Why Is It So Hard to Say No?

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People-Pleasing and Finding Your Voice While Staying Connected

27 August – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog

Why can saying no feel so difficult? Perhaps someone asks you to do something, and you agree before you’ve really had time to think about it. Later, you realise you’re already tired, you don’t have the time, or you would actually have preferred to say no.

Then the worry starts.

Will they be disappointed? Have I been selfish? Should I change my mind?

For some people, this happens occasionally. For others, being accommodating can become such a familiar part of how they relate to people that it’s difficult to notice their own needs alongside everyone else’s. This is often described as people-pleasing.

People-pleasing doesn’t look the same for everyone. It can develop for many different reasons, including experiences in childhood and relationships, concerns about other people’s expectations, and a strong desire to belong or avoid conflict (Blötner, 2026; Gélinas et al., 2025).

For some neurodivergent people, there can be another layer to this. Years of adapting to social situations, trying to understand social expectations, or hiding parts of themselves can make it particularly difficult to know what feels natural and what has become a way of fitting in (Zhuang et al., 2023).

Can people-pleasing be a form of masking?

Some neurodivergent adults describe becoming very aware of how other people behave and learning to adjust themselves accordingly. This might mean changing the way they communicate, agreeing with others, carefully monitoring how they come across, or trying hard not to cause difficulties.

Research into autistic masking, sometimes called camouflaging, has found that people may adapt their behaviour for different reasons, including wanting to fit in, avoid stigma and build relationships.

For some, these adaptations can make social situations easier, while also becoming tiring or affecting their sense of identity and well-being (Zhuang et al., 2023).

It is worth remembering that everyone’s experiences are unique, and not every autistic person will recognise themselves in this.

For those who do, it can be helpful to look beyond the question of “How do I stop doing this?”

A question that might open up a more personal conversation is:

“What have I learned about how I need to be with other people in order to feel accepted and connected?”

When saying yes becomes automatic

People-pleasing doesn’t always look obvious.

It can be saying yes to plans before checking your diary.

It can be agreeing to help a colleague when you already have too much to do.

It can be saying, “I don’t mind,” when you actually have a preference.

It might be replying to a message immediately because you worry the other person might get upset if you don’t.

It can also mean becoming very good at noticing what other people need, while being less sure of what you need yourself.

Some neurodivergent people may recognise these experiences, particularly around relationships, boundaries and fitting in. You might find yourself automatically agreeing, worrying about seeming rude, feeling uncomfortable about disappointing someone, or only realising later that something didn’t actually feel right for you.

Everyone’s experience is different, but noticing these patterns can sometimes help make sense of feelings or situations that have left you feeling exhausted or conflicted.

For some people with ADHD and AuDHD, criticism or perceived rejection can feel particularly difficult. Research with adults with ADHD has found that experiences of criticism and judgement can affect how people see themselves and their relationships with others (Beaton et al., 2022).

Sometimes, we may respond by becoming more careful about how we behave, hiding parts of ourselves, or withdrawing when we worry about rejection (Rowney-Smith et al., 2026).

Saying yes isn’t always about wanting to do something. It may be about wanting to stay connected.

Listening to your needs again

One of the less obvious parts of mainly focusing on others is that, over time, your own preferences can become harder to hear.

You may be very good at knowing what other people in your life would like: what would make your partner happy, what your family expects, or what would make a situation easier for everyone.

Then, when someone asks, “What would you like?”, you may need a little more time to know.

This can be particularly noticeable if you’ve spent years adapting yourself to other people’s expectations.

It can also become more apparent during periods of change.Changes can happen at any stage of life, whether in midlife, earlier or later, and sometimes they make us stop and think about where we’re heading.

You might be starting a new relationship, becoming a parent, watching your children grow older, notice some friendships drifting, changing career, moving somewhere new or coming to the end of a relationship.

It might be a diagnosis later in life, a period of burnout, or simply a feeling that the life you’ve been living no longer feels quite right (Luhmann et al., 2012)..

