Finding Joy and Your Way Back to Yourself
25 February – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Some autistic people and people with ADHD or AuDHD know this feeling deeply: a kind of exhaustion that goes beyond ordinary tiredness and is not always eased by rest alone. During burnout, even the simplest parts of everyday life can begin to feel overwhelming. Tasks that once felt manageable may take enormous effort, sensory experiences can become more intense, and the things that usually bring comfort, interest, or joy may start to feel distant or out of reach.
Autistic and ADHD burnout is much more than “being tired” or “stressed.” It is increasingly understood as a whole-system state of exhaustion that can affect thinking, emotions, sensory processing, identity, and day-to-day functioning (Higgins et al., 2021).
Importantly, burnout is not a sign of personal weakness or a lack of resilience. For many neurodivergent people, it can be understood as a natural response to living with prolonged demands, chronic stress, and environments that do not adequately support their needs.
If you are experiencing burnout, you may find yourself wondering where your energy, motivation, or sense of self has gone. You may also notice that moments of pleasure, curiosity, or connection feel harder to access than they once did.
This article explores what autistic and ADHD burnout is, why joy often seems to disappear during these experiences, and how reconnecting with small moments of comfort, interest, and joy, gently and compassionately, can become an important part of recovery.
What is autistic, AuDHD and ADHD burnout?
Burnout often develops slowly. Many people describe carrying on for years, sometimes decades, by pushing through, adapting, and finding ways to cope, until they reach a point where their usual strategies no longer work and everyday life starts to feel increasingly overwhelming.
Autistic burnout has been described as chronic physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion, often accompanied by a loss of skills and a reduced capacity to manage sensory and social demands (Raymaker et al., 2020).
ADHD burnout, while less clearly defined in research, is commonly associated with the ongoing effort of self-regulation, executive functioning demands, and cycles of overextending yourself and then having little left to give (Barkley, 2015).
Burnout can look different for different people, but it may include:
- Exhaustion that does not improve with rest
- Increased sensitivity to light, noise, or other sensory experiences
- Difficulty concentrating, organising, or making decisions
- Shutdowns, meltdowns, or feeling more emotionally overwhelmed
- Finding it harder to find words or communicate
- Pulling away from hobbies, interests, or activities that once felt meaningful
One of the most important things to know about burnout is that it is often shaped by context. Many autistic and ADHD adults notice that their wellbeing improves when demands are reduced, expectations become more manageable, or they have greater understanding and support around their needs (Higgins et al., 2021).
This reminds us that burnout is not a personal failure or a sign that you are not coping well enough. Often, it reflects the strain of living for too long in ways or environments that ask more of you than is sustainable.
The hidden cost of masking and “coping well”
One of the experiences that many autistic, ADHD, and AuDHD adults describe as contributing to burnout is masking. Masking involves hiding, suppressing, or adapting parts of yourself in order to fit in, avoid judgement, or meet expectations.
As therapist Lori Gottlieb observes, people who appear to be coping well on the outside are often carrying struggles that remain unseen by others (Gottlieb, 2019). Many neurodivergent people become highly skilled at appearing “fine” while overextending themselves to manage everyday life.
Masking can involve constantly monitoring your behaviour, thinking carefully about what to say, adjusting your emotional responses, or working hard to keep up with expectations around productivity and social interaction. For many people, these adaptations begin as ways of getting through the day or feeling accepted. Over time, however, they can become exhausting (Hull, 2017).
Research suggests that living under prolonged stress can place significant demands on both the mind and body. From a physiological perspective, long-term stress contributes to increased allostatic load, the cumulative wear and tear that builds up when our systems are repeatedly asked to adapt and stay on high alert (McEwen & Akil, 2020).
Understanding the role of masking can bring a different kind of question into focus: not “Why can’t I keep going like this?” but “How long have I been asking myself to carry more than is sustainable?”
Why joy disappears during burnout
During burnout, many people notice that joy, creativity, and a sense of aliveness begin to fade into the background. Life can start to revolve around simply getting through the day, managing demands, and holding things together. It can become harder to feel curious, playful, spontaneous, or emotionally connected to yourself and the world around you.
Rather than a sign that something is “wrong,” this is often a natural response to prolonged overwhelm. When life has felt too much for too long, our minds and bodies tend to narrow their focus towards coping, predictability, and survival.
Even activities that once felt comforting or meaningful may seem effortful, distant, or out of reach. Many people describe this as feeling as though they have lost a part of themselves.
Irvin Yalom suggests that psychological suffering often deepens when we become disconnected from authenticity, meaning, and aliveness (Yalom, 1980). In burnout, this disconnection can emerge when we have been carrying too much for too long.
The reassuring thing is that joy is rarely truly gone. More often, it has simply become hidden beneath exhaustion, pressure, and the effort of coping. Recovery can begin with gently reconnecting with the parts of yourself that have had to step back to keep going.
Moving towards Self-compassion
Many autistic and ADHD adults have grown up with messages that they are “too sensitive or “not trying hard enough.” During burnout, these old stories often become louder.
A more compassionate approach invites a different question: What have I been carrying or coping with for a long time?
