What Being a Client Taught Me
19 Sept – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Have you ever wondered what it is like to sit in the client’s chair?
During my training as a counsellor, having my own counselling became part of my journey. At first, it felt a little daunting. Opening up to someone about things that were personal to me, especially someone I did not know very well, felt unfamiliar and exposing.
Over time, I came to really value having that space. It gave me a much better understanding of what it can feel like to be the person coming to counselling. Not always knowing what to say. Feeling a little awkward at times. Sitting with a silence and wondering what comes next.
And then the relief of feeling listened to and understood, or when something you have been trying to make sense of starts to become a little clearer.
Having that experience myself has stayed with me. It has deepened my understanding of how much it can take to open up to someone, and how important it can be to feel comfortable, accepted and listened to.
Why Counselling Matters
Counselling is about more than talking. It can be a space to feel seen, understood and supported, while having time to explore your emotions, notice patterns and reflect on experiences that may be difficult to make sense of on your own.
Sometimes even a small moment of insight, such as recognising a familiar difficulty, trying a new response or beginning to see yourself a little more clearly, can open up new possibilities (Yalom, 2009).
Over time, understanding yourself more deeply can bring a greater sense of clarity and help you feel more able to make choices that feel right for you.
You Don’t Have to Be in Crisis
You don’t need to be in crisis to seek support. Counselling can be helpful when life feels difficult, but it can also be a space to pause and think about what is going on before things reach that point, or to gain more clarity.
People come to counselling for all sorts of reasons. You might be feeling stuck, going through a period of change, exploring your neurodivergence, wondering about a relationship, or noticing patterns in your life that you would like to understand better.
Sometimes you might not even be sure what you need. You may just feel that something has been on your mind for a while and you would like some space to talk it through.
Looking after our emotional wellbeing can be an important part of taking care of ourselves. It is not only about managing difficulties, but also about how we feel about our lives, our relationships and the things that matter to us (Keyes, 2002).
A Space for Ourselves
We spend so much of life responding to what is asked of us that it can be easy to lose touch with ourselves. Taking some time to pause and reflect can help you notice how you are feeling, what matters to you and what you might need at this point in your life.
Counselling can give you time to think about things that may be difficult to make sense of on your own. You might find yourself thinking about your relationships, your sense of identity, the choices you have made or where your life is heading.
Sometimes there is no clear reason at all. You may simply have a sense that something does not feel right and want some time to talk about it.
Life can be busy, and there is not always much opportunity to stop and put feelings into words. Having dedicated time to talk things through can help you understand what you are experiencing and perhaps see things a little more clearly.
Understanding the stories we carry
We all carry a story about who we are, shaped by our experiences, relationships and the things we have learned about ourselves along the way.
Sometimes that story can become painful. You might find yourself thinking, “I’m not enough,” “I can’t trust anyone,” “Nothing will ever work out for me,” or “I’m unlovable.”
These beliefs can develop through our life experiences and relationships, and over time they can start to feel like facts rather than ideas we have learned along the way.
When we have carried a particular story about ourselves for a long time, it can influence how we see ourselves, how we relate to other people and what we believe is possible for our lives (Yalom, 2009; Gottlieb, 2019).
Counselling can offer a space to slow down and look at some of these stories with curiosity. Not to dismiss what you have experienced, but to understand where these beliefs came from, how they have affected you and whether they still fit the person you are today.
Seeing yourself differently
Part of this work can be learning to notice these stories with a little more awareness and curiosity. Counselling can help you explore the beliefs you have developed about yourself, where they may have come from and whether they still fit with how you see yourself now (Rogers, 1951).
Sometimes this means exploring where certain beliefs began and what may have shaped them. At other times, it is about noticing how they continue to affect your choices, relationships and the way you see yourself in the present.
Over time, even small moments of insight can make a difference. You might begin to see yourself and your experiences a little differently, and realise that you have more choices than you first thought.
Counselling can give you the space to understand your story more deeply, make sense of what you have been through and develop a little more understanding and kindness towards yourself as you move forward.
