Why Do I Worry So Much?

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Understanding Worry Through a Neurodivergent Lens, with Self-Compassion

30 August – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

Sometimes, it makes sense to worry. There may be a difficult conversation ahead, changes at work, worries about money, a relationship that feels uncertain, or concerns about someone you care about. Perhaps you’re facing a major life change or wondering what you want from the next stage of your life. Often, we can point to the thing that is worrying us.

And then there are other times when you might find yourself thinking, “I don’t actually know why I’m anxious. Nothing is particularly wrong.”

Perhaps life looks manageable from the outside. You’re getting to work, answering messages, spending time with people close to you, and doing all the things you normally do.

Yet inside, there’s a feeling of being unsettled. Your mind keeps going over conversations. Small decisions become more difficult. You may find yourself thinking about what could go wrong, what someone meant by their message, whether you’ve forgotten something, or whether you’ve somehow upset someone.

For some neurodivergent people, worry and anxiety can become so familiar that they start to feel like part of everyday life. This doesn’t mean that being autistic, having ADHD, or being AuDHD inevitably means living with anxiety. But the way you experience the world, and the amount of effort some everyday situations require, can sometimes leave you with more to navigate.

You might spend a lot of time preparing for things, trying to work out what people mean, keeping track of what needs to be done, or thinking ahead about what might happen. Perhaps you’ve become very good at holding everything together on the outside, even when it takes a great deal of effort on the inside.

Research suggests that anxiety is common among neurodivergent people (Hollocks et al., 2019; Quenneville et al., 2022). But behind those statistics are individual experiences. Your anxiety might have something to do with uncertainty, relationships, expectations, sensory or social demands, previous experiences, or the amount you’ve been carrying for a long time.

Sometimes, it can be helpful to look beyond the anxiety itself and become curious about what might be underneath it.

Instead of only asking, “How do I get rid of my worries?”

You might also ask:

“What are my worries trying to tell me about the way I’m living?”

When worry becomes part of everyday life

Imagine spending years having to work things out as you go along.

Perhaps, over time, you’ve found your own ways of making life feel a little more manageable. You may have learnt to think several steps ahead, anticipate difficulties, or create routines that help you feel more prepared.

You might have become very good at appearing calm and capable. Other people may not realise how much thought and effort can go into simply getting through an ordinary day.

For some neurodivergent people, worry can become so familiar that you barely notice how much space it takes up. You may simply think of yourself as someone who overthinks, worries too much, or needs to be prepared for every possibility (Hwang et al., 2020).

Perhaps you’ve sometimes wondered why you seem to spend so much time thinking things through, or why it can be difficult to let something go once it has started playing on your mind.

There is no single explanation for these experiences, and your worries may be connected to many different things. But becoming curious about them can be a gentle place to start.

What are your worries trying to protect you from? What might they be telling you about what you need to feel more at ease?

When Not Knowing Feels Difficult

For some people, not knowing what is going to happen can be particularly difficult. When there isn’t a clear answer, your mind may keep searching for one.

What did they mean? What if I’ve misunderstood? What happens next? What if the plan changes? What if I can’t cope?

If you have ADHD, you may also find yourself carrying a lot of mental reminders throughout the day, keeping track of what needs to be remembered, organised or completed. When so much depends on remembering the next thing, it can be difficult to let your mind switch off. You might find yourself going over what you’ve forgotten, what still needs doing, or what you need to remember later (Altgassen et al., 2019).

For autistic people, uncertainty can sometimes be particularly unsettling when you don’t know what is expected or what is going to happen. Changes in plans, unclear expectations, unfamiliar social situations or sensory demands can all add to the feeling that you need to stay alert and work things out (Hwang et al., 2020).

And if you’re AuDHD, some of these experiences may overlap in ways that can feel confusing (Waldren et al., 2024). You might long for structure while also finding routines difficult to maintain. You may want to know what is going to happen, but also crave something different. You might enjoy being around people and still find socialising exhausting. You may seek stimulation when you’re bored, only to discover that you’ve had too much.

It can be difficult when different needs seem to pull you in different directions.

Making sense of these different experiences can be a helpful first step towards finding what works for you and what helps you feel more at ease.

