Finding a Way Forward with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
18 Sept – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Sometimes life can leave you feeling stuck where you are, unsure how to move forward or what you really want.
You might find yourself putting things off, going round the same thoughts, or wondering whether something needs to change. Perhaps there’s a conversation you know you need to have, a decision you keep avoiding, a job that no longer feels right, or something you’d really like to start but can’t seem to get yourself to do.
Sometimes you might not even know exactly what needs to change. You just know that things don’t feel right and you’d like to make sense of it.
You might find yourself thinking:
“I’ll do it when I feel more confident.”
“I just need to stop overthinking.”
“I need to get myself together first.”
“Once things settle down, I’ll know what to do.”
Sometimes waiting makes sense. You may genuinely need time, rest, support or a change in your circumstances. But sometimes waiting until you feel ready becomes part of the pattern that keeps you stuck.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, usually called ACT, offers another way of looking at this. Rather than waiting for difficult thoughts and feelings to disappear before you move forward, ACT explores whether it is possible to make room for them while also paying attention to what matters to you (Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, 2012).
It is not about forcing yourself through things or pretending everything is okay. It is about finding a little more flexibility in how you respond to what is happening.
What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy?
ACT is a form of psychological therapy that focuses on developing psychological flexibility. In simple terms, this means becoming better able to stay connected with the present moment, notice what is happening internally, and make choices that are guided by what matters to you, even when life feels difficult or uncertain.
Research suggests that psychological flexibility is an important part of how ACT can help people, with studies finding links between ACT and changes in acceptance, cognitive defusion, values-based action and psychological inflexibility (Macri and Rogge, 2024).
These terms can sound a bit technical, but the ideas are fairly simple. Acceptance involves making space for difficult thoughts and feelings rather than spending all your energy trying to get rid of them.
Cognitive defusion means learning to notice your thoughts as thoughts, rather than automatically treating them as facts or instructions. Values-based action is about identifying what matters to you and taking steps in that direction, even when you feel uncertain, anxious or uncomfortable.
Together, these ideas are part of what ACT means by psychological flexibility: having more room to notice what is happening, understand what matters, and choose how you want to respond.
The underlying questions are very human:
Is that helping me live in the way I want to live?
What am I experiencing right now?
What am I doing in response to it?
What do I actually need right now?
Is this helping me move towards the life I want, or am I trying to fit myself into what is expected of me?
What matters to me here?
Is there a small step I could take that feels right for me?
These questions can sometimes open up new possibilities, especially when you have been waiting to feel more ready, confident or certain before taking the next step.
Acceptance Can Make Space for Change
The word acceptance can easily be misunderstood. It does not mean liking something that feels uncomfortable, putting up with something that is not right for you, or deciding that nothing can change.
Imagine feeling worn out at work or at home because of ongoing noise, interruptions and social demands. You might notice that you are becoming overwhelmed and wonder whether you simply need to get better at coping with it.
But accepting that you feel overwhelmed does not mean you have to accept the situation as it is. You might need more breaks, clearer communication, different boundaries, changes to how things are organised, or a quieter space.
For neurodivergent people especially, it can be important to distinguish between accepting an internal experience and accepting an environment that is genuinely difficult to tolerate.
Sometimes it can be helpful to ask, “How can I respond to this in a way that helps me?” At the same time, you might ask, “What do I need, and is there something that needs to change?”
ACT can make space for both.
You might notice that anxiety is present while also recognising that a particular situation isn’t working for you. You might accept that you are overwhelmed while deciding that you need to say no. You might acknowledge that uncertainty is uncomfortable while still choosing to take one small step.
Acceptance means noticing what is happening, while still having a choice about what you do next.
What if the problem isn’t your thinking?
When we feel stuck, it is easy to assume that something about us or our thoughts is the problem.
“I’m thinking too much.”
“I’m being too negative.”
“I should be more confident.”
“Why can’t I just get on with it?”
But sometimes our thoughts are telling us something worth listening to.
“I’m exhausted.”
“I can’t concentrate here.”
“I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.”
“I need more time.”
“I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
In counselling, we can slow these thoughts down and look at what might be underneath them. Is this a familiar way of talking to yourself? Is it connected to fear, self-criticism or expectations you have been carrying for a long time? Or is the thought pointing towards something you genuinely need?
ACT can offer another way of relating to this. We can notice the thoughts without automatically treating them as facts or instructions (Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, 2012).
For example, there is a difference between:
“I’m going to fail.”
and:
“I’m having the thought or worry that I’m going to fail.”
The thought has not disappeared, but there may be a little more space to consider it. You might begin to notice where it comes from, what it is trying to tell you, and whether following it would actually take you where you want to go.
That can open up a different question: “Given that this thought is here, what are my options?”
Finding your values when you feel lost
When life feels uncertain, it can be surprisingly difficult to know what you want.
You may have spent years doing what was expected of you, keeping other people happy, following a particular path or trying to be the person you thought you were supposed to be.
This can be especially complicated if you have spent a long time masking, adapting to other people’s expectations or trying to work out how to fit in.
ACT uses the idea of values to explore what matters underneath particular goals.
A goal might be “I want to find a job.” The values that matter to you might include creativity, autonomy, connection, learning or having a life that feels more manageable.
Another goal might be “I want to make more friends.” You might value belonging, intimacy, playfulness or companionship.
Values are not a checklist you complete or something you have to get right. They are more like directions, helping you think about what matters to you and what kind of life feels meaningful.
That can bring up bigger questions too. What kind of person do I want to be? What do I want my life to stand for? What feels important to me now?