The importance of feeling understood
The relationship between counsellor and client is an important part of counselling. Research has found a strong connection between the quality of this relationship and positive outcomes (Flückiger et al., 2020).
At its heart, it is about feeling heard, understood and accepted. Counselling can feel different from talking to friends or family. You have time to talk about what is really on your mind without needing to worry about anyone else’s feelings or how they might react. Sometimes, being able to say things out loud to someone who is really listening can bring relief, a different perspective or a little more clarity.
You might feel unsure about what to say at first, or not know where to begin. The relationship develops over time, and as you become more comfortable, you may find it easier to talk about what is important to you. Having someone alongside you as you make sense of your experiences can help you understand yourself more clearly and notice what you need.
Over time, feeling genuinely listened to and understood can help you feel more connected to yourself and clearer about what feels right for you (Gottlieb, 2019).
Understanding Yourself in Relationships
Understanding yourself can also change the way you experience your relationships. You might begin to notice how you respond to other people, what feels important to you and what you would like to be different.
As you become more aware of your needs and patterns, you may find it easier to make choices that feel right for you and approach relationships with greater clarity. This can be part of getting to know yourself better, as well as understanding the people around you.
Insight can be an important part of this, but so is what happens afterwards. Bringing what you have noticed into everyday life can sometimes lead to small changes in the way you see yourself, relate to others or respond to situations. Over time, these changes can open up new possibilities (Gottlieb, 2019).
Being Kinder to Yourself
There can be a lot of pressure to cope, keep going and have things figured out. You might be hard on yourself when things do not go to plan, or wonder whether your life is where you thought it would be. Sometimes, changes in life or uncertainty about what comes next can make these feelings stronger.
Counselling can help you understand where some of these expectations come from and begin to treat yourself with a little more kindness. Research suggests that self-compassion can support emotional wellbeing and may help with difficulties such as anxiety, stress and low mood (Han & Kim, 2023).
Sometimes it can start with something quite small, such as noticing how you are feeling, pausing for a moment or giving yourself a little more understanding. Being kinder to yourself does not mean ignoring difficulties or letting yourself off the hook. It can mean recognising that you are doing your best with what you are dealing with.
A Life That Feels More Like Your Own
For many people, counselling begins with wanting to feel less anxious, overwhelmed or stuck. These feelings may become easier to manage, while something deeper develops alongside them: a better understanding of yourself, more self-compassion and a clearer sense of what matters to you.
For some, counselling is about making sense of experiences they have carried for a long time. For others, it may be about a relationship, a change in direction, questions about identity, exploring neurodivergence or simply feeling unsure about what comes next.
Some people come for a few sessions, while others find that they want to stay longer as new questions and possibilities emerge. There is no single way to approach it. You can start wherever you are and take time to explore what is important to you.
I know from my own experience how meaningful it can be to have someone really listen and give you time to work things through. Feeling genuinely heard and understood can make a real difference, particularly when you are used to trying to manage things on your own. Having that time to make sense of what you are experiencing can help you begin finding your way towards a life that feels more like your own.
If you would like to explore this together, you’re very welcome to get in touch.
References
- Flückiger, C., Del Re, A.C., Wlodasch, D., Horvath, A.O., Solomonov, N. & Wampold, B.E. (2020). Assessing the alliance-outcome association adjusted for patient characteristics and treatment processes: A meta-analytic summary of direct comparisons. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 67(6), 706–711.
- Gottlieb, Lori (2019). Maybe you should talk to someone: A therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Han, A. & Kim, T.H. (2023). Effects of self-compassion interventions on reducing depressive symptoms, anxiety, and stress: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 14, 1553–1568.
- Keyes, C.L.M. (2002). The mental health continuum: From languishing to flourishing in life. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 43(2), 207–222.
- Millard, L.A., Wan, M.W., Smith, D.M. & Wittkowski, A. (2023). The effectiveness of compassion focused therapy with clinical populations: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Affective Disorders, 326, 168–192.
- Rogers, C. R., & Stevens, B. (1967). Person to person: The problem of being human. Real People Press.
- Yalom, I.D. (2009). The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists. 2nd ed. New York: Harper Perennial.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.