Getting to know yourself

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Finding your way beyond expectations

3 November – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

Have you ever spent a lot of time trying to work out how to live life correctly?

Perhaps you’ve wondered why some things seem to come so easily to other people, while you’re still trying to figure them out. You might have spent years trying to be more organised, more confident, more productive or simply a little easier to understand.

Maybe you’ve tried different approaches, read the books, made the plans and promised yourself that next time you’d finally get it right.

And yet, somewhere along the way, you might have started wondering whether you were trying to become someone you didn’t actually need to be.

Sometimes, getting to know yourself begins with a small realisation. Perhaps you don’t have to finish every project, enjoy every interest, please everyone or have your life neatly figured out to be doing reasonably well.

You might discover that you’re allowed to change your mind, need more time, want something different or find your own way of doing things.

And perhaps there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with you, even if life hasn’t always felt easy.

When you’ve spent years trying to get things right

It can be exhausting to feel as though you’re always falling short of some invisible expectation.

You might compare yourself with people who seem more organised, settled or confident. Perhaps you wonder why you struggle with things that others appear to manage without much effort. You might have become very good at noticing what you think you should be doing, while finding it harder to recognise what you actually want.

Sometimes this starts early. We learn what is considered acceptable, what makes other people happy and which parts of ourselves seem to cause difficulties. Perhaps we become the responsible one, the person who tries not to upset anyone, or the one who learns to keep certain feelings to themselves.

Our early relationships can influence how we see ourselves and what we come to expect from others. Over time, these ways of being can become so familiar that we barely notice them (Bowlby, 1988; Stewart & Joines, 1987).

You might sometimes find yourself thinking you’re lazy because you struggle to finish things, that you feel things too deeply, or that you’re inconsistent because your interests and priorities change. Perhaps you’ve heard similar things from other people, too.

It’s worth being curious about where these ideas about yourself came from. How did they develop? Did they take account of what you were experiencing at the time? Are they fair? And do they still feel like helpful ways of understanding yourself?

This doesn’t mean overlooking what has been difficult or how our actions affect others. It’s about making a little more room for understanding yourself, too. Sometimes, the things we struggle with begin to make more sense when we look at what we’ve been through and what we’ve learned along the way.

There’s more to you than the things you find challenging, and understanding yourself with a little more kindness and compassion can be part of that (Neff, 2023).

Person-centred therapy focuses on understanding your experience rather than judging it against external expectations (Rogers, 1961). Feeling understood can help you see yourself with greater honesty and acceptance.

Transactional analysis offers another way of exploring how early experiences and messages from important people can influence the roles we learn to play (Stewart & Joines, 1987).

Perhaps you became the responsible one, the person who kept everyone happy, or the one who tried not to cause trouble. Maybe you learned that being loved meant being helpful, that expressing anger would upset people, or that you needed to get things right to be accepted.

These ways of being may have helped you feel safe, connected or valued at the time. But years later, you might find yourself still trying to meet those expectations, even when they no longer fit the person you are or the life you want to live. You might begin to wonder whether you’re allowed to be something other than the person everyone has come to expect.

What do you actually enjoy, and what do you feel you should enjoy?

It can be surprisingly difficult to know what you like.

Perhaps you’ve spent years choosing things because they seemed sensible, impressive or expected of you. Maybe you became good at something and felt you ought to keep doing it. Or perhaps you enjoyed the recognition that came with being successful, even when the activity itself wasn’t particularly fulfilling.

There’s nothing wrong with enjoying praise or wanting to do well. But it can be helpful to notice the difference between enjoying something and enjoying being seen as someone who enjoys it.

You might love the idea of a project but find that the reality doesn’t suit you. You might start a new hobby with enthusiasm, then lose interest after a few weeks. Perhaps you’ve changed your mind about a career, a relationship, a friendship or a direction you once felt certain about.

That doesn’t automatically mean you’re unreliable or that you’ve wasted your time. Sometimes, trying something is how we discover what matters to us.

Existential therapy explores questions of freedom, responsibility, choice and uncertainty, including the sometimes uncomfortable reality that we cannot always know in advance which decisions will feel right (van Deurzen, 2012; Yalom, 1980).

Getting to know yourself may involve accepting that you won’t always have a clear answer. You can make a decision with the information you have, learn from it and have the freedom to change your mind later.

When being yourself affects other people

This can be one of the more difficult parts of getting to know yourself.

It’s one thing to realise that you want something different. It’s another to tell someone who was expecting you to do something else.

Perhaps you’ve agreed to plans and later realised you don’t have the energy. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about a commitment, stopped enjoying an activity you used to share with someone, or found yourself wanting more time alone.

You might worry that the other person will feel disappointed, rejected or hurt. Perhaps you’ve been told that you’re inconsistent, or difficult to understand. Even when you know your decision makes sense for you, it can be hard to tolerate someone else’s disappointment.

