The Inner Critic and the Power of Self-Compassion
5 Nov – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
We have all experienced disappointment – whether it’s a job interview that didn’t go as planned, a failed exam, a fading friendship, a broken relationship, a sports team’s loss, or a project that didn’t succeed. You might watch your colleagues receive praise or see friends post their successes online, and feel like you’re falling behind.
It is normal to compare oneself with others, but in such comparisons, self-doubt becomes bigger than it actually stands. Many times, this thought indicates a low level of self-esteem, persistent self-criticism, or disappointment that can feel paralysing.
Disappointment is a universal experience, yet it often feels very personal each time it happens to us. When our plans fall apart or our goals slip away, it’s easy to feel rejected and to question our self-worth.
But the fact is that everyone has strengths, even when those strengths are not immediately apparent. Negative self-perception often conceals rather than reveals what we are truly capable of.
You might hear a critical voice in your head saying, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’ll never get this right.” These spiraling thoughts can quickly lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt.
However, while disappointment can be painful, it does not determine your value. It is a natural part of life. Learning to approach these moments with self-compassion instead of criticism can change how you recover and grow.
Dealing with Disappointment Without Losing Yourself
When faced with disappointment, your first instinct might be to suppress those feelings, distracting yourself, brushing them off, or moving on too quickly.
Yet, emotional healing begins with acknowledging how you feel. Allowing yourself to experience sadness, anger, or discouragement is not self-indulgent. It is simply part of being human. Psychologist Guy Winch, in 2014, noted that recovery from emotional pain starts with acknowledgment, followed by the rebuilding of self-esteem.
Rushing through the process often leaves feelings lingering beneath the surface, which may manifest as irritability, low mood, or self-criticism. Once you give yourself permission to feel, you can begin to gain perspective. Ask yourself:
Will this still matter to me in a year? What might I learn from this experience?
Many disappointments that seem insurmountable today become less significant over time. Viewing them as opportunities for learning or redirection does not erase the pain, but it does lend it meaning. Perspective is about remembering that no single event defines you. You are more than any one setback.
The Inner Critic
When things go wrong, the inner critic often takes center stage. For example, thoughts such as “I have no talents,” or “I’ll never be successful either at work or school,” feel like undeniable truths. But these are just perceptions, not facts.
This is that familiar, harsh voice in your head that says things like: “You always mess up. “Everyone else is doing better than you.” This voice can sound convincing, often echoing messages we may have heard in childhood, at school, or in our culture. Over time, these internalised messages become a mental habit.
Sometimes these thoughts are quiet whispers, while other times they become loud, constant messages that influence your choices, relationships, and mood. With time, this negative self-talk may start intertwining with disappointment, leading to a feeling of being stuck. It could be that with each failure or letdown, a story is being told to oneself about one’s inadequacy.
Disappointment – A Common, Yet Overlooked Emotion
Disappointment is one of life’s most common emotions. It arises when outcomes don’t meet expectations, e.g. when a project isn’t recognised, a vacation goes awry, a friend cancells last minute, or a family or romantic situation turns out differently than hoped.
Disappointments elicit a variety of feelings: frustration, irritation, impatience, regret, embarrassment, and sometimes even hopelessness (Winch, 2014).
Understanding the Thought: “I’m Not Good at Anything”
When that thought appears “I’m not good at anything”, it can feel heavy and convincing. But those feelings rarely come from nowhere. Often, they’re shaped by a mix of low self-esteem, a harsh inner critic, and life experiences that taught us to doubt ourselves.
We may downplay our successes, remember failures more vividly, or compare ourselves to others who seem to have it all together (Vogel et al., 2014).
Over time, that inner voice becomes a habit. Understanding where it comes from is the first step in loosening its grip.
Ways to Gently Rebuild Self-Esteem
Redefine what “good” really means. Being “good at something” isn’t just about achievement. Qualities like kindness, patience, and perseverance are strengths too, even if they don’t always get recognised.
Showing up for others, managing daily responsibilities, or simply trying again after a setback all matter more than we often realise.
Notice and challenge unhelpful thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking “I’m not good at anything,” pause and ask, “Is that a fact, or just a feeling?”
