so differently?”
These questions rarely point to a single problem to solve. More often, they invite a gentler exploration of how we communicate, understand one another, and make sense of our relationships.
When love is there, but understanding is uneven
Many people come to counselling with questions about an important relationship. They care deeply about a partner, family member, friend, or colleague, yet still find themselves feeling disconnected, misunderstood, or unsure of how they keep missing each other.
You may feel as though you are always trying to explain yourself. Or perhaps you try very hard to get things right and still feel that you fall short. Sometimes both experiences exist at once.
As therapist and writer Lori Gottlieb (2019) suggests, many relationship difficulties are less about a lack of love and more about misunderstandings of intentions and inner worlds.
We often assume that if someone cares, we will naturally recognise it. In reality, people express care in different ways and have different expectations of closeness, communication, and connection.
From an interpersonal perspective, much of our suffering arises not only from what happens between us, but from the meanings we make of those moments.
A brief reply, a forgotten message, or a different way of showing affection can slowly gather meaning. We may begin to wonder whether we matter to the other person, whether we have been understood, or why we seem to experience the same relationship so differently.
Counselling can offer a place to explore these questions with curiosity and compassion. Sometimes the work is not about finding fault, but about understanding how people can care deeply about one another and still struggle to feel truly met.
The meanings we make
In relationships, we are constantly making sense of what happens between us, often without realising it.
A short reply can feel like disinterest.
Someone needing space can feel like distance.
Wanting to talk something through can feel like pressure.
A different pace or way of communicating can feel like rejection, criticism, or being pushed aside.
None of this is unusual. Relationships ask us to live with a great deal of uncertainty. We are often trying to understand what another person is feeling, what they need, and what their actions mean, while also making sense of our own reactions.
For some people, these moments carry a little more weight.
You might find yourself replaying a conversation long after it has ended, looking for clues about what happened. You may worry that you’ve upset someone, wonder whether a friendship has changed, or feel unsettled when things feel unclear or different.
If you have spent much of your life paying close attention to other people’s moods, working hard to keep relationships steady, or carrying a sense of getting things wrong, uncertainty in relationships can feel especially difficult to hold.
Many neurodivergent people describe something similar. You may have had experiences of being misunderstood, missing unspoken social expectations, or feeling as though you have to work harder to understand what other people mean and what they expect from you. Research suggests that misunderstandings often arise from different assumptions and ways of communicating (Milton, 2012).
The difficulty is that these moments can quickly gather meaning. A passing interaction can become a story about the relationship, or about ourselves within it.
Maybe I’ve upset them.
Perhaps they don’t really want me around.
I always seem to get this wrong.
Over time, these stories can shape how we experience our relationships. We can find ourselves responding not only to what is happening now, but also to what previous experiences have taught us to expect. Research also suggests that our sense of self-worth and belonging can influence how we make sense of closeness, distance, and uncertainty in relationships (Leary & Baumeister, 2000).
Sometimes it can help to slow down and ask:
What did I make this mean?
What else might be happening for the other person?
Is there another way of understanding this moment?
In counselling, these questions are not about talking yourself out of your feelings or deciding that your reactions are wrong. They are an invitation to become curious about the meanings we make, the experiences that have shaped them, and the different ways people try to reach and understand one another.
Different ways of finding our way through feelings
Sometimes the difficulty in relationships is not what we feel, but the different ways we move through our feelings.
Some people understand what they are feeling by talking. Others need time, quiet, movement, or space before their feelings become clear.
One person wants to talk things through straight away. Another needs time to think.
One thinks out loud. Another only finds words later.
One longs for reassurance. Another shows care through practical support or by staying present.
Neither way is wrong, but when our emotional rhythms differ, it can be easy to feel out of step with one another:
A pause can begin to feel like distance.
A quick response can feel like pressure.
Silence can start to mean disinterest.
The need to keep talking can begin to feel overwhelming.
Neurodiversity and Different Emotional Rhythms
Many people recognise themselves in these experiences. For some, especially those who are neurodivergent, these differences can feel particularly familiar.
You may need time to process after an emotionally intense conversation, struggle to find words for what you are feeling in the moment, or feel unsettled when someone expects an immediate response. Equally, you may find uncertainty difficult to hold and long for clarity, reassurance, or a sense of knowing where you stand.
People differ considerably in how they experience, process, and express emotions (David, 2016). Some autistic people, for example, describe needing time and space before they can make sense of their feelings and put them into words (Attwood, 2007).
Some people with ADHD or AuDHD, on the other hand, describe emotions arriving with an intensity or urgency that makes uncertainty and unresolved conversations particularly difficult to sit with (Brown, 2021).
These differences don’t mean that someone cares more or less. They show different ways of feeling, experiencing, and connecting with emotions and the people around us.
The invisible rules we carry
Many of us carry ideas about how relationships are supposed to work.
How quickly conflict should be resolved.
How often we should talk about feelings.
How often people should be in touch.
What closeness should look like.
What it means to be good at relationships.
These expectations are rarely chosen consciously. They are shaped by our families, friendships, previous relationships, and experiences of belonging and connection (Bowlby, 1988).
For some people, especially those who have often felt different or misunderstood, these invisible rules can create a sense of somehow getting relationships wrong.
You may wonder why you need more reassurance than other people seem to. You may feel guilty for needing time alone or wanting to be close, worry that you are too much or not enough, or feel as though there is a set of social rules that everyone else understands.
Counselling can offer a space to become curious about these assumptions.
Instead of asking:
Am I doing relationships properly?
We might begin to ask:
What helps me feel understood?
What helps me feel safe and connected?
What do I need from my relationships?
Can there be more than one way of being close?
A Space to Make Sense of Relationships
People come to counselling with all kinds of questions about their relationships.
Perhaps a friendship or romantic relationship has changed and you’re not sure why. Maybe the same difficulties keep appearing in different relationships. Or perhaps you find yourself replaying conversations, feeling misunderstood, lonely, or uncertain about your connection.
Therapy offers a place to slow these experiences down.
Together, we might explore why certain interactions stay with you for so long, why uncertainty feels difficult to hold, or what particular relationships seem to stir in you.
For many people, particularly those who are neurodivergent, relationships can bring an ongoing curiosity about how connection works and why we sometimes miss one another despite caring deeply.
Being close to other people involves difference, uncertainty, and moments of disconnection. Yet it can also bring deeper understanding of ourselves and of the people we care about.
Over time, counselling can help relationships feel a little less confusing. You may become clearer about what matters to you, what helps you feel understood, and what you need from the people around you.
And sometimes, people begin to build relationships that feel more authentic and mutual, where they can feel more at ease and more themselves.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Attwood, T. (2007). The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome. London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
- Benjamin, J. (1988). The bonds of love: Psychoanalysis, feminism, and the problem of domination. Pantheon Books.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. New York: Basic Books.
- Brown, T. E. (2021). Smart but Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Publishing.
- David, S. (2016). Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. New York: Avery.
- Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. London: Scribe.
- Leary, M. R., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and function of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in Experimental Social Psychology (Vol. 32, pp. 1–62). San Diego, CA: Academic Press.
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.