For some people, keeping others happy has become so familiar that their own preferences are difficult to recognise. Saying no can feel uncomfortable, even when saying yes means putting their own needs aside (Jack et al., 2026).

Being considerate of other people’s feelings is an important part of relationships. We all need to think about how our actions affect others, acknowledge when we’ve hurt someone and sometimes find a compromise.

But our own feelings and needs matter, too. We can care about someone, listen to their perspective and still see things differently. Sometimes, this means allowing ourselves to make choices that feel right for us, even when others might feel disappointed.

In counselling, we can explore how to make choices that reflect what matters to us, even when uncomfortable thoughts and feelings arise (Harris, 2019).

Understanding familiar patterns

Earlier relationships can continue to shape how we see ourselves, what we expect from others and how we experience relationships in the present (McWilliams, 2011).

Perhaps you notice that it’s difficult to express what you want, that you often find yourself putting other people’s needs first, or that certain situations or interactions bring up feelings that are hard to make sense of.

Sometimes, the way we see ourselves and relate to others has a lot to do with what we’ve experienced along the way.

Understanding where these feelings come from can help us see ourselves with a little more kindness and recognise that things don’t always have to stay the same.

You don’t have to be one consistent person

We often seem to expect ourselves to be consistent in every situation.

Perhaps you’re confident at work but uncertain in relationships. You might enjoy being around people and still need plenty of time alone. You may feel capable one day and struggle with the same task the next.

It can be tempting to see these differences as evidence that something is wrong. Yet people are complicated, and our needs and capacities change (Berk, 2022).

You might have spent years trying to understand why you can manage certain things very well, but find others more challenging. For neurodivergent people, particularly those who have spent a long time masking or adapting to expectations, this can involve reconsidering old assumptions about who they are and what they need (Price, 2022).

A diagnosis may help make sense of some experiences, but it doesn’t have to explain everything. Neurodivergence can be an important piece of the puzzle without being the whole picture.

You may also discover that some of the things you thought were personality flaws were ways of coping, adapting or getting through difficult circumstances.

There can be relief in understanding yourself differently. There can also be sadness about the time spent struggling, or uncertainty about what comes next.

Getting to know yourself isn’t necessarily about finding one clear, consistent identity. It may be more about becoming comfortable with the person you are, including the parts that don’t always seem to fit neatly together.

When self-discovery becomes another thing to get right

There can be a particular kind of pressure in always trying to become a better version of yourself. You might start thinking about your needs, boundaries or priorities, only to find yourself wondering whether you’re getting any of it right. Another list, another goal, another feeling that you should be further along by now.

Even getting to know yourself can become something you feel you need to do properly.

Self-reflection can be valuable, but it can also leave us feeling as though we’re constantly falling short. Sometimes, the more we try to work on ourselves, the harder it becomes to feel comfortable with who we are.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) invites us to make room for difficult thoughts and feelings while considering what matters to us and how we want to live (Harris, 2008). This doesn’t mean accepting everything about ourselves or always making the right choices. It means recognising that we don’t have to feel completely confident, comfortable or certain before doing something that matters to us.

It also means taking a closer look at our values: what matters to us, and the kind of person we want to be. Perhaps kindness, connection, creativity or independence are important to you, but somewhere along the way, other people’s expectations have become louder than your own.

These things don’t have to be big or complicated. Kindness might mean caring about someone without always saying yes. Independence might mean making a choice that feels right for you, even when someone else doesn’t understand. Connection might mean spending time with people you love while also recognising when you need some time to yourself.

You don’t have to figure everything out, become a different person or feel better about everything before you can start living in a way that matters to you. Sometimes, it can begin with something much smaller: allowing yourself to be where you are, while making room for the things that matter to you.

Getting to know the person you already are

Perhaps getting to know yourself isn’t about discovering a completely different person, but about coming to understand and accept who you already are. This might include recognising that your own needs, feelings and preferences matter, too. You can care about others while making choices that feel right for you, even when they see things differently.

There may still be times when you feel uncertain, change your mind or find things more challenging than you’d hoped. Getting to know yourself doesn’t mean having all the answers or finding life easy all the time.

Along the way, you might also begin to see yourself a little differently. Your worth isn’t measured by how productive you are, how much you achieve or how easily others understand you. You have value simply by being who you are.

Finding your way in counselling

If you’ve been wondering about these things, it can be helpful to have some space and time to talk them through.

Counselling can offer an opportunity to make sense of what’s been on your mind, understand yourself a little better and talk about your experiences with someone alongside you.

We might talk about what matters to you, what feels difficult, or why certain situations affect you more than others. Sometimes this involves looking back at earlier experiences. Sometimes it’s about what is happening in your life now, or what you would like to be different.

Talking things through together can offer a different perspective, help you see new possibilities and work out what feels right for you.

We can take things as they come and see what feels helpful along the way.

If you’d like to explore this together, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.

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