What therapy can offer when life feels stuck, overwhelming, or uncertain
18 June – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
People come to therapy for many different reasons. Sometimes there is a clear starting point. A relationship has ended, anxiety has become harder to manage, a loss has changed something important, a diagnosis has raised new questions about who you are, or a life transition has left life feeling unfamiliar.
Often, though, the reason is harder to explain. There may be a sense of feeling stuck without knowing exactly why. Everyday life continues, but it takes more effort than it once did. Decisions feel harder to make. Self-doubt becomes louder. A feeling lingers that something isn’t right, even if it’s difficult to put into words.
From the outside, everything may appear much the same. Work gets done. Responsibilities are met. Other people may see someone who is coping well.Yet underneath, there can be a growing sense of disconnection from yourself, uncertainty about where you’re heading, or a feeling that parts of you have been pushed aside for a long time.
Having the time to stay with these experiences can be valuable in itself. Questions that are easy to dismiss in the busyness of everyday life often have something important to say. Sometimes what initially feels like a vague sense of dissatisfaction turns out to be connected to deeper questions about identity, relationships, meaning, or how we want to live.
When Something Doesn’t Feel Right
Many people come to therapy expecting to talk about a specific problem. Often, however, what brings someone to therapy is much broader than that.
A person who feels anxious may also be carrying a great deal of responsibility and finding it difficult to switch off. Someone struggling in relationships may notice similar patterns appearing again and again. Another person may feel exhausted from trying to keep up with expectations that no longer fit with who they are.
For some people, this leads to questions about identity, purpose, or direction in life. Others begin to wonder whether experiences such as autism, ADHD, AuDHD, or other forms of neurodivergence might help explain some of what they have been experiencing.
Whatever brings someone to therapy, there is often more to explore than the problem itself.
Looking Beyond the Problem
There is often more to people than the problems that bring them to therapy.
Someone may come because they are overthinking everything, struggling with confidence, feeling overwhelmed, or finding relationships difficult.
While those experiences matter, they are rarely the whole story.
Therapy offers space to explore not only what is happening, but also how you relate to yourself, other people, and the world around you.
How do you experience relationships?
What have you learned about yourself from the people and situations that have influenced your life?
What patterns keep showing up in your life?
Questions like these can help us make sense of difficulties that may otherwise feel confusing or frustrating. The idea that our experiences and relationships shape how we see ourselves and others has long been recognised within psychotherapy (Bowlby, 1988; Wallin, 2007).
Research also suggests that one of the most important factors in successful therapy is the quality of the relationship between therapist and client (Norcross & Lambert, 2019). Feeling able to talk openly, explore difficult experiences, and feel understood can create the conditions for meaningful change.
The Beliefs We Live By
Many of us carry beliefs about ourselves that have been with us for a very long time.
Perhaps you’ve come to believe that you need to keep everyone happy.
Perhaps asking for help feels uncomfortable.
Perhaps you hold yourself to standards that you would never expect of anyone else.
Or maybe you’ve spent years feeling that you need to achieve more, do more, or be more before you can finally feel good enough.
These beliefs usually develop for understandable reasons. They often begin as ways of coping, adapting, or getting through difficult situations (Wallin, 2007).
The problem is that they can continue shaping our lives long after we have stopped questioning them.
Therapy can offer a space to look at these beliefs with curiosity and compassion. Sometimes understanding where they came from helps us decide whether they still belong in our lives today.
This reflects the work of Carl Rogers (1961), who is known for his person-centred approach to therapy and believed that greater self-understanding can help people live more authentic and meaningful lives.
Reconnecting with Yourself
Many people come to therapy feeling disconnected from themselves, although they don’t always describe it that way at first.
They may feel exhausted, stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure about what they want. Sometimes there is a sense that life has become mostly about getting through the day, meeting responsibilities, or looking after other people’s needs.
This can happen so gradually that we barely notice it.
We become busy with work, relationships, family life, expectations, and everyday pressures. Over time, it can become harder to hear our own voice amongst everything else competing for our attention.
Some people realise they have spent years putting themselves last. Others notice they have become disconnected from parts of themselves in order to fit in, avoid conflict, or meet expectations.
For some neurodivergent people, there can be an added sense of wondering why things seem to take so much effort, or why they have spent so much of their lives trying to adapt to environments that never felt entirely comfortable (Price, 2022).
Therapy can offer a space to pause and reflect on these experiences. It can be a chance to reconnect with what matters to you, what you need, and how you want to live your life.
As existential therapist Irvin Yalom (2002) suggests, periods of uncertainty or change can invite us to reflect more deeply on ourselves and what gives our lives meaning.
Making Sense of Ourselves
People sometimes imagine that therapy is about finding answers.
Often, it begins with making space for questions.
Why am I finding this so difficult?
Why do I keep responding in the same way?
What is it that I really need right now?
As we begin to explore these questions together, things often start to feel a little clearer.
Patterns that once felt confusing begin to make more sense. We may notice how certain beliefs, experiences, or relationships have shaped the way we see ourselves. We may find ourselves responding with less self-criticism and more understanding and self-compassion.
This doesn’t mean that all of life’s difficulties disappear. Rather, we often develop a clearer sense of ourselves and a greater understanding of what has brought us to where we are today.
Meaningful change rarely happens all at once. More often, it grows from meeting ourselves a little better and approaching our experiences with greater curiosity and compassion.
You Don’t Need to Have It All Figured Out
Many people spend some time wondering whether to come to therapy. They may question whether their difficulties are serious enough, if things can change, or whether they will know what to say, or whether they should be coping better than they are.
There is no right way to start therapy. Some people arrive knowing exactly what they want to talk about. Others are carrying a feeling that is much harder to describe.
You don’t need to have everything figured out, and you don’t need to wait until things become overwhelming.
Some people come to therapy with a specific problem they want help with. Others arrive with a feeling they can’t quite explain, only a sense that something isn’t working as well as it used to.
Whatever has brought you here, you deserve the time and space to explore it.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
- Lambert, M. J., & Norcross, J. C. (2019). Psychotherapy relationships that work (3rd ed.). Oxford University Press.
- Price, D. (2022). Unmasking autism: Discovering the new faces of neurodiversity. Harmony Books.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Constable.
- Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in psychotherapy. Guilford Press.
- Yalom, I. D. (2002). The gift of therapy: An open letter to a new generation of therapists and their patients. Piatkus.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.