The emotional weight of small moments
14 April – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Relationships can bring a great deal into our lives: closeness, comfort, friendship, love, and a sense of belonging. But they can also bring uncertainty.
Most people know what it feels like to wonder where they stand with someone from time to time:
A message goes unanswered for longer than expected.
A conversation feels slightly different.
Someone seems quieter than usual.
Often, these moments pass quickly. But for some people, they can linger.
You might find yourself thinking back over an interaction later in the day, wondering whether you said something wrong, sounded strange, or came across differently than you intended. Sometimes, even small shifts in tone or communication can begin to feel surprisingly significant.
What we often call rejection sensitivity is not always about rejection itself. More often, it relates to the emotional weight that moments of possible disconnection can carry.
For some people, especially those with ADHD, AuDHD moments of feeling disconnected from others can carry a strong emotional weight and may linger long after the moment has passed (Shaw et al., 2014). Uncertainty in relationships can feel difficult to settle internally. The mind keeps returning to the interaction, trying to understand what happened, whether something has changed, or whether the connection still feels safe and steady.
The philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote about the difficulty of being seen through another person’s eyes, how relationships can make us suddenly aware of ourselves, how we are perceived, and whether we belong (Sartre, 1943/2003).
From the outside, these situations may appear ordinary. From the inside, they can feel much more emotionally charged.
Neurodivergence and relational uncertainty
This can be particularly familiar for many neurodivergent people, especially those who have spent years trying to make sense of social situations that did not always feel easy, predictable, or fully understandable.
Relationships can involve a great deal of interpretation: noticing tone, timing, pauses, facial expressions, changes in energy, or trying to work out what is meant but not directly said. Over time, this can create a heightened awareness and anxiety about how one is being perceived by others.
We might find ourselves constantly monitoring ourselves in conversations: Did I speak too much? Did I misunderstand something? Did I come across awkwardly? Have I somehow got this wrong?
Experiences of being misunderstood, criticised, excluded, or needing to camouflage parts of oneself socially can also shape how safe relationships feel emotionally over time (Hull et al., 2020).
As a result, moments of uncertainty or disconnection may not feel small at all, but emotionally significant and difficult to let go of.
The Past in the Present
Often, these experiences are not only about the present moment. They can also connect to older feelings of not quite knowing where you stand with other people.
A delayed reply may not simply feel like a delayed reply. A change in tone may not feel entirely neutral. A pause in connection can quickly become filled with meaning.
Sometimes, a small moment in the present touches something much older underneath: earlier experiences of feeling outside the group, misunderstood, criticised, left out, or unsure of how to connect.
From a psychodynamic perspective, emotional reactions are rarely only about what is happening now. Earlier relational experiences can remain emotionally alive beneath the surface and become activated in present relationships (Erikson, 1950; McWilliams, 2011).
This does not mean someone is “overreacting.” Often, it reflects how deeply meaningful relationships have become emotionally over time.
What happens between people
People often describe replaying conversations afterwards, noticing subtle changes in someone’s behaviour, or becoming unsure whether a relationship still feels steady. In close relationships especially, uncertainty can feel difficult to tolerate.
Sometimes this creates painful relational cycles.
One person may seek reassurance, while the other becomes unsure how to respond. Someone may pull back slightly, while the other experiences this as distance or rejection. Without either person intending it, a cycle of misunderstanding can begin to form.
In friendships, this may look like wondering why someone has become quieter or feeling hurt by not being included in something small.
In dating or intimate relationships, it can show up as overthinking tone, worrying that feelings have changed, or becoming highly sensitive to signs of withdrawal or emotional distance.
At work, it may appear through replaying feedback afterwards, feeling unsettled by a short email, or leaving a meeting unsure how others experienced you.
Again, these are ordinary human situations. But they do not always feel ordinary from the inside.
Psychodynamic and relational approaches often understand these moments as happening between people rather than existing entirely within one person alone. We all bring our histories, sensitivities, fears, hopes, and ways of protecting ourselves into relationships (Benjamin, 2004).
Irvin Yalom described how much of emotional life unfolds in the space between people. We are constantly interpreting one another, consciously and unconsciously, trying to understand whether we are welcome, valued, understood, or emotionally safe (Yalom, 2002).
A more compassionate understanding
It can be easy to turn these experiences against ourselves: Why am I so affected by this? Why can’t I just let it go? Why does this feel so personal?
A different question might be: What have relationships felt like for me over time?
Often, our sensitivities make sense in the context of our experiences. They may have grown through feeling misunderstood or left out, through years of trying hard to fit in, or through relationships that felt inconsistent or difficult to make sense of.
Sometimes what we call sensitivity is a reflection of a life lived in relationship with others. What can feel like “being too sensitive” is often connected to our experiences, and to the importance that relationships hold for us. It may tell us something about what matters to us, and about our desire to feel seen, understood, and connected.
Seen this way, rejection sensitivity can perhaps be understood more compassionately (Neff, 2011). It can be seen as a heightened awareness of connection, disconnection, and what relationships emotionally mean to us.
A Different Way of Relating
Counselling can offer a space to explore these experiences with greater understanding and compassion. Because therapy is itself a relationship, some of the same questions and feelings that arise elsewhere can also appear in the counselling session: wondering whether you have been understood, noticing moments of connection or distance, or feeling unsure about how you are being perceived.
Over time, these experiences can become easier to notice, talk about, and make sense of. Rather than feeling overwhelming or defining, they can be approached with greater curiosity and understanding.
Many people begin to find that relationships feel less like something they need to get right and more like something that can be navigated together. Misunderstandings and moments of disconnection do not always have to mean rejection, and relationships do not have to be perfect in order to remain meaningful.
Counselling as a Relationship
Counselling can also provide space to reflect on longer-standing relational patterns, such as seeking reassurance, anticipating rejection, withdrawing when things feel uncertain, or finding yourself in relationships that leave you feeling unseen or unsettled.
Over time, this can help relationships feel steadier, more reciprocal, and less shaped by fear. It can also create space to explore what trust, connection, and mutual understanding might look like in your life.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Benjamin, J. (2004). Beyond doer and done to: An intersubjective view of thirdness. Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 73(1), 5–46.
- Erikson, E. H. (1950). Childhood and society. W. W. Norton & Company.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., & Mandy, W. (2020). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: A narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 7(4), 306–317.
- McWilliams, N. (2011). Psychoanalytic diagnosis: Understanding personality structure in the clinical process (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.
- Sartre, J.-P. (2003). Being and nothingness (H. E. Barnes, Trans.). Routledge. (Original work published 1943)
- Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293.
- Yalom, I. D. (2002). The gift of therapy: An open letter to a new generation of therapists and their patients. HarperCollins.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.