Seeing burnout in context does not remove personal responsibility, but it can ease the burden of shame and self-blame.
As Lori Gottlieb reminds us, emotional distress often makes sense when we understand the circumstances in which it has developed. What can feel like a personal failing is often a deeply human response to prolonged strain (Gottlieb, 2019).
Emotional first aid
Psychologist Guy Winch describes emotional first aid as the psychological equivalent of caring for a physical wound (Winch, 2017).
Emotional pain is often ignored, minimised, or pushed aside, even though it needs care and attention just as much as physical injury.
This idea can feel especially relevant for neurodivergent people, many of whom spend long periods managing overwhelm, navigating environments that do not fit their needs, or using enormous amounts of energy simply to keep going.
When you are already exhausted or stretched beyond your limits, expecting yourself to simply “push through” or quickly get back to normal can be unkind. Often, what is needed first is not more pressure, but greater understanding, gentleness, and space to recover.
Letting Joy Come Back in Its Own Time
Emotional first aid during burnout may begin with acknowledging your pain without judgement, softening unnecessary demands, and responding to yourself with more care than criticism.
At times, the priority is not pushing forward but finding steadiness, rest, and small moments of reconnection with yourself and the world around you. As life begins to feel a little lighter and more manageable, many people notice that energy, interest, and a sense of joy slowly begin to return.
When we talk about recovering from burnout, joy is often framed as something we need to actively “get back” through motivation, positivity, or effort. For many neurodivergent people, this can feel exhausting rather than encouraging, particularly if burnout has followed long periods of pushing through overwhelm or trying to keep up with expectations.
More often, joy returns gently. It tends to reappear when life begins to feel safer, more manageable, and emotionally sustainable, rather than when we pressure ourselves to feel better. Sometimes recovery begins not with striving for joy, but by creating the conditions in which it can return.
Everyday warmth
Many of us carry the sense that we should always be striving for more or that fulfilment comes from achieving bigger and bigger goals. It can be easy to overlook the small moments that bring comfort, interest, or a sense of aliveness.
Research on everyday wellbeing suggests that joy is often found in ordinary experiences and in paying attention to what feels meaningful to us personally (Fredrickson, 2009).
Sometimes joy grows through self-acceptance, playfulness, and allowing ourselves to enjoy what genuinely matters to us, without needing to justify it or turn it into an achievement.
In this sense, joy is less about doing more and more about giving ourselves permission to notice and embrace what nourishes us. In everyday life, that might look like:
- Holding a warm mug m and noticing the heat
- Arranging something on a table because it feels satisfying
- Watching light move slowly across the wall in the afternoon
- Stroking a pet and feeling your breathing slow down
- Finishing a small task and thinking, “that’s enough for today.”
These moments are small, but they are regulating.
The courage to do less
One of the easiest things to do during burnout recovery is to aim for “getting back to normal,” even when that version of normal may have been part of what led to exhaustion in the first place.
Both Lori Gottlieb and Irvin Yalom write about the emotional work of letting go of who we think we should be and the unsettling, yet often necessary, process of finding a different way forward (Gottlieb, 2019; Yalom, 2008).
For many autistic, AuDHD and ADHD adults, recovery does not come from doing more. It often begins with doing less: less pressure and masking, fewer demands, and clearer boundaries. It may also involve creating more predictability and making greater room for your own needs.
In a culture that often values endurance and productivity, this can feel counterintuitive. Yet giving yourself space and time to recover is not giving up. It is a way of responding more kindly to yourself and the parts of you that have been carrying too much for too long.
Finding Your Way Back to Yourself
Recovery from burnout often begins with feeling understood and having space to explore what has become too much, what has been missing, and what you may need now. For many people, making sense of their experiences, exploring identity, and finding ways of living that feel more sustainable and true to who they are can be an important part of healing.
This kind of reflective space can also support meaning-making, self-trust, and gentle change. Over time, experiences that have felt confusing or isolating may begin to make more sense, and it can become easier to reconnect with yourself and what matters to you (Gottlieb, 2019).
Burnout can make joy feel very far away, yet many people find that moments of interest, pleasure, and aliveness gradually return as life becomes gentler and more manageable. Recovery often begins with permission: permission to slow down, to rest, to ask for help, and to listen to yourself with greater kindness.
Having a consistent space to explore these experiences at your own pace can make a meaningful difference. Sometimes, simply having somewhere to bring your whole experience, without needing to explain it away or push yourself to be different, can be an important part of finding your way back to yourself.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Barkley, R. A. (2015). Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder: A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment (4th ed.). Guilford Press.
- Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking research reveals how to embrace the hidden strength of positive emotions, overcome negativity, and thrive. Crown Publishers.
- Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Higgins, J. M., Arnold, S. R. C., Weise, J., Pellicano, E., & Trollor, J. N. (2021). Defining autistic burnout through experts by lived experience. Autism, 25(8), 2356–2369.
- McEwen, B. S., & Akil, H. (2020). Revisiting the stress concept. Journal of Neuroscience, 40(1), 12–21.
- Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion. William Morrow.
- Raymaker, D. M., et al. (2020). Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143.
- Winch, G. (2017). Emotional First Aid. Penguin.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.