Try reframing it: “I didn’t get everything right, but I’m learning.” This small shift, repeated over time, helps rewire the brain toward balance and self-compassion (Neff, 2011).
Another helpful way to quiet your inner critic is to separate it from yourself. You might even imagine it as a tiny commentator with a silly name. When it appears, simply notice it and bring your focus back to something grounding, like your breath or the feeling of your feet on the floor.
Over time, these harsh thoughts lose their power, and your inner voice becomes kinder and more supportive.
Limit comparisons and nurture supportive connections.Social media can make everyone else’s life look effortless. If it leaves you feeling less than, it might help to take a break or curate your feed.
Surround yourself with people who see and appreciate your real strengths. Genuine relationships can help rebuild confidence (Du et al., 2017).
Practise gratitude.Taking a moment each day to notice what’s going well, even small things, like finishing a task or sharing a laugh, can shift focus from what’s missing to what’s meaningful (Bartlett & Valdesolo, 2020).
Learn to accept compliments. Many people with low self-esteem instinctively brush off praise. Try pausing and simply saying “thank you,” even if it feels awkward at first.
Over time, it helps you internalise positive feedback and rebuild a more balanced view of yourself.
Seek support.Therapy can be a helpful space to explore where these thoughts come from and to learn new, kinder ways of relating to yourself. In person-centred counselling, empathy and understanding help you reconnect with your strengths while softening that inner critic.
The Benefits of Self-compassion
Being Human Means Struggling. It is easy to think that self-doubt or low self-esteem means there is something wrong with you, and that others have everything figured out while you do not.
However, there is nothing broken that needs fixing. You are simply human. When we judge ourselves harshly, we isolate ourselves. By bringing compassion to our situation, we reconnect with our shared humanity.
At some point, everyone has felt ‘not enough’. Remembering this can help reduce the grip of shame. When your inner critic becomes loud, pause and remind yourself: “This is hard, but I am not alone in this.” This small act interrupts the isolation caused by shame and creates space for healing.
Shame thrives in secrecy, while compassion flourishes in connection. Talking about your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist can shed light on the parts of yourself that have felt hidden.
Naming what hurts takes courage, but it is often the first step toward relief. Self-compassion does not mean denying mistakes or excusing harmful behaviour. Rather, it involves recognising your worthiness of understanding, even when you have fallen short. True change begins not with self-punishment but from care.
What is Self-Compassion?
The word compassion comes from the Latin ‘com’ (meaning ‘with’) and ‘passion’ (meaning ‘suffering’). To have compassion for yourself means to stay with yourself during moments of struggle, rather than abandoning yourself to self-criticism.
Rather than ignoring pain or adopting a “stiff upper lip” mentality, take a moment to pause and reflect: “This is really difficult right now. How can I comfort and care for myself?”
Self-compassion, as described by Kristin Neff (2003, 2011, 2023), comprises three main components:
- Self-kindness – Being gentle and understanding with yourself rather than judgmental.
- Common humanity – Recognising that everyone makes mistakes. You are not alone in your struggles.
- Mindfulness – Holding your pain in balanced awareness, neither ignoring it nor exaggerating it.
When practising self-compassion, treat yourself as you would a close friend. Acknowledge your pain by saying, “This is hard right now,” and ask, “What do I need to help myself through this?”
Sometimes this means resting. Other times, it involves reaching out for support or taking small steps forward.
Fierce and Tender Self-Compassion
Self-compassion has two sides: tender and fierce (Neff, 2023). Tender self-compassion offers soothing and comfort, saying, “It’s okay to feel sad right now.”
Fierce self-compassion motivates and protects you, stating, “I deserve better,” or “It’s time to make a change.” Sometimes, it means doing what is uncomfortable but beneficial, such as exercising, eating healthily, setting boundaries, and engaging in difficult conversations.
Both aspects are essential, much like yin and yang. Too much tenderness without fierceness can leave us stuck, while too much fierceness without tenderness can lead to burnout. When balanced, self-compassion becomes a powerful force for healing and growth.
How Self-Compassion Helps
Research has shown that self-compassion improves both mental and physical well-being. Some key benefits include:
- Resilience: Self-compassionate individuals are better equipped to handle setbacks and stress (Neff, 2003).