Finding a Kinder Way to Understand Yourself

After enough experiences of forgetting something, misunderstanding someone, struggling with something, or becoming overwhelmed, it can be easy to start turning those experiences inwards.

Why am I like this?
Why can’t I just get on with it?
Why do I make everything so complicated?

Over time, these questions can become part of the way you see yourself. Instead of wondering what made something difficult, you may find yourself wondering what is wrong with you.

This is where self-compassion can make a difference. Self-compassion isn’t about telling yourself that everything is fine or letting yourself off the hook. It’s about finding a kinder way of responding to yourself when things don’t go as planned.

Research with adults with ADHD, for example, suggests that self-compassion is associated with better psychological, emotional and social wellbeing (Beaton et al., 2022).

There can also be something very practical about changing the way you speak to yourself. If you make a mistake and immediately think, “I’m hopeless,” you now have the original problem and the shame that has come with it.

If you can instead say to yourself, “Something went wrong. Let’s work out what happened,” there is more room for curiosity, compassion and confidence.

This is part of what can make person-centred counselling helpful. It offers a space to become curious about your experiences, and understand yourself more fully with greater acceptance.

When worry makes you question your life

Sometimes, worry can become difficult to live with. But there can be another layer to it too. What if some of your worries are connected to the way you’re living?

Perhaps you have a life that looks fine from the outside, but something about it doesn’t feel right. Maybe you’re doing the job you thought you wanted, but find yourself wondering how long you can keep doing it.

Perhaps your relationship is good in many ways, yet you keep wondering whether something is missing. Or maybe you’ve reached a point where you’re asking yourself what you actually want, rather than what you thought you were supposed to want.

You might find yourself thinking about making a change, then immediately worrying about everything that could go wrong. What if you regret it? What if you disappoint someone? What if you make the wrong choice and can’t undo it? Sometimes, staying where you are can feel safer, even when part of you is longing for something different.

You may have become very good at adapting and carrying on. From the outside, everything might look fine. But perhaps there’s a quieter question underneath it all: Does the way I’m living actually feel right for me?

This is where an existential perspective can open up a different kind of conversation. Instead of only asking how to make the worry go away, you can start thinking about the life you’re trying to create and what really matters to you.

What kind of life feels meaningful to me?
What really matters to me?
Where am I making choices because they feel right for me, and where am I living according to someone else’s idea of how life should look?

Existential therapy often explores questions of freedom, responsibility, meaning, relationships and the fact that our time is limited (Yalom, 1980). These might sound like big ideas, but they can become surprisingly relevant when you’re at a crossroads, questioning your choices, or wondering whether the life you’ve built still feels like your own.

You might find yourself asking:

Is this the life I actually want?
What am I afraid might happen if I made a different choice?
What matters enough to me that I’m willing to live with some uncertainty?

Sometimes, these questions can take you somewhere that another list of ways to calm down can’t. They can help you understand not just what you’re worried about, but what those worries might be telling you about the life you want to live.

Finding What Works for You

For some neurodivergent people, feeling more at ease may involve making a few changes to the way everyday life works. Perhaps you need a quieter environment, more reminders, a different way of making plans, or more time to recover after a busy day.

Sometimes, it’s about giving yourself permission to do things in a way that works for you, rather than the way you think you’re supposed to.

It may also mean looking at your relationships.

Who do you feel comfortable with? Where can you be yourself without having to think too much about how you’re coming across? Which relationships leave you feeling understood, rather than constantly evaluated?

And sometimes, understanding yourself differently can bring a sense of grief too.

Perhaps you’re beginning to realise just how much effort some things have taken. Perhaps you’re looking back at earlier experiences with a new understanding. Or perhaps you’re still trying to work out what is worry, what might be connected to neurodivergence, what is simply part of being human, and what belongs to a particular time in your life.

You don’t have to have all the answers before seeking counselling.

Sometimes, counselling offers a little space to slow down and sit with these questions. To make sense of what’s happening. To get to know yourself a little better.

And, gradually, to find your own way of living without spending so much time wondering whether you’re doing life correctly.

If worry has been taking up a lot of space, counselling can offer a chance to explore what might be underneath it. Sometimes, a conversation is a place to begin.

If you’d like to explore this, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.

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