Why Everything Feels Fine Until Suddenly It Doesn’t
03 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
One day you’re managing. The next, everything feels harder than it should. You find yourself overthinking a message from a friend, putting off a phone call, or feeling surprisingly upset when plans change. Small decisions feel exhausting. Ordinary tasks take more effort than they used to.
Deep down, you know it isn’t really about the message, the phone call, or the change of plans. It’s just that the weight you’ve been carrying is becoming harder to ignore. Many AuDHD people know this experience well.
For days or even weeks, life can seem manageable. You keep going. You get through work, respond to people, take care of responsibilities, and carry on as best you can. Then a friend cancels plans, a conversation doesn’t go as you’d hoped, or one more thing is added to an already full week. What might once have felt manageable suddenly feels overwhelming, and you’re left wondering why something so small has affected you so deeply.
Overwhelm Rarely Appears Out of Nowhere
When people talk about stress, they often imagine a single event causing a reaction.
For many AuDHD people, overwhelm tends to be more cumulative than that.
A busy week at work.
Several nights of poor sleep.
Too many social commitments.
Sensory overload.
Trying to keep on top of life admin.
A misunderstanding with a partner or a friend.
Feeling let down by someone.
Managing uncertainty.
Masking your struggles while appearing fine on the outside.
Each thing on its own may seem manageable. Together, they can gradually consume more and more of your emotional, mental, and physical resources.
Some of that effort is obvious. Some of it is much harder to see.
Many autistic people describe the relief of being with people who seem to ‘get’ them. Research suggests that experiences of understanding, acceptance, and belonging can play an important role in wellbeing and self-understanding (Crompton et al., 2020).
When so much effort goes into navigating life in ways that others may not see, that sense of being understood can be deeply restorative.
The Cost of Looking Like You’re Coping
One reason the build-up effect can be difficult to recognise is that many neurodivergent adults become exceptionally good at functioning while struggling.
You still show up. You get things done, meet deadlines, keep on top of the housework, and answer messages.
From the outside, everything may look fine.
Meanwhile, a huge amount of energy may be going into adapting to different environments, managing expectations, navigating social situations, juggling your private and work life, and balancing competing demands.
For many AuDHD people, overwhelm is often less about one difficult conversation, unexpected change, or disappointment, and more about accumulation. The final straw may be visible, but the weight of everything that came before it is not.
Often, this experience is recognised long before the word “burnout” feels relevant. Instead, it may show up as feeling increasingly sensitive to change, finding everyday tasks harder to manage, becoming more emotional than usual, or needing longer to recover from demands that once felt manageable (Higgins et al., 2021; Raymaker et al., 2020).
Why Emotions Can Feel Bigger When You’re Running Low
The build-up effect isn’t only about energy.
It can affect emotional regulation too.
Many AuDHD people notice that when they have enough capacity, they can navigate disappointments, frustrations, and misunderstandings relatively well. Difficult experiences still hurt, but they feel bearable.
When stress has been accumulating, the same situation can feel very different.
A delayed reply suddenly feels deeply personal.
A criticism stays with you for days.
A change of plans can feel overwhelming or like the end of a relationship.
You find yourself becoming tearful, irritable, anxious, or emotionally exhausted much more quickly than usual.
Research suggests that both autistic and ADHD individuals can experience differences in emotional regulation, particularly during periods of stress and overload (Shaw et al., 2014; Cai et al., 2018).
Many people then become critical of themselves.
They tell themselves they are overreacting, being too sensitive, making a fuss over nothing.
But often what they are experiencing is not a personal failing. It is a sign that their resources have been stretched for longer than they realised.
Sometimes strong emotions are less about the event itself and more about the amount you have been carrying beforehand.
“But I Was Fine Yesterday”
This is something many people recognise: “I don’t understand, I was coping yesterday.”
Capacity is not fixed. It shifts from day to day depending on what has already been happening in the background.
Work can look fine on the surface while still slowly draining energy over time. Disappointments do not always land at once but can linger. Relationship tensions, sensory demands, and the ongoing effort of masking or adapting can all build up without being immediately obvious (Hull et al., 2017).
It is often only when something else happens that everything suddenly feels like too much. That moment tends to get most of the attention, even though it usually reflects everything that came before it
A Different Question
When overwhelm arrives, many people ask:
“Why am I reacting like this?”
A kinder question might be:
“What has been building up recently?”
Sometimes, as you begin to look a little more closely, you may wonder whether work has been more demanding than usual, whether you’ve been carrying a disappointment that never really had space to be acknowledged, or whether you’ve spent so much energy meeting other people’s needs that your own have taken a back seat. It might be that you’ve been coping with more than you realised.
Often, sitting with these questions can open the door to greater curiosity, self-understanding, and a kinder relationship with yourself.
Learning to Notice Earlier
Many AuDHD adults spend years learning how to push through discomfort. Over time, it can become harder to notice the early signs that something is becoming too much.
You might realise things are taking more effort than usual, or notice fatigue building, irritability increasing, or a stronger urge to withdraw.
There can also be a sense that emotional capacity is getting smaller, or that your resources are stretched.
Counselling can offer a space to start noticing these patterns earlier, before overwhelm becomes unavoidable. Not with the aim of removing all stress from life, but to better understand your own limits and respond to them with more care.
Meeting yourself with more kindness
Counselling can offer a space to explore your experiences through a neurodiversity-affirming lens. Whether you’re newly discovering your neurodivergence or have understood this part of yourself for some time, therapy can be an opportunity to make sense of your experiences, deepen your self-understanding, and explore what helps you thrive.
It can also be a place to meet yourself with greater kindness. Many AuDHD adults have become skilled at adapting, coping, and carrying on, sometimes at the expense of their own wellbeing. Over time, counselling can help you develop a more compassionate way of living and caring for yourself, one that feels more supportive and sustainable.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Cai, R. Y., Richdale, A. L., Dissanayake, C., et al. (2018). Emotion Regulation in Autism Spectrum Disorder: Where We Are and Where We Need to Go. Autism Research, 11(7), 962–978.
- Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). “I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people”: A thematic analysis of autistic adults’ relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438–1448.
- Higgins, J. M., Arnold, S. R. C., Weise, J., Pellicano, E., & Trollor, J. N. (2021). Defining autistic burnout through experts by lived experience: Grounded Delphi method investigating autistic burnout. Autism, 25(8), 2356–2369.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., et al. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
- Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., et al. (2020). Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew: Defining Autistic Burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143.
- Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion Dysregulation in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276–293.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.