Are You Tired of Trying to Fit In?

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Masking, neurodiversity and the exhaustion of always trying to get it right

16 Sept – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

For some people, fitting in does not always happen naturally. You might find yourself paying more attention to how you are coming across than to the conversation itself.

Are you making enough eye contact? Did you smile at the right moment? Do you seem interested? Should you say something now, or wait?

You might rehearse conversations beforehand, carefully monitor yourself while they are happening, and then replay them afterwards, wondering whether you came across as you meant to. Perhaps you’re holding back parts of yourself because you have learned what seems to be expected.

You may have been doing some of this for so long that it feels completely ordinary. Other people might see someone who is relaxed, friendly and comfortable socially, without seeing how much thought and energy can sometimes go into appearing that way.

And then you get home and feel completely drained. You might need to be alone for a while. You may not want to talk or answer messages. Even making a simple decision can feel like one thing too many. From the outside, you may look as though you are coping. Inside, it can feel very different.

We all adapt to the people and situations around us. But you may find yourself doing this much more often, and with much more effort, particularly if you are autistic, have ADHD or are AuDHD. This is often described as masking or camouflaging.

Why do we mask?

Research describes this as autistic camouflaging, or masking: changing, hiding or compensating for parts of ourselves in response to social expectations (Hull et al., 2017; Cook et al., 2021).

In everyday life, this might mean carefully managing eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice or body language, monitoring how you are coming across, or thinking about your responses and word choice while a conversation is happening.

Some people also find themselves replaying conversations afterwards and wondering whether they said or did the right thing.

These behaviours are not necessarily about become someone else. Research suggests that people may camouflage for very understandable reasons, including wanting connection, avoiding rejection or misunderstanding, and navigating environments where their natural ways of communicating are not always understood or accommodated (Zhuang et al., 2023; Field et al., 2024).

What can look effortless from the outside may therefore involve considerable attention and energy underneath. And sometimes you don’t even realise you are doing it.

It may not feel like masking at all. It may feel like trying to be a good friend, partner, colleague, student or parent. Like trying to listen in the right way, choosing your words carefully, holding back when you have more to say, or wondering whether you have been too much.

You may have become so used to monitoring yourself that it feels less like hiding anything and more like being considerate, getting things right, or trying not to make things difficult for other people.

Perhaps, over time, you have learned to hold back parts of yourself because you have been made to feel too intense, too sensitive, too direct, or simply different.

When adapting becomes exhausting

Most of us learn, over time, what seems to be accepted by other people. Perhaps you learned along the way that it was better not to ask too many questions, that being agreeable helped to keep things calm, or that making people laugh could make an uncomfortable moment feel easier.

Maybe appearing organised mattered, even when keeping yourself organised took far more effort than anyone could see.

You may have been told that you were too sensitive, too intense, too quiet, too distracted, or simply not trying hard enough. Or perhaps nobody ever said any of this directly. You just noticed what seemed to work for other people and, over time, learned to do those things yourself.

There is nothing wrong with adapting sometimes. We all adjust how we behave depending on where we are and who we are with. It can become harder when you feel like you are always doing it, checking how you sound, watching other people’s reactions and trying to work out the right way to be.

You might find yourself holding back something you really want to say because you are already wondering how it will be received.

Interestingly, the strategies that can help someone get through social situations more easily can also be the ones that take the most out of them. A recent review found that constant self-monitoring, particularly when masking has become automatic, can be exhausting over time.

People described effects on their mental health, relationships and sense of identity, including a feeling of becoming less connected to who they are underneath the mask (Field et al., 2024).

When you are not sure who you are anymore

This can be one of the harder parts. If you have spent years thinking about how you should behave, what other people expect and whether you are getting things right, it can be difficult to hear what you actually want underneath all of that.

You might start wondering: What do I enjoy? Would I do this if I wasn’t worried about disappointing someone? Why do I feel so different depending on who I am with? What do I need?

These questions can come up when life changes, after an autism, ADHD or AuDHD diagnosis, or while you are beginning to wonder whether you might be neurodivergent.

There can be a real sense of relief when things that never quite made sense start to fall into place. But that understanding can bring other feelings too.

You might feel sad about how hard you have worked to fit in, angry about being misunderstood, or grieve for the support you needed earlier in life. You might also feel uncertain about what is genuinely you and what you have learned to do to get by, or simply unsure about how you are supposed to feel about it all.

Masking can affect how confident you feel about yourself, particularly when it becomes automatic and hard to switch off. Yet it can also help you navigate friendships, work and situations where you do not always feel understood or accepted (Zhuang et al., 2023).

Other people may see you getting through the day. They may not see the mental effort behind it, or how drained you feel afterwards. You might begin to wonder: how much energy am I spending on trying to seem okay?

When coping starts to feel exhausting

Sometimes the effort catches up with you. You might find yourself needing much more time alone than you used to.

Social situations that once felt manageable can suddenly feel overwhelming. Everyday tasks may take more energy. Noise, busy environments or too many demands can become harder to tolerate.

Perhaps you can manage work during the week but spend your whole weekend recovering.

Maybe you keep cancelling plans because you can’t face being around people.

Perhaps you find yourself thinking: Why can’t I cope with things that seem so easy for everyone else?

Burnout can happen when life has been asking more of you than you have had the capacity to give. You might feel deeply tired, more easily overwhelmed, and find that everyday things suddenly take much more effort. Sensory and social demands, ongoing stress, feeling misunderstood or judged, and the effort of masking can all play a part (Raymaker et al., 2020; Ali et al., 2025).

What might unmasking look like?

If you have been pushing yourself for a long time, the question may not always be, “How can I try harder?” It might be, “Why does this take so much out of me?”

There is a lot of talk about “unmasking”, but it does not have to mean suddenly dropping everything you have learned. You might simply start noticing what feels natural, what leaves you drained, and what you do because you genuinely want to or because you feel you are supposed to.

Perhaps you can enjoy a conversation without rehearsing every response, spend time with someone without replaying it afterwards, or let yourself be quieter when you have nothing to say. For some people, unmasking may be less about becoming someone new and more about having a little more choice in how they show up.

What matters to you?

You might have spent years second-guessing yourself, wondering if you are being too much, trying not to disappoint people, or telling yourself that you just need to try harder. You might notice the difference between saying yes because something matters to you and saying yes because you are afraid of disappointing someone.

This is one place where ideas from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, person-centred therapy and existential therapy can be helpful. Being able to step back from these thoughts and expectations, rather than automatically acting on them, is sometimes described as psychological flexibility. This has been linked with greater life satisfaction, including in research with neurodivergent adults (Aller et al., 2024; Hayes, 2019).

This can mean stepping back from thoughts such as ‘I should be more organised’, ‘I shouldn’t be so sensitive’ or ‘I just need to try harder‘, and becoming more curious about what you actually want and need.

A place to be yourself

Counselling can be a place to explore masking, identity, relationships, boundaries, self-worth and overwhelm without having to perform or get things right.

We can look at the ways you have learned to cope while also making room for what feels more natural and sustainable for you. Sometimes having somewhere you can talk openly, without having to explain yourself, is a good place to start. You’re very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne. Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.

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