Why am I so hard on myself? Learning to be a little kinder to yourself

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Understanding self-criticism, self-compassion and the expectations we place on ourselves

11 November – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

Have you ever sent a message and then read it back several times, wondering whether it sounded a bit strange? Or come home after meeting or interacting with someone and found yourself going over something you said, thinking about what you could have said differently?

Perhaps you finally get something done, but instead of feeling pleased with yourself, your attention immediately moves to the next thing you haven’t managed. Or you make a small mistake and somehow end up questioning much more than just that one decision.

Sometimes it’s not even about one particular thing. It’s more of a general feeling that you should be doing better, handling things differently or somehow being a little further along in life.

You might be quite understanding towards other people, recognising that everyone has difficult days, makes mistakes and has their own struggles. But when it comes to yourself, the rules seem to be rather different.

And even when you know you’re being too hard on yourself, that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to change.

Being reflective and wanting to grow doesn’t have to mean constantly finding fault with yourself.

Perhaps you recognise some of this. If so, it might be worth exploring where this way of treating yourself comes from, what keeps it going and whether there’s another way of relating to yourself.

When your mind is very good at finding fault

Being observant, analytical and good at spotting patterns can be valuable qualities. Some people naturally notice details, inconsistencies and things that others might overlook.

But what happens when this attention turns towards yourself?

Perhaps you remember the one thing you forgot to do rather than everything you managed that day. You notice the awkward moment in an otherwise enjoyable conversation. Or you find yourself comparing your achievements with those of other people, wondering why you haven’t got further.

For some neurodivergent people, particularly autistic, AuDHD and ADHD adults, this experience might be familiar. Years of receiving feedback about communication, behaviour, organisation or emotional responses can contribute to becoming particularly alert to perceived mistakes (Beaton et al., 2022).

This can also influence how we experience social interactions, how we think we come across to others and how comfortable we feel being ourselves.

Seeing ourselves through other people’s eyes

Being ourselves around other people isn’t always as straightforward as it sounds. The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre explored this tension through his idea of ‘the gaze’.

He suggested that when we become aware of being seen by someone else, we can begin to experience ourselves through their perspective, almost as though we’re looking at ourselves from the outside (Sartre, 1943/1956).

Perhaps you’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand social situations, wondering whether you’ve missed something or worrying about how others perceive you. You might have become very good at anticipating what could go wrong, partly because getting things wrong has sometimes come with uncomfortable consequences.

Previous experiences of rejection or feeling left out can stay with us, sometimes making us more sensitive to the possibility of being misunderstood or rejected again (Rowney-Smith et al., 2026).

You might become so conscious of how you’re being perceived that it becomes difficult to feel comfortable simply being yourself.

There is something quite human about this. We all want to feel accepted and understood, but we cannot entirely control how other people see us (Yalom, 1980).

Perhaps part of becoming more accepting of ourselves involves recognising that we don’t have to constantly manage other people’s impressions of us.

When things start to make more sense

For some people, receiving an autism, AuDHD or ADHD diagnosis can bring a new understanding of experiences they may have struggled to make sense of. With more insight and awareness, we may view our past in a new light, sometimes moving away from self-criticism towards greater self-compassion and acceptance (Leedham et al., 2020).

Discovering something new about yourself can change the way you look at things that once felt confusing or frustrating. Little by little, things might start to fall into place. You might recognise patterns you hadn’t noticed before, understand why certain things have always taken more effort, or find a kinder explanation for experiences you previously blamed yourself for.

It doesn’t mean everything suddenly makes sense or that every difficulty has one explanation. But getting to know yourself better can make it easier to recognise what you need, appreciate the ways you’ve found to manage, and be more understanding towards yourself.

Where did you learn to be so hard on yourself?

Our relationship with ourselves doesn’t develop in isolation. The experiences we have growing up, the neighbourhood and community we grow up in, the relationships we form and the messages we receive about who we are can all influence how we see ourselves (Stewart & Joines, 2012).