Values are not something you have to get right. They are more like directions, helping you think about what matters to you and what kind of life feels meaningful.
That can bring up bigger questions too. What kind of person do I want to be? What do I want my life to stand for? What feels important to me now?
And sometimes what matters to us changes over time. Something that felt right a few years ago may not feel so important now. Our priorities, circumstances and ideas about what we want can change too. You may have followed a path because it seemed sensible or was expected of you, and later find yourself wondering if it is still what you want. Sometimes finding your direction means noticing what feels right for you now.
What if I’m not ready?
One of the difficult things about change is that you may never feel completely ready. ACT’s idea of committed action is not about pushing yourself harder or waiting until you feel confident enough to act.
It is about asking, “Given that we don’t know what the future holds, how can I still live my life fully and make room for the things that matter to me?”
Sometimes it is about allowing yourself to have some fun again, making space for your hobbies and interests. Other times, it might mean setting a boundary, taking a pause, asking for support, changing a goal, recognising that something is no longer working, or making more room for relationships that feel nourishing.
This can be particularly important for autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people. Sometimes there may be things you want to understand or respond to differently or work on for yourself. At the same time, it can be important to consider the environment around you and whether you have the support, adjustments, boundaries, rest or space you need.
Could ACT offer something different?
There is no single therapy that suits everyone. Perhaps you have tried therapy before and come away wondering whether it was really for you. Maybe you were given techniques to practise or things to think about, but they did not quite fit the way you experience the world.
For some autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people, it can be important to have a space that makes room for the way you experience the world, how you communicate, process things, manage your energy and move through everyday life, especially if you have spent a lot of time masking or trying to fit in.
A neurodiversity-affirming approach can make space for these experiences while still exploring where you have choice and what you would like to be different.
ACT can be helpful for developing greater self-acceptance, stepping back from difficult thoughts, becoming more flexible in how you respond to challenges, and reconnecting with what matters to you.
Studies with autistic adults have found reductions in stress and improvements in quality of life and psychological flexibility, while work with adults with ADHD has found improvements in quality of life and self-acceptance following an ACT-based programme (Pahnke et al., 2023; Seery et al., 2023, 2024).
Therapy does not have to look exactly the same for everyone. Sometimes it is about finding words for something that has been difficult to explain.
Sometimes it is about understanding yourself with a little more kindness, or finding a different way to respond when life feels overwhelming. And sometimes it is simply about having someone who understands that the way you experience the world may be different.
What matters is that the therapy makes sense to you, and that you feel able to be yourself within it.
Where ACT meets other ways of thinking about therapy
ACT is one way of making sense of what you are going through, but it does not have to stand alone. Sometimes it can be helpful to look at things from a different angle too: what it is like to feel genuinely heard and understood, what happens in your relationships, where familiar patterns may have come from, or the questions you are carrying about identity, meaning, choice and uncertainty.
This is where an integrative approach can be helpful. Person-centred, interpersonal, psychodynamic and existential ideas can sit alongside ACT, offering different ways of understanding what is happening and what might be helpful.
We might spend time making sense of something from the past, notice a pattern that keeps showing up in relationships, explore what matters to you now, or think about what you might want to do differently. Sometimes understanding comes first. Sometimes a small change in how you respond can open up something new.
We can look at things from different angles and stay curious about what feels helpful for you. An integrative approach leaves room for the work to change and grow with you.
What does moving forward actually look like?
It might be smaller than you expect. Getting started on something you have been putting off. Saying something you have been holding back. Asking for help or an adjustment. Making more room for rest, enjoyment or the people who matter to you. Trying something you have been unsure about, or recognising that a path no longer feels right.
Sometimes it is simply noticing when you move away from what matters to you and beginning to find a different way forward.
I use ACT within a warm, person-centred and relational approach. We can explore what has brought you here, what you have already tried, what matters to you and what you would like to be different. Sometimes understanding yourself more clearly helps.
Sometimes it is about finding a different way of responding to something that has been keeping you stuck. And sometimes you realise that something around you needs to change.
There is room for all of that. Moving forward does not have to mean having everything worked out. It can begin with understanding yourself a little better and finding ways to make choices that feel more like your own.
Finding a way forward
You may not know exactly what you need yet. You may simply know that something is not working, or that you would like to understand yourself and your life a little differently.
Counselling can give you space to slow things down, make sense of what has been happening and explore what matters to you now. Having someone alongside you can help you untangle things that feel complicated, look at them differently and find a way forward.
You don’t need to have everything worked out before you begin. We can start with what is happening for you now and see where the conversation takes us.
Sometimes finding a way forward begins with having somewhere to talk about where you are.
If you would like to explore whether counselling might be helpful, you are welcome to get in touch.
References
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D. and Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change. 2nd ed. New York: Guilford Press.
- Macri, J. A. and Rogge, R. D. (2024). Examining domains of psychological flexibility and inflexibility as treatment mechanisms in acceptance and commitment therapy: A comprehensive systematic and meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 110, 102432.
- Pahnke, J. et al. (2023). Acceptance and commitment therapy for autistic adults: A randomized controlled pilot study in a psychiatric outpatient setting. Autism, 27(5), 1461–1476.
- Seery, C. et al. (2023). The Understanding and Managing Adult ADHD Programme: A qualitative evaluation of online psychoeducation with acceptance and commitment therapy for adults with ADHD. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 29, 254–263.
- Seery, C. et al. (2024). Feasibility of the Understanding and Managing Adult ADHD Programme: Open-access online group psychoeducation and acceptance and commitment therapy for adults with ADHD. BJPsych Open, 10(5), e163.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.