Some Days I Need the World, Some Days I Need Quiet
1 July – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
There are days when you want to be around people. You reply to messages, make plans, and feel excited about things that are coming up.
Then there are days when the thought of another conversation feels tiring. You want things to be quiet. You cancel plans or take longer to reply and wonder what happened to the version of you who seemed so enthusiastic a few days earlier.
Perhaps you finally settle into a routine and feel relieved to have some structure, only to find yourself feeling restless and trapped by it not long afterwards.
Or you spend weeks longing for a slower pace of life, and then, when things become calmer, you start looking for something new to focus on.
For many people with AuDHD, this experience is deeply familiar.
Life can sometimes feel like living with different needs that take turns stepping forward. At times you need connection, stimulation, or novelty. At other times you need rest, predictability, or space to yourself.
Over time, these changes can become confusing. You may find yourself wondering:
Why can’t I just be consistent?
Or perhaps: Why don’t I seem to know myself as well as other people do?
Holding Opposite Needs
One of the challenges of living with AuDHD is that experiences that seem contradictory can exist side by side.
You may genuinely enjoy being around people and still become exhausted by socialising. You might love having a routine and also feel restricted by it. You may long for a quiet weekend and then find yourself feeling understimulated and restless.
Research increasingly recognises that the combination of autistic and ADHD traits creates a distinct lived experience that cannot always be neatly separated into one or the other (Asherson et al., 2016; Cooper et al., 2021).
Many people describe this as an ongoing push and pull between different needs, energies, and ways of engaging with the world.
The difficulty is that these changes can sometimes make us question ourselves.
If I wanted this yesterday, why don’t I want it today?
If I enjoy seeing people, why do I suddenly need to be alone?
If I was coping last week, why does everything feel harder now?
There are often no simple answers to these questions.
Sometimes We Don’t Know What We Need
Many AuDHD adults become skilled at carrying on. You get through work, keep up with responsibilities, and adapt to what life asks of you.
You may have spent years putting your own needs to one side, or learned to push through discomfort because it seemed easier than trying to explain it.
Over time, this can make it difficult to recognise what is happening inside.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t meeting your needs. It’s knowing what they are in the first place.
You may feel irritable without realising that you’re overwhelmed.
You might think you need to rest when what you’re longing for is connection, or keep yourself busy because stopping would mean noticing just how tired you are.
Many people only recognise their need for quiet when everything suddenly feels too much. Others realise they have been lonely only after withdrawing from people for weeks.
There can be a great deal of self-doubt in not knowing what you need and not trusting yourself to get it right.
“But You Were Fine Yesterday”
These changes can also be difficult for other people to understand. Perhaps someone has said:
“I thought you were looking forward to this.”
“You always change your mind.”
“I can’t keep up with you.”
“But you were fine yesterday.”
Comments like these can stay with us. Over time, we may start saying similar things to ourselves.
Maybe I’m unreliable.
Maybe I ask for too much.
Maybe there’s something wrong with me.
Yet capacity is not fixed. Energy, sensory demands, stress, and emotional experiences all influence what feels possible from one day to the next.
Research into autistic burnout suggests that many neurodivergent adults continue functioning long after their internal resources have been stretched beyond what feels sustainable (Raymaker et al., 2020; Higgins et al., 2021).
The fact that your needs have changed does not necessarily mean that you have changed your mind. Sometimes it means that something else has changed in the background.
The Hidden Loneliness of Not Trusting Yourself
Repeatedly feeling misunderstood, by others or even by ourselves, can be lonely.
Many AuDHD adults come to therapy carrying a sense that they can’t rely on themselves. They wonder why they become overwhelmed so suddenly, why things that once felt manageable no longer do, or why they seem to need different things from one week to the next.
Often there is grief in this too. Grief for the years spent trying to be more consistent, less sensitive, more productive, or easier for other people to understand.
Research suggests that many neurodivergent adults have spent significant parts of their lives masking or adapting to fit expectations around them, often at considerable emotional cost (Hull et al., 2017).
After a while, it can become difficult to know where adaptation ends and your own needs begin.
Learning to Listen Again
Self-understanding isn’t about being the same person each day. It often starts with developing more curiosity.
What has been taking my energy recently?
Am I needing rest, stimulation, connection, or space?
What feels difficult today?
What feels possible?
These questions are not always easy to answer. But they invite a gentler relationship with ourselves. Self-compassion involves responding to ourselves with understanding rather than criticism, especially in moments of difficulty or struggle (Neff, 2003).
For many AuDHD people, self-compassion may begin with accepting that changing needs are not a failure of character or evidence that we do not know ourselves. They may simply be part of being human.
Living well with AuDHD
Living well with AuDHD is not always about achieving perfect balance or being entirely consistent. It may be more about recognising yourself a little earlier.
Noticing when something is starting to build up. Be open to the idea that your needs might differ on different days. And perhaps trust that both the part of you that desires the world and the part that longs for quiet belong equally.
How Counselling can help
Counselling can offer a space to reflect and become curious about these patterns with someone alongside you. Many people find relief in no longer having to explain or justify their experience. It offers time to better understand your needs, develop greater self-compassion, and start building a life that feels more manageable, authentic, and sustainable.
You don’t need to arrive with all the answers. Sometimes it is enough to bring your questions, your uncertainties, ideas and thoughts and the sense that life has been feeling harder than it needs to. Together, we can begin to make sense of it.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Asherson, P., Buitelaar, J., Faraone, S. V., & Rohde, L. A. (2016). Adult attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder: Key conceptual issues. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(6), 568–578.
- Cooper, M., Martin, J., Langley, K., Hamshere, M., & Thapar, A. (2021). Autistic traits in children with ADHD index clinical and cognitive problems. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 30(8), 1247–1256.
- Higgins, J. M., Arnold, S. R. C., Weise, J., Pellicano, E., & Trollor, J. N. (2021). Defining autistic burnout through experts by lived experience. Autism, 25(8), 2356–2369.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., et al. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualisation of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., et al. (2020). Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.