A gentler way of relating to yourself when self-criticism has become a way of life.
25 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Many people arrive in therapy carrying a sense that they should be doing better.
They may be capable, caring, hardworking people who are managing jobs, relationships, family responsibilities, and the many demands of everyday life. From the outside, they often seem to be coping well. Yet underneath, there can be a constant feeling of falling short.
A mistake at work is replayed long after everyone else has forgotten it. A difficult conversation lingers in the mind for days. Success brings relief for a moment before attention shifts to the next thing that needs fixing or improving.
Over time, self-criticism can become so familiar that it simply feels like common sense. Many people tell themselves that being hard on themselves keeps them motivated, accountable, or humble. They worry that if they stopped pushing themselves so relentlessly, they would become complacent or lose their edge.
Yet the opposite is often true.
Research suggests that self-compassion is associated with greater resilience, emotional wellbeing, and motivation following setbacks (Neff, 2011). When we feel safe enough to acknowledge our mistakes without attacking ourselves, we are often more able to learn, adapt, and keep moving forward.
The difficulty is that self-criticism is rarely just a habit. For many people, it has deep roots.
We learn about ourselves through our relationships and experiences. Perhaps approval felt closely linked to achievement. Perhaps mistakes were met with criticism. Perhaps you learned to compare yourself to others, or spent years feeling different, misunderstood, or somehow not enough.
This can be particularly familiar for many neurodivergent people, who may have grown up trying to understand expectations that felt confusing or difficult to meet, often receiving the message that they needed to change something fundamental about themselves in order to belong.
Whatever the reason, these experiences can leave behind a story about who we are and what we need to do to be worthy of acceptance.
The challenge is that those stories often continue long after the circumstances that created them have changed.
You may have built a career, developed meaningful relationships, overcome significant challenges, and achieved things your younger self could hardly have imagined. Yet part of you may still be measuring your worth through the eyes of someone much younger.
That is one reason low self-esteem can feel so difficult to shift. We are not simply changing thoughts. We are questioning an old relationship with ourselves.
Why We Stay Stuck in Self-Criticism
Many people find themselves returning to the same beliefs:
“I’m just being honest with myself.”
“It keeps me grounded.”
“If I expect the worst, I won’t be disappointed.”
“I’ve always been this way.”
“I deserve it.”
These beliefs can feel convincing because they have often been with us for a long time. In many cases, they began as attempts to protect us.
If criticism was common while growing up, there was an expectation to focus more on others, with your needs coming last, being hard on yourself may have seemed like a way to stay safe or avoid mistakes.
If you often felt judged, excluded, or not good enough, lowering your expectations of yourself might have seemed easier than risking disappointment.
Over time, these ways of thinking can become so familiar that they start to feel like facts. The difficulty is that what once helped us cope can continue long after it has stopped serving us.
Developing Self-compassion
Psychologist Paul Gilbert (2010) suggests that many people find it easier to offer understanding and compassion to others than to themselves. This might explain why it’s more difficult to develop a compassionate inner voice for ourselves.
Many people assume that self-criticism keeps them motivated. Yet when we constantly tell ourselves that we are failing, falling short, or not enough, it often becomes harder to take risks, recover from setbacks, or appreciate our strengths. Instead of encouraging growth, the inner critic can leave us feeling stuck, exhausted, or disconnected from ourselves.
There is an important difference between taking responsibility and punishing yourself. Taking responsibility means being able to acknowledge mistakes, reflect on them, and learn from them. Punishment goes further. It turns a difficult moment into evidence that there is something fundamentally wrong with who you are.
You can recognise that you handled something badly without deciding that you are a bad person. You can strive to grow without constantly feeling inadequate. You can be accountable without being cruel to yourself.
Researcher Brené Brown (2012) draws a useful distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt says, “I wish I had done something differently.” Shame says, “There is something wrong with me.”
One invites reflection, repair, and learning. The other narrows our world. It encourages us to hide, withdraw, or keep proving our worth over and over again.
For many people, developing self-compassion is not about becoming more positive. It is about learning to relate to themselves in a way that leaves room for being human and imperfect, making mistakes, and still remaining worthy of care and respect.
Beginning to Change the Conversation
One of the first steps is simply noticing how you speak to yourself. When self-critical thoughts appear, you might pause and ask: “Where did I learn to speak to myself this way?”
Often, the voice that feels like our own turns out to carry echoes of old experiences, expectations, relationships, or fears.
Rather than arguing with that voice, it can be helpful to become curious about it. What is it trying to protect you from? What does it fear might happen if you were kinder to yourself? These questions often open up a different kind of conversation.
Another helpful exercise is to reflect on moments from your younger years when you felt rejected, overlooked, criticised, or not enough. Then consider experiences from adulthood that tell a more complete story: times when you were valued, accepted, appreciated, loved, or capable.
The goal is not to erase difficult experiences. It is to recognise that they are only part of the story.
Trust, self-compassion and confidence
Confidence often grows in unexpected ways. Many people imagine confidence as something they will finally achieve one day: after reaching a goal, overcoming a difficulty, or becoming the person they think they should be.
Yet it often develops through a different process. Confidence grows when we begin to trust ourselves a little more, respond to our struggles with greater understanding, and recognise that our worth isn’t dependent on getting everything right (Whinch, 2014).
Research on self-compassion suggests that people who are able to respond to themselves with kindness during difficult times tend to show greater emotional resilience, well-being, and motivation following setbacks (Neff, 2011). Self-compassion creates the emotional safety needed for learning, growth, and change.
Finding a Kinder Relationship with Yourself
Therapy can offer a space to slow down and explore the relationship you have with yourself. Together, we might become curious about the standards you hold yourself to, the stories you’ve carried about who you need to be, and the experiences that have shaped the way you see yourself.
Along the way, many people begin to notice strengths, resilience, and qualities that have long been overlooked.
As self-compassion develops, life’s challenges often feel more manageable.
There is more room for learning, for uncertainty, for change, and for being human. People often find themselves approaching setbacks with greater perspective and meeting themselves with the same patience and understanding they naturally offer others.
If any of this resonates with you, counselling can offer a supportive space to reflect on your experiences, deepen your self-understanding, and build a more trusting and compassionate relationship with yourself rooted in self-acceptance.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
- Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Penguin.
- Winch, G. (2014). Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies for Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injuries. Plume.
- Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion Focused Therapy: Distinctive Features. Routledge.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.