Coping with changes and transitions
19 Dec – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Carla was suddenly laid off from her job. Although she felt that the job wasn’t the right fit, she is now at a loss about what she wants to do next.
Ben and his girlfriend mutually decided to call it quits on their 5-year relationship. On a good day, he feels it was the right move; on others, he feels depressed and questions their decision.
Kate has always been in two minds about having children. After talking to her partner, both have now decided to become parents. Kate is currently undergoing Ivf treatments.
After his children have grown up, newly divorced Paul feels that nothing is keeping him here and he is thinking about starting over again and moving abroad.
James always wanted to go to university, but now he misses his family and friends back home. He is constantly worried about keeping up with the demands of his course and finding new friends.
Gemma’s mother has recently been diagnosed with dementia. Gemma has left her old job and is currently her mother’s main carer.
Although the examples use fictional characters, the situations they find themselves in are based on real-life themes and show how people move through life transitions and cope with changes.
What are transitions?
Life transitions come at many junctures in a lifetime. Transitions may arrive as graduations, job changes or they arrive in connection with weddings, marriage or relationship breakdowns, becoming parents, deaths of loved ones, retirement, children leaving home, natural disasters, sudden shifts into or out of wealth or a move to a new city.
Transitions are moments of leaving a past that has been reasonably steady and familiar for a future that will be different.
While transitions may sometimes be celebrated, they also can be emotionally challenging and painful as well as grief-inducing. Other transitions are hopeful and exciting. Often there is a mix of feelings involved.
People sometimes feel like standing at the crossroads. Leaving the old, familiar path can bring up anxiety and there is often some loss involved. Nevertheless, embarking on a new path can be exciting and we might gain something in the process.
A life transition requires embracing two challenges: letting go of the past and embracing the future.
Expect a sense of loss and grief
Even though Carla was not surprised, the loss of her job is a loss nonetheless. It is not only about the job itself, but the loss of contact with co-workers that she enjoyed, a change in routine, as well as her own sense of identity.
With any loss comes grief. The same is true for Ben. He had been with this girlfriend for a long time, and regardless of the quality of their relationship, there was an attachment between them. When that attachment is broken, there is a sense of loss. And if the changes were more sudden, the sense of loss and grief is greater.
In Gemma’s case, her mum was recently diagnosed with dementia, which may have felt profoundly destabilising. Many people in similar situations experience grief for the parent they once knew while adjusting to the emotional and practical demands of caregiving.
Expect some depression and questioning
With the loss often comes some depression and questioning of yourself and your decisions.
E.g. Kate wonders if she will be a good mother after letting go of her pre-baby life.
Similar for James, who wonders if he should have studied closer to home or whether he will ever meet someone at his new university he is truly compatible with.
All this is tied up with the grief and loss but if you tend to be self critical, this beating up on yourself and questioning can pull you down.
Here you need to push back against the those negative voices. Staying in reality mode can help. How would that look like?
Carla does have skills and talents that will help her find another job. Ben, in hindsight, may have learned a few things, but this was a valuable lessons that he can take into his next relationship.
Think of this as an opportunity to step back
It’s easy to go on autopilot: Carla is scanning Indeed within hours of her getting her notice, Ben is signing up with a popular online dating website.
Being proactive helps not to get stuck in the depression, but slowing down a bit and reflect can be beneficial.
Transitions offer an opportunity to think creatively, to explore and to assess long-term goals
Carla may want to find similar work, but she may want to also consider applying her skills in a different field, or train for a new job.
Paul realises that moving abruptly abroad probably reflects his tendency to escape his feelings.
Transitions are times to gather lots of information, to mentally stir the pot and then see what settles.
Having realistic expectations
Making the transition from one chapter to the next usually takes a couple of years before you have a firm footing.
If Carla decides to switch fields, she might have to go back to college and find a way to structure her time accordingly.
Ben, should he decide to begin a new relationship, will need some time to reach the level of intimacy that he had with his old girlfriend.
During difficult times, it is natural to replay the past, wondering once again about the old job, the old relationship, roads not taken. This part of human nature.
It is important to realise that you make the best decision at the time, that you are creating and re-creating your life and that you can always start again. Over time, usually the good days and positive feelings will increase.
Get support
While this is all about you, this is not a time to go it alone.
If you feel you are struggling with life transitions, or you feel overwhelmed, counselling can give you space and time to help you sort out your feelings and support you taking one step at the time. Please reach out if this is something you’d be interested in.
References
- How to survive life’s transitions. (2018). Psychology Today.
- 10 ways to make it through your life’s transitions. (2017). Psychology Today.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.