Why meeting up can take so much energy
9 July – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Have you ever come home after spending time with people you genuinely enjoy and wondered, Why am I so exhausted?
You might have had a lovely afternoon with friends, a family gathering or even just a coffee with someone you care about and you probably enjoyed yourself.
And yet, by the time you get home, all you want is some quiet time to yourself.
Perhaps you find yourself replaying conversations in your mind, wondering whether you talked too much, said the wrong thing or somehow came across differently than you intended. Maybe you’re thinking about a text that hasn’t been replied to yet or worrying that someone seemed a little quieter than usual.
If this feels familiar, you’re certainly not alone.
Many people quietly carry these experiences for years, wondering why socialising seems to take more energy for them than it does for others. They tell themselves they should be able to cope better because everyone else appears to manage so easily.
But social exhaustion isn’t a character flaw. It isn’t a sign that you’re weak, antisocial or “too sensitive.” Often, it’s a sign that you’ve been carrying far more than anyone else could see.
There’s often much more going on beneath the surface
Conversations aren’t just about talking.
While you’re listening to someone else’s story, you may also be noticing how they’re feeling, wondering whether they’re upset, thinking about what to say next and hoping your response comes across in the way you intend.
If you’re naturally thoughtful, empathic or reflective, it’s easy to carry conversations with you long after they’ve finished. Your mind may keep returning to what was said, trying to work out whether everything was ok or whether you missed something important.
Research suggests that many people continue reflecting on social interactions afterwards, particularly when they tend towards rumination (Nolen-Hoeksema, 2008).