Transitions can sometimes make us stop and think about whether the way we’ve been doing things still feels right. They can bring an important question to the surface: What do I actually want now?

Why can saying yes feel easier than saying no?

People sometimes assume that once they know what they want, saying it will feel easier.

But knowing what you want and feeling comfortable saying it can be two different things.

You might know you don’t want to do something and still feel guilty about expressing it. You might recognise that a relationship isn’t working for you and find yourself thinking about the other person’s feelings. Even knowing that someone is allowed to be disappointed doesn’t necessarily make it easy when they are.

For some people, the possibility of rejection feels particularly difficult. For others, it may be conflict, criticism or the worry of being seen as selfish.

And sometimes, being helpful, kind and easy-going has become such a natural part of who you are that it can be difficult to notice where your own needs fit in.

When life changes, what do you want now?

People sometimes seek counselling when a way of managing life or relationships that once worked well no longer feels right. You might be tired of always being available, noticing what you need more clearly, and wanting to make a little more space for yourself.

Sometimes, changes in our lives or relationships can prompt us to think again about who we are and what matters to us. For some neurodivergent people, this may include looking back at experiences of masking, fitting in and connecting with others with a new understanding.

Change can bring mixed feelings. There might be relief, uncertainty, excitement or grief, sometimes all at once. You may start wondering what you actually enjoy, what gives you energy, when you feel most like yourself, and whether you’re saying yes because you want to or because saying no feels difficult.

There doesn’t need to be an immediate answer. If you’ve spent a long time thinking about everyone else first, it can take a while to recognise your own preferences.

It might start with something very small: choosing the cafe you actually like, asking for more time before making plans, or taking a little longer before answering a message. Over time, these small moments can help you become more familiar with your own voice again.

Making room for others and yourself

Being considerate of other people can still leave room for you too. Relationships involve two people, each with their own feelings, needs and limits. Sometimes you’ll compromise because something matters to someone you love. At other times, you may realise that something you’ve been compromising on for years no longer feels right.

If you’ve always been the person who says yes or keeps the peace, people may notice when you start doing things differently. That can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to putting other people first. But it can also show you something about your relationships. Some may feel closer when there is more honesty and room for both people. Others may need new conversations about boundaries and expectations.

This connects with the person-centred idea that becoming more aware of your own experience can help you understand and trust yourself more fully (Rogers, 1961). It also fits with existential ideas about the choices we have in how we live, and with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and its focus on making room for difficult feelings while moving towards what matters to us (Hayes et al., 2012; Yalom, 1980).

You can’t always know how someone else will respond when you become more open about what you need. You can, though, become more aware of your own choices and what feels right for you.

Changing the pattern takes time. It can mean finding a way to stay warm, caring and empathic while giving your own needs, feelings and preferences a place too.

Self-compassion can be part of this. You can begin to offer yourself some of the same understanding and kindness you naturally give to other people.

Perhaps the question becomes: How can I make room for myself while staying connected to the people who matter to me?

You are part of the picture too

Caring about other people, being thoughtful and wanting your relationships to work may be an important part of who you are. You may be someone who notices how others are feeling, offers support easily and values connection deeply. These qualities can be meaningful parts of you.

There may come a point when you start wondering where your own feelings, needs and preferences fit into the picture too.

If you’re neurodivergent, you might also find yourself becoming curious about the ways you’ve learned to adapt to other people and the world around you. Which ways of being feel natural and supportive? Which leave you feeling tired or less like yourself?

You might find yourself wondering: Who am I now? What matters to me? What kind of relationships feel right for me? How can I care for other people while staying connected to myself too?

You don’t need to have all the answers. Sometimes it helps to have a space where you can become curious about what you’re experiencing and get to know yourself a little better.

Counselling offer a warm, supportive space to explore these questions, make sense of where you are now and find a way forward that feels right for you.

If some of this feels familiar, you’re very welcome to get in touch.

References

Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.

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