What Is Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy?

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Understanding yourself with greater compassion and acceptance

04 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

If you’re neurodivergent, or wondering whether you might be, you may have spent a long time trying to understand why some parts of life seem to take so much more effort. Perhaps you’ve become used to adapting, masking or pushing yourself to keep up with what is expected of you, even when you’re not always sure what you need yourself.

Sometimes, understanding your neurodivergence can bring a sense of relief. It can also bring new questions. You might start looking back at your experiences differently, wondering what you’ve been carrying, what you’ve learned to hide, and whether there might be a way of living that feels more comfortable and more like you.

Counselling can give you time to slow things down and make sense of your experiences at your own pace. We can talk about what life has been like for you, what feels difficult, what helps and what you might need more of. It can be a place to feel understood and accepted, where you can talk openly about what’s going on and gradually become clearer about what you need.

From there, counselling can help you find ways of doing things that work better for you, whether that means setting boundaries, making more space for your energy, understanding your relationships or simply feeling more comfortable in yourself. Over time, you may find that you understand yourself more clearly, feel more confident in what you need and have a better sense of what works for you.

Over time, this can make it easier to recognise your needs, trust your own experiences and make choices that feel right for you. It can also be an opportunity to think about what you want from your relationships, work and everyday life, and what might help things feel more manageable.

Whether you’re newly exploring neurodiversity, have received a recent diagnosis, or have understood yourself in this way for many years, therapy can offer a space to be yourself, make sense of what you’ve experienced and think about where you’d like to go from here (Singer, 2017; Armstrong, 2010).

Understanding Neurodiversity

Neurodiversity recognises that people naturally experience and make sense of the world in different ways. It includes a range of ways of being and thinking, including autism, ADHD, AuDHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and other forms of neurodivergence (National Autistic Society, 2023).

Being neurodivergent can shape how you think, communicate, experience emotions, relate to other people and respond to the world around you. It can bring particular strengths, perspectives and ways of seeing things, while some parts of everyday life may also feel more difficult, especially when the world around you isn’t designed with different ways of thinking and experiencing life in mind.

For many people, some of the hardest parts can come from having to continually adapt to expectations that don’t quite fit. You may have learned to mask, push yourself through things that feel overwhelming, or spend a lot of time trying to work out what is expected of you. Over time, this can leave you feeling exhausted, disconnected from yourself, or unsure of what you actually need, especially when life is already feeling busy, overwhelming or uncertain.

Counselling can offer a space to slow down and make sense of these experiences without having to justify or change who you are. Together, you can begin to understand what works for you, recognise your needs and think about what might help life feel more manageable and more like your own (Armstrong, 2010).

When things have started to feel harder

There isn’t one particular reason why a neurodivergent person might come to counselling. You might be feeling burnt out, struggling with anxiety, finding relationships difficult, or trying to make sense of a recent diagnosis. You may be wondering whether you could be neurodivergent yourself, or simply trying to understand why some parts of life seem to take more effort than they do for other people.

Sometimes there is a particular part of life you want to talk about, such as relationships, confidence, boundaries, identity or a period of change. At other times, it can be harder to put your finger on what you need. You may simply know that you’re tired, something doesn’t feel right, or you’d like to understand yourself better.

Counselling can offer a space to talk about whatever feels important to you, without needing to arrive with a clear explanation or a plan. It can be a place to make sense of your experiences and begin to think about what you want for yourself.

When Fitting In Becomes Exhausting

Many neurodivergent people become very good at adapting to the people and environments around them. You might find yourself thinking carefully about what to say, noticing how other people are behaving and adjusting your own way of doing things without even really thinking about it. Perhaps you replay conversations afterwards, wonder whether you came across the way you meant to, or find that you need some quiet time after being around people.

For many people, these ways of adapting have been part of life for so long that they can be difficult to notice. You may simply think, “Isn’t everyone doing this?” or assume that everyone else has somehow worked out a way of managing that you haven’t quite found yet. Research into autistic masking has highlighted how these kinds of adaptations can become a familiar part of everyday life (Hull et al., 2017).

Over time, constantly adjusting yourself can take energy. You might find that you’re much more comfortable when you’re on your own, or that you feel drained after a day of work, socialising or simply trying to keep up. You may also start wondering what it would be like to spend less time thinking about how you should be and more time feeling comfortable being yourself (Raymaker et al., 2020).

Understanding this can be an important part of understanding yourself. Rather than seeing these adaptations as something you need to get better at, you can begin to notice when you’re doing them, what they’re helping you with, and what you might need instead.

For some people, that can open up a gentler question: What would life feel like if I didn’t have to work quite so hard at fitting in?

A Space to Explore

Counselling can be a place to talk through some of the things you may have been trying to work out on your own. Maybe you’ve found yourself wondering, “Why does everything seem to take so much energy?” or “Why is it so hard to know what I actually need?”

Perhaps you’ve become very good putting other people first, but aren’t always sure what you want for yourself. You might want to understand masking and what it would feel like to spend a little less time second-guessing yourself, trying to get things “right” or working out how you’re supposed to come across.

You may be thinking about boundaries, people-pleasing or perfectionism, or finding it difficult to say no without feeling guilty. For some people, there can be a growing sense of “I don’t really know who I am underneath all of this.” Research suggests that masking or camouflaging can be closely connected with identity, self-esteem, relationships and wellbeing for autistic people (Zhuang et al., 2023).

You might also want to make sense of burnout, overwhelm or why you need so much time to recover after work, socialising or simply being around people. Perhaps you’re trying to understand what drains your energy, what helps you recharge and what you can do differently when you notice you’re reaching your limit.

Relationships can be another part of this, whether that means understanding familiar patterns, communicating what you need or finding ways of relating to people that feel more comfortable.

For some people, counselling is also part of making sense of a late diagnosis or a new understanding of themselves. You may find yourself looking back at childhood, friendships, work or relationships and thinking, “Maybe there was a reason things felt this way.”

A Space to Feel Understood

Counselling can give you space to talk about what’s been happening, make sense of your experiences and work out what might help. You don’t need to arrive with everything worked out. Sometimes it can simply be a relief to have someone who listens, understands where you’re coming from and gives you the time and space to think things through.

Whether you’re autistic, have ADHD or AuDHD, or are wondering whether you might be neurodivergent, having that kind of space can make it easier to open up, understand yourself and feel a little less alone with what you’ve been carrying.

Over time, counselling can help you understand more about why things have felt the way they have, become clearer about what you need and find ways of moving forward that feel right for you. It can be a place where you feel accepted for who you are, while still having space to grow, change and work towards the life you want.

If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.

References:

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.

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