- Motivation: Taking care of ourselves allows us to learn from mistakes and keep trying, not out of fear, but because we support and nurture ourselves (Neff, 2011).
- Accountability: Feeling safe within ourselves enables us to take responsibility and repair harm when necessary (Neff, 2023).
- Health and balance: Self-compassion is linked to reduced anxiety and burnout, better mood regulation, healthier behaviours, and overall well-being (Du et al., 2017).
- Better relationships: When we treat ourselves kindly, we have greater capacity to extend empathy to others (Rogers, 1961).
Self-compassion does not mean letting yourself off the hook. It involves holding yourself accountable within a framework of understanding. You can acknowledge, “I made a mistake,” without adding, “I’m a failure.”
Replace Perfectionism with Compassion
This isn’t about lowering expectations. It’s about replacing perfectionism and harshness with a more realistic, warmer and sustainable form of motivation.
We may believe that harsh self-criticism keeps us in line. However, studies show the opposite. Self-compassion is a far more effective motivator, encouraging people to take responsibility and make positive changes rather than avoid or deny mistakes (Breines & Chen, 2012).
When you care about yourself, you make choices that support your well-being. You learn from mistakes because you feel secure enough to face them honestly.
Research indicates that self-compassionate people are more likely to take responsibility for their missteps and attempt to make amends (Neff, 2017).
Self-Compassion and perspective-taking
Self-compassion recognises that suffering is part of the shared human experience, reducing self-absorption and increasing perspective-taking.
Research shows that self-compassionate individuals are more likely to adopt health-promoting behaviors and recover better from stress, trauma, or loss.
As Neff writes, “When you go into battle, what strengthens you more: being an ally who has your back, or an enemy who cuts you down?” (Neff, 2011).
Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem
Many of us have been taught to pursue self-esteem, feeling good only when we succeed, stand out, or perform well. However, this form of self-esteem is fragile. It fluctuates with achievements and comparisons.
On the other hand, self-compassion offers a more stable foundation. You don’t need to be perfect or above others. You only need to accept your humanity.
Compared to self-esteem, self-compassion is less reliant on appearance, approval, or success, leading to a more stable sense of self-worth.
Compassion is not a limited resource
The more you direct compassion inward, the more you can extend it outward. Research shows that people who practice self-compassion are more giving, supportive, and resilient in their relationships (Neff, 2011; Neff & Germer, 2018).
Every time you treat yourself with kindness, you model gentleness for those around you. Your friends, partners, and children don’t need a perfect version of you. They need someone who is learning to befriend themselves.
Moving Forward with Confidence
Challenges will always arise in life, but these do not define your worth. The voice that says, “I’m not good at anything” is merely a thought. It is not the truth.
Confidence does not stem from perfection, it grows from persistence, honesty, and self-care. Every small act is important: showing up, resting when you need to, learning from mistakes, setting healthy boundaries, and offering kindness to yourself and others.
The long-term effects of practising self-compassion may be subtle, but your inner voice begins to soften.
As Carl Rogers (1961) stated, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
If you’re ready to be kinder to yourself and quiet the inner critic, counselling can help. I offer a safe, understanding space to explore this together. You’re very welcome to get in touch.
Every moment you meet yourself with compassion matters. In doing so, you can become more forgiving of yourself and others. You may start to discover, feel, and believe that you are enough just as you are.
References
- AlShawi, A., & Lafta, R. (2014). Relation between childhood experiences and adults’ self-esteem. Qatar Medical Journal, 2. https://doi.org/10.5339/qmj.2014.14
- Bartlett, M., & Valdesolo, P. (2020). The paradox of power: The relationship between self-esteem and gratitude. Journal of Social Psychology, 160(1), 27–38. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2019.1601609
- Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38 (9), 1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
- Du, H., King, R. B., & Chi, P. (2017). Self-esteem and subjective well-being revisited. PLoS One, 12(8), e0183958.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins.
- Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength, and thrive. The Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 193–217.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.
- Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.
- Winch, G. (2014). Emotional first aid: Healing rejection, guilt, failure, and other everyday hurts. Plume.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.