22 Dec – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Many people come to therapy because something in their life no longer feels quite right. It might be a relationship that keeps following the same painful pattern, a sense of feeling stuck, ongoing anxiety, or a persistent feeling that something needs to change.
Often, people arrive with mixed feelings. Part of them longs for things to be different, while another part feels fearful, doubtful, or tired of trying.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Wanting change while also resisting it is a deeply human experience.
Change is something we often say we want. Yet when it comes close, it can feel unsettling, uncomfortable, or even overwhelming. Understanding why change is hard can be the first step towards approaching it with less self-criticism and more kindness.
The comfort of familiarity
One reason change can feel so difficult is that it almost always involves loss. Even when what we’re leaving behind is painful, it is known.
Familiar patterns, ways of relating, coping, or protecting ourselves, often developed for good reasons. Many of them began in childhood, shaped by what helped us feel safe, accepted, or connected.
Someone might stay in a relationship that leaves them feeling criticised or unseen, not because they believe it’s healthy, but because they understand how it works.
Arguments and disappointment are familiar. Changing the dynamic, or leaving altogether, would mean stepping into uncertainty, which can feel more frightening than familiar pain.
In therapy, people are often surprised to discover that their resistance is not self-sabotage, but self-protection. What once helped us cope may now be holding us back. This deserves understanding and empathy.
Repetition compulsion: Why patterns repeat
Many people notice that the same themes show up again and again in their lives and in relationships. Different people, similar outcomes.
In therapy, people sometimes talk about repeating old patterns without knowing why. This can be deeply frustrating and confusing.
Without realising it, we may be drawn to situations or relationships that echo earlier experiences, particularly from childhood. Unconsciously, we hope that this time things will turn out differently, that now, someone will actually see us, or act kindly.
The problem? These habits recreate and bring back the hurt instead of healing it. Getting close might start seeming like work, showing and proving your worth, or pushing to fix another person, not about feeling OK and accepted as you are.
Change becomes possible when we begin to grieve what we didn’t receive earlier in life, rather than continuing to seek it in the same old ways. Letting go of that hope can be painful, but it can also be freeing. It opens the door to relationships that are kinder, safer, and more mutual.
Your feelings matter
Another reason people delay change is what might be called a hierarchy of emotional pain. Many people minimise their own distress, telling themselves things like, “Others have it worse,” or “I shouldn’t feel this way because I have nothing to complain about.”
But there’s no hierarchy of pain. It’s ok to feel difficult emotions, even when life seems fine on paper. Someone might feel bad about how they’re feeling. They’ll mutter “sorry” when tears come, like they’ve done something wrong.
Emotions don’t always get the respect that body aches do. While nobody questions a broken arm, sadness gets brushed off too fast.
The thing is, feelings don’t vanish if you pretend they’re not there. We often wait until everything feels like too much – like worry and anxiety won’t quit, connections fall apart, or burnout hits hard. At that stage, people likely kept quiet about their struggle for ages.
Pain is pain. You don’t have to prove it’s bad enough to deserve help. Therapy offers a space to take your emotional experience seriously, without comparison or judgment.
Why willpower isn’t enough
Moments such as New Year’s goals usually spark sudden drive. We tell ourselves, “I’ll do it differently” and yet, many changes don’t last, not because people don’t care, but because change doesn’t work that way. Transformation rarely follows quick fixes.
Change tends to happen in stages:
- becoming aware of a problem
- thinking about change
- preparing
- taking action
- maintaining the change over time
Maintenance is the part that’s most often misunderstood. Setbacks pop up, small relapses happen, old routines creep back – because picking up any new skill takes practice.
Sticking to old habits seems easier since you know them well. New ways of being can feel awkward, exposing, or anxiety-provoking at first. Yet given enough time, along with a bit of support, what felt unfamiliar can slowly begin to fit right in.
Our need for connection
Many difficulties stem from wanting to feel connected and creating real bonds. Therapy becomes an option when someone craves deeper ties – whether with loved ones, friends, or even their own selves.
While real closeness needs openness, showing feelings might seem dangerous. Old memories bring up times we spoke up only to get shut down, judged, or left out. Protecting ourselves by staying guarded may have made sense once, but it can also lead to loneliness.
Getting comfortable sharing isn’t about revealing everything or pushing yourself to act fearlessly. It usually begins with small acts of truth, such as paying attention to how it feels when others actually see you.
Stay with your feelings
Most people were taught to handle tough emotions by fixing them fast, ignoring them, or shoving them aside. Maybe we picked up habits like distracting ourselves, forcing positivity, keeping a stiff upper lip, or avoiding drama at all costs.
With time, sitting with our own emotional experiences gets tricky – just as much as being present for loved ones when they’re struggling.
Feeling something? You don’t have to solve it right away
Feeling an emotion doesn’t require changing it or removing it. Instead, let it be there without pushing it out. When we do this for ourselves or offer it to someone else, it can mend things while creating trust through calm acceptance. That simple act builds a safe space inside.
Therapy as a place to practise
The heart of therapy? It’s the connection between client and therapist. Progress isn’t driven by flawless methods or clever suggestions.
Real shift shows up when a person actually feels listened to, treated like they matter, while being met without judgment.
Therapy gives space to spot habits while they’re happening – what intimacy feels like, showing wants, dealing with tension. It allows testing small changes, then noticing how it actually felt.
Much of what gets done takes place after meetings, since realisations slowly find their way into daily routines step by step.
Freedom, responsibility, and choice
Switching things up might seem scary since it shows how free we actually are. Getting trapped feels awful, yet somehow it’s comforting if things stay the same. Familiarity, even if limiting, can act like a shield against risk.
Recognising that we have choices, even limited ones, can be both empowering and frightening. With choice comes responsibility.
Therapy can help people move towards agency at their own pace, supporting them to become more engaged in their lives without pressure to have everything figured out.
A kinder way of understanding change
Change is rarely dramatic. More often, it happens quietly through increased awareness, moments of courage, and growing self-compassion.
It involves grieving what wasn’t, loosening familiar patterns, and allowing ourselves to grow into something new.
If you feel drawn to the idea of change but unsure where to begin, that curiosity matters. Therapy doesn’t require a crisis or a clear goal. Sometimes it begins with a simple question: What might be possible if things didn’t have to stay the same?
If you’d like to explore this more, you are very welcome to get in touch.
Change is hard – and yet we keep trying, because the desire for connection, meaning, and a fuller life is deeply human.
References
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
- Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne. Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.