Exploring people-pleasing, boundaries and self-compassion
20 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Do you often find yourself saying “yes” when you would rather say “no”? Perhaps you find it difficult to disappoint people, regularly put other people’s needs before your own, or spend a lot of time worrying about how others might react to your choices.
Many people arrive in therapy carrying an exhaustion that comes from always being available to others. They may be the person friends turn to in a crisis, the colleague who takes on extra work, or the family member who keeps everything running smoothly. From the outside, they often appear caring, dependable and capable. Inside, they may feel overwhelmed, resentful, disconnected from themselves, or unsure what they actually need.
People-pleasing is often described as a habit, but for many people it began as something much more important than that. It was a way of staying connected, staying safe, or finding a place within relationships.
Why people pleasing can feel so difficult to change
Caring for others can be one of our greatest strengths. Qualities such as empathy, kindness and generosity help us build meaningful relationships and support the people who matter to us. Difficulties tend to arise when attending to other people’s needs becomes automatic, while your own needs remain in the background.
The roots of people-pleasing are often unique to each person. Looking back, some people recognise experiences that encouraged them to focus on the feelings and needs of others. There may have been relationships that felt emotionally demanding, expectations around being helpful or accommodating, or circumstances that made it important to stay aware of what was happening around them. Over time, this attentiveness can become second nature. Other people’s needs are quickly noticed, while your own feelings can become easier to overlook (Bowen, 1978; Gibson, 2015).
Sometimes this develops in families where a parent was struggling emotionally, where there was illness, conflict or unpredictability, or where being “good” and accommodating was strongly valued. Over time, it can become easy to lose touch with an important question:
“What do I need?”
Instead, attention becomes focused on what everyone else is feeling, wanting or expecting.
Trying to fit in
For some people, particularly those who are highly sensitive or neurodivergent, this attentiveness to others can become especially pronounced. Many autistic, ADHD and AuDHD adults describe spending years monitoring social situations, adapting themselves to fit in, or trying to avoid disappointing others.
This can involve learning unspoken social rules, adjusting to other people’s expectations, or carefully monitoring how they are coming across. Often, these adjustments develop as a way of navigating a world that can sometimes feel confusing, overwhelming or demanding.
While everyone’s experience is different, constantly focusing on what other people expect can sometimes make it more difficult to stay connected to your own preferences, limits and needs. Some people find themselves becoming highly skilled at accommodating others while feeling less certain about what feels right for them. Over time, this can contribute to exhaustion, self-doubt, and patterns of over-accommodation or self-neglect (Hull et al., 2017; Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019).
The hidden cost of always being the helpful one
People-pleasing often looks positive from the outside. You may be known as supportive, reliable or easy-going.
Yet over time, always being the one who adapts can come at a cost.
Many people describe a feeling of always looking outward. Before making a decision, they think about how it might affect everyone else. Before saying no, they imagine the other person’s disappointment. They find themselves taking on responsibilities that were never really theirs, while their own needs are postponed for another day. After a while, there can be a growing sense of exhaustion, and sometimes a resentment that is difficult to admit even to themselves.
Sometimes people describe feeling as though they have become disconnected from themselves. They know what other people need but find it much harder to identify their own preferences, feelings or limits.
When old themes follow us into adulthood
Patterns that were useful in childhood often continue long after the original circumstances have changed.
Perhaps you still find yourself stepping into the role of mediator, problem-solver or emotional caretaker. Maybe family visits leave you feeling surprisingly young again, as though old dynamics quickly reappear.
You might notice yourself cancelling plans because someone else needs support, feeling responsible for fixing problems that are not yours to solve, or becoming uncomfortable when somebody is disappointed with you. It may feel easier to listen to other people’s worries than to share what is happening in your own life.
None of this means there is something wrong with you. These patterns often developed for understandable reasons.
The difficulty is that strategies which once helped us maintain connection can later make it difficult to experience relationships as mutual and balanced.
The difficulty is that strategies which once helped us maintain connection can later make it difficult to experience relationships as mutual and balanced.
Learning to recognise your own needs
Change often begins with noticing.
Before setting boundaries or making big changes, it can be helpful simply to pay attention to what happens inside you.
What do you notice when you imagine saying “no”?
What feelings appear when you consider asking for help?
What happens when somebody is disappointed with you?
Many people discover feelings they have spent years pushing aside: guilt, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger or uncertainty.
Rather than viewing these feelings as signs that something is wrong, it can be helpful to see them as information. They often tell us something about the rules we have been living by.
Moving towards more balanced relationships
Prioritising yourself does not mean becoming uncaring. Most people are not trying to care less about others. They are trying to make room for themselves within their relationships too.
This often starts with small moments.
You might tell a friend how you are really doing when they ask.
You might pause before agreeing to a request and give yourself time to think.
You might notice which relationships feel reciprocal and which leave you consistently depleted.
You might gently step out of the role of family counsellor, fixer or peacekeeper.
These shifts can feel uncomfortable at first. If you have spent years prioritising other people, even small changes can bring feelings of guilt or uncertainty.
With practice, however, many people discover something surprising. Relationships that can accommodate honesty often become closer, not more fragile. There is more room for authenticity, mutual support and genuine connection.f and them more clearly without reverting to old patterns.
Holding a kinder view of yourself
As people begin to understand their people-pleasing patterns, they often discover that these ways of relating did not appear out of nowhere. They developed in response to particular relationships, experiences and circumstances.
Looking back can sometimes bring a more nuanced understanding of the past. Many people find themselves recognising both the care they received and the challenges they carried. Parents, carers and family members may have offered love, support and positive experiences while also placing expectations or responsibilities on them that felt difficult to manage. Both experiences can exist alongside one another.
This understanding is not about finding someone to blame or rewriting the past. It is about making sense of your own experience with greater compassion and curiosity.
Over time, many people find that they can begin to relate to themselves differently. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?”, they start asking, “What happened that led me to respond in this way?” Carl Rogers (1961), who is known for his person-centred approach to therapy, believed that growth often begins when we are able to meet ourselves with greater acceptance and understanding rather than judgment.
Research suggests that self-compassion is associated with greater emotional wellbeing, healthier boundaries and lower levels of self-criticism (Neff, 2003).
Learning to recognise and express your own needs is not an act of selfishness. It is part of building a relationship with yourself that includes the same care, understanding and consideration that you may so readily offer to others.
Learning to Include Yourself
Many people come to therapy feeling worn out from always looking after everyone else. They find it hard to say no, worry about letting people down, or realise they’ve become so focused on other people’s needs that they’ve lost touch with their own.
Therapy isn’t about becoming less kind, thoughtful, or caring. It’s about learning to include yourself in that same care and compassion. As you begin to recognise your own feelings, needs, and boundaries, relationships often become more balanced, more genuine, and more sustainable.
If this feels familiar, counselling offers a warm, supportive space to explore these patterns, understand where they come from, and begin finding ways of relating that feel more comfortable, connected, and true to who you are.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Bowen, M., 1978. Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: Jason Aronson.
- Brown, B., 2010. The Gifts of Imperfection. Minnesota: Hazelden.
- Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911.
- Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents. New Harbinger Publications.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.