Perhaps you grew up feeling that praise was something you had to earn. Maybe mistakes were met with disappointment, or you learnt that being helpful, successful or easy to get along with was a good way to receive approval.

Perhaps you were frequently compared with siblings, classmates or other people. Or maybe you were the person who needed to be independent and seemed to manage everything, so nobody really noticed when you were struggling.

Over time, these experiences can become part of the way we understand ourselves.

We might begin to believe that we’re only worthwhile when we’re achieving something, that we shouldn’t need help or that making mistakes means we’ve let someone down.

We can sometimes become quite attached to the stories we tell ourselves and the ideas we have developed about who we are. Over time, these assumptions about what we are capable of, how others see us and what to expect from life can become so familiar that we rarely question them.

Becoming curious about these stories and where they come from can help us see ourselves and our experiences differently. As psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb explores, there can be much to discover when we begin to question the assumptions we have made about ourselves and our lives (Gottlieb, 2019).

Sometimes, the things we believe about ourselves feel like facts simply because we’ve believed them for such a long time.

But what if some of those beliefs were learnt along the way? And what if they no longer reflect who you are, what you need or what is possible for you?

Is your inner critic trying to help?

There’s another interesting question worth considering. What if being hard on yourself isn’t actually helping as much as you think?

Perhaps you believe that being critical keeps you motivated, prevents you from making mistakes or encourages you to do better next time. Maybe you worry that if you stop pushing yourself, you’ll become complacent or lose your direction.

A question worth exploring might be: What am I afraid might happen if I stop being so hard on myself?

These patterns can sometimes have a protective purpose, even if they no longer serve you particularly well. Counselling can offer an opportunity to understand the person behind the difficulties they bring, and to explore the complexity of human experience, relationships, fears and the ways we make sense of our lives (Yalom, 1989, 2002).

If being hard on yourself was going to work, it probably would have already

It might be worth paying attention to the voice behind these criticisms. Whose voice are you hearing? Does it remind you of someone who was particularly demanding? Are you repeating expectations you grew up with? Or have you developed your own set of rules?

You don’t have to find all the answers straight away. Sometimes, asking a different question is already a change.

We can become curious about where these messages come from and whether they still deserve so much influence over how we see ourselves.

Perhaps some of this self-criticism also comes from wanting to have things figured out. We want to make the right decisions, understand why things happen and feel confident about what comes next.

When we don’t have those answers, it’s easy to turn our frustration inwards and blame ourselves for not knowing better or getting things right.

You might ask yourself: When did I start believing that I needed to get everything right? Is this way of treating myself actually helping me?

Life doesn’t always offer the certainty we’re looking for. Some experiences don’t have clear explanations, some questions remain unanswered and not everything can be resolved.

The philosopher Albert Camus explored this tension between our human desire for meaning and certainty and a world that doesn’t necessarily provide the answers we hope for (Camus, 1942/1955).

What does it mean to live a meaningful life?

Perhaps part of being kinder to ourselves involves recognising that uncertainty is not necessarily a sign that we’ve got something wrong. Sometimes, it’s just part of being human (Neff, 2003).

Accepting that we don’t have all the answers also invites us to consider some bigger questions. Existential psychotherapy invites us to reflect on questions of freedom, responsibility, connection and what gives our lives meaning (Yalom, 1980).

How much of our self-criticism is connected to the expectations we have of ourselves and the lives we think we should be living?

Sometimes, we can become so focused on what we haven’t achieved, what we should be doing differently or how we compare with others that we lose sight of what actually matters to us.

Philosopher Erich Fromm explored a similar idea in To Have or to Be? (1976), questioning whether we define ourselves more by what we achieve and possess than by who we are and how we experience life.

It raises an interesting question: can we feel worthwhile even when we’re not achieving anything in particular?

Perhaps being kinder to ourselves also involves questioning some of the expectations we’ve placed on ourselves along the way.

