Understanding yourself, making sense of your experiences, and finding a way of living that fits
7 July – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
People often come to therapy because something no longer feels sustainable.
Sometimes this happens after a diagnosis of autism. Sometimes it follows years of anxiety, burnout, relationship difficulties, or simply a growing sense that life seems to take more effort than it appears to for other people.
Many autistic adults describe carrying questions that have been with them for a long time, such as:
“Why do I feel so exhausted?”
“Why do relationships seem so hard?”
“Why do I often feel different when I’m surrounded by people?”
“Why have I spent so much of my life trying to fit in or be someone else?”
Counselling can’t provide simple answers to these questions. What it can offer is a place to explore them with curiosity and kindness, without the pressure to perform or become someone different. It can be a place where your thoughts and feelings are heard, and where you can begin to discover what you need to move forward.
Beginning to Make Sense of Yourself
For many autistic people, understanding themselves differently can be relieving. Experiences that once felt confusing may begin to make more sense.
You may start to recognise patterns that have been present for years: needing more time alone after socialising, feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty, finding change difficult, or feeling as though you’ve spent much of your life adapting to other people’s expectations.
Research suggests that receiving an autism diagnosis in adulthood is often associated with greater self-understanding and self-acceptance, even though it can also bring grief and mixed emotions (Nayyar et al., 2025).
Therapy can offer space for both. There may be relief that things finally make sense, alongside sadness for the younger version of yourself who struggled without understanding why.
Sometimes we might think: “I thought I was failing at life”, “I thought I was not good enough”, “I thought something was wrong with me.”
Therapy can help you begin to ask different questions, such as:
“What has your experience actually been like?”
“What helps you feel connected to yourself?”
Finding a Kinder Relationship With Yourself
Many autistic people grow up receiving messages, directly or indirectly, that they are too sensitive, too intense, too quiet, too direct, or somehow not the right kind of person. Over time, these experiences can become internalised and you may become your own harshest critic (Turnock, 2022).
A person-centred approach to therapy begins with the belief that people make sense in the context of their experiences and that understanding often grows in an accepting and compassionate relationship (Rogers, 1961).
For many autistic adults, being deeply listened to without judgment can be surprisingly powerful. Sometimes self-compassion begins with something very simple, such as recogning that perhaps you’ve been trying incredibly hard for a very long time.
Understanding Relationships and Patterns
Many autistic adults come to therapy because relationships feel confusing or painful.
You may find yourself replaying conversations long after they have ended, wondering if you said the wrong thing.
Perhaps you often feel misunderstood, struggle with conflict, or notice that relationships become exhausting or one-sided because so much effort goes into trying to understand what other people need or expect.
An interpersonal and psychodynamic way of thinking can be helpful here. Often, we begin to notice patterns that repeat themselves across relationships.
Transactional Analysis invites us to be ome curious about the stories we’ve come to believe about ourselves and our relationships, and whether they still fit who we are today (Steiner, 1974).
We may discover old ways of protecting ourselves, long-standing fears of rejection, or habits of masking and adapting that developed for understandable reasons.
Sometimes the question becomes:
“How have I learned to be with other people?” and
“What kind of relationships help me feel more fully myself?”
Research increasingly suggests that difficulties between autistic and non-autistic people often arise from differences in communication and understanding, rather than because one person lacks social skills or empathy (Milton, 2012; Crompton et al., 2020).
Many people find relief in realising that they aren’t “bad at relationships”. They may have spent years trying to bridge differences that require effort from both sides.
When Life Stops Feeling Sustainable
Sometimes, people seek counselling during periods of burnout or significant life change.
Perhaps you have started a new job, become a parent, experienced a loss, or reached a point where your usual ways of coping no longer seem to work.
Autistic burnout is increasingly recognised as a state of profound physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion caused by chronic stress and the effort of continually adapting to environments that do not fit one’s needs (Raymaker et al., 2020).
When burnout happens, people often begin to question the way they have been living:
“Can I keep going like this?”
“What do I actually need?”
“Why have I been pushing myself so hard?”
These are not only practical questions.They are also existential ones.
The Question Beneath the Struggle
Beneath anxiety, exhaustion, and relationship difficulties, there is sometimes another question waiting: How do I want to live?
A diagnosis, a period of burnout, or simply getting older can bring old assumptions into question. The life that once seemed manageable may no longer fit. The ways you have adapted for years may begin to feel too costly.
Existential therapy is interested in these moments of uncertainty and change. Rather than rushing to provide answers, it invites us to sit with important questions about identity, freedom, belonging, meaning, and how we wish to live our lives (van Deurzen, 2012).
Many autistic adults describe reaching a point where they no longer want to spend all their energy trying to fit into expectations that were never designed with them in mind.
Instead, the work becomes one of asking:
“What matters to me?”
“What kind of relationships feel nourishing?”
“What pace of life suits me?”
“What would it mean to live in a way that feels more authentic?”
What Does Neurodiversity-Affirming Therapy Mean?
Many autistic people worry that therapy will focus on changing who they are or helping them appear more “normal”. A neurodiversity-affirming approach starts somewhere different.
It understands autism as a natural variation in human experience rather than something that needs to be changed (Kapp et al., 2013).
This does not mean ignoring difficulties. Anxiety, loneliness, trauma, burnout, and relationship struggles are all very real. But rather than asking, “How can we make you fit in better?” therapy might ask:
“What has your experience been like?”
“What has it cost you to keep going in this way?”
“What supports you?”
“What kind of life feels right for you?”
For many people, having a space where they don’t need to explain themselves or justify why something feels difficult can be a relief.
Many autistic adults have spent years adapting, coping, and trying to keep up. Sometimes therapy is one of the few places where you can just be and reconnect with yourself.
In sessions, you’ll find space to slow down, to make sense of your experiences, to grieve what has been hard and to recognise your strengths.
It can be a space to become curious about who you are and what you need and to begin building a life that feels a little more like your own.
Whether you have been diagnosed, think you may be autistic, or are curious about what this might mean for you, counselling can offer a thoughtful, supportive, and steady space.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704-1712.
- Kapp, S. K., Gillespie-Lynch, K., Sherman, L. E., & Hutman, T. (2013). Deficit, difference, or both? Autism and neurodiversity. Developmental Psychology, 49(1), 59-71.
- Milton, D. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883-887.
- Nayyar, J. M., Stapleton, A. V., Guerin, S., & O’Connor, C. (2025). Exploring lived experiences of receiving a diagnosis of autism in adulthood: A systematic review. Autism in Adulthood.
- Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., et al. (2020). “Having all of your internal resources exhausted beyond measure and being left with no clean-up crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132-143.
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton Mifflin.
- Turnock, Amanda, Langley, Kate, & Jones, Christopher R. G. (2022). Understanding stigma in autism: A narrative review and theoretical model. Autism in Adulthood.
- van Deurzen, E. (2012). Existential Counselling and Psychotherapy in Practice (3rd ed.). London: Sage.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.