Understanding what we carry through life
15 Sept – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Have you ever found yourself doing something and thought, ‘Why am I doing this again?’
Maybe you say yes to something before you’ve even thought about whether you want to. Later, you feel annoyed with yourself for agreeing. Or perhaps you’re always the one checking in on people, listening to their problems and trying to keep everyone happy, while finding it much harder to finding your voice and ask for anything yourself.
You might notice the same things happening in your relationships. You worry about whether someone is upset with you, replay conversations in your head, or find yourself putting in more effort than the other person.
Sometimes we can recognise a pattern and still find it difficult to untangle and change it.
Where do our ways of responding come from?
As we grow up, our experiences can shape how we see ourselves, relate to other people and respond to life. We develop ways of coping and relating that make sense at the time, and these can sometimes stay with us even when our circumstances change (Bowlby, 1988; Fraley & Roisman, 2019).
Perhaps you learned that being helpful kept things calm. Maybe you became very independent because you couldn’t always rely on other people. You might have learned to avoid conflict, work hard, not make a fuss, or be the person everyone could depend on.
For many neurodivergent people, there can also be years of adapting to a world that doesn’t always feel like it was made with them in mind. You may have learned to hide parts of yourself, keep up with expectations or try very hard to get things “right” (Zhuang et al., 2023).
None of this means that something is wrong. Often, these ways of coping made sense at the time. They helped you navigate the world as you understood it then, even if they may not feel as helpful now.
Over time, we can develop ideas about who we are, what other people expect from us and how relationships work. Berne described these as part of a “life script”, the stories and expectations we can carry with us from earlier experiences (Berne, 1961; Stewart & Joines, 2012).
Understanding where our ways of coping came from can be helpful. But we don’t have to spend all our time looking backwards.
Sometimes, the more interesting question is: What do I want to do with my life now?
Knowing something doesn’t always make it easier
You might know you don’t have to keep everyone happy, but still feel guilty when someone is disappointed with you.
You might realise a friendship has become one-sided, but still find yourself checking your phone to see if they’ve messaged.
You might know you need a break, but find it hard to rest when there are still things you could be doing.
Knowing what you want to do differently doesn’t always make it easy to do. You might wait until you feel more confident, or hope the anxiety will go away before making a decision. But sometimes, we can take a step even when those feelings are still there.
You can feel anxious and still say no. You can feel uncertain and still make a choice. You can feel sad about something and still move towards what matters to you.
This is something that is helpful about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Rather than waiting for difficult thoughts and feelings to disappear, ACT encourages us to make room for them while still making space for the things that matter to us (Hayes et al., 2012).
What actually matters to you?
This can be a surprisingly difficult question. If you’ve spent years thinking about what other people need, what’s expected of you, or what you should be doing, you may not have had much space to think about what actually matters to you.
It doesn’t have to mean making huge changes. Maybe close relationships matter to you, whether that means a partner, family, friends or a few people you feel genuinely connected to. Maybe you live alone and really value having your own space, while at times wanting more connection in your life.
Maybe you miss being creative and haven’t made much time for it. Perhaps independence matters to you. Or family, curiosity, stability, kindness, or simply having enough time to yourself.
Sometimes, doing more of what matters to you can start with something quite small. It might mean saying no to something you would usually agree to, making the phone call you’ve been putting off, choosing how you actually want to spend your weekend, making more time for someone you care about, or finally telling someone what you really think.
It could also be giving yourself permission to do something simply because you enjoy it, without feeling that you should be doing something more useful instead.
It’s not about creating a perfect life. It’s about noticing whether the choices you’re making are moving you towards the kind of life and relationships that matter to you and help you feel more at ease.
How Counselling can help
Sometimes, it can help to have someone alongside you while you work out what’s really going on.
Counselling can give you space to slow things down, make sense of what’s been happening and explore what matters to you now. You might bring a relationship that’s been difficult, something you’re struggling with at work, a decision you can’t seem to make, or simply a feeling that you’ve lost sight of what you want.
You might also be navigating neurodivergence, or have spent a long time learning about yourself and trying to work out figure out what actually helps in everyday life. We can explore what’s going on for you in a way that feels collaborative and at your own pace, without needing to have everything worked out.
If any of this sounds familiar and you’d like to explore it, you’re very welcome to get in touch.
References
- Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. Grove Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Routledge.
- Fraley, R. C., & Roisman, G. I. (2019). The development of adult attachment styles: Four lessons. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 26–30.
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Stewart, I., & Joines, V. (2012). TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis (2nd ed.). Lifespace Publishing.
- Weissman, M. M., Markowitz, J. C., & Klerman, G. L. (2000). Comprehensive Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.