We can become curious and consider what it means to live a life that feels meaningful, authentic, and true to what matters to us now.

Finding a different way to talk to yourself

You don’t have to transform your inner critic into your biggest cheerleader. Sometimes, small changes in how you respond to yourself can be a useful starting point.

1. Separate what you do from who you are

Imagine making a mistake at work, forgetting something important or saying something in a conversation that you later wish you’d phrased differently. You might find yourself thinking, “Why am I always like this?”

But making a mistake or finding something difficult doesn’t mean you’re incapable. It’s possible to recognise that something didn’t go well without turning it into a personal judgement.

2. Try a more neutral response

You don’t have to convince yourself that everything is wonderful when it doesn’t feel that way. Sometimes, a more balanced response is enough.

Instead of “I’ve completely messed everything up”, you might try “That didn’t go as I hoped. I can think about what I’d like to do differently next time.”

You can allow yourself to look at what happened and what you’d like to do differently.

3. Notice whose expectations you’re trying to meet

Do you ever feel that you should be doing or achieving more, or managing everyday life better?

Perhaps you compare yourself with people who seem to have everything under control. But are these expectations actually important to you or suit you?

This can be particularly worth exploring if you’re neurodivergent and have spent years trying to meet expectations that don’t necessarily take your needs or preferences into account.

Perhaps the question isn’t how best to force yourself through everything, but what might work better for you.

4. Offer yourself the understanding you’d give someone else

Imagine a friend telling you that they’d made the same mistake or were struggling with something you’ve been finding difficult. Would you judge them harshly, or would you try to understand what had happened?

It’s often easier to offer other people patience and understanding than to extend the same kindness to ourselves. Perhaps you could start by treating yourself with the same basic fairness you’d offer someone else.

5. Get curious about what might be going on underneath

Sometimes, behind a critical thought is a feeling or need that hasn’t been recognised.

“I should be doing more” might be connected to feeling that you’re falling behind. “I shouldn’t have said that” might reflect a fear of rejection or wanting to feel accepted. And “I’m not good enough” might be connected to a longing for reassurance or belonging.

You could ask yourself what might be going on underneath them. Perhaps you need encouragement, a break, more mutual connection, or a clearer boundary.

Self-compassion means being able to recognise where things could be different and make changes, without losing sight of your own needs and feelings along the way (Neff, 2003).

What if being kinder to yourself feels uncomfortable?

For some people, self-compassion comes quite naturally. For others, it can feel uncomfortable. You might have spent so long focusing on what needs improving that a kinder inner voice can feel unfamiliar.

You might even find yourself criticising yourself for being critical, as though self-compassion has become yet another thing you need to get right.

Psychologist Kristin Neff makes a helpful distinction between self-compassion and self-esteem. While self-esteem can depend on how positively we see ourselves, self-compassion offers another way of relating to ourselves. It means learning to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, even on the days when we doubt ourselves, feel we’ve fallen short or things haven’t gone as we’d hoped (Neff, 2011; 2023).

You don’t have to feel particularly confident about yourself to deserve kindness and understanding. You can start where you are, with whatever you are feeling, and allow yourself the same compassion you would offer someone you care about.

Going at your pace

Wanting to grow and understand yourself is valuable. But you don’t have to spend your life feeling that you’re not quite good enough as you are.

You can learn from difficult experiences, and make changes. There will always be room to learn, grow and try again.

Perhaps, along the way, you can also find a little more kindness and acceptance towards yourself, just as you are.

How Counselling can help

Sometimes, it can be difficult to untangle these thoughts and experiences on your own, especially when they’ve been part of your life for a long time.

Counselling offers an opportunity to talk openly about what’s on your mind, with someone alongside you.

In our conversations, there’s room for the things that have been weighing on you, experiences that have stayed with you and feelings or expectations that you’d like to explore. We can take time to make sense of things together and consider what might help you feel more comfortable being yourself, move forward and treat yourself with a little more kindness.

If you’d like to explore this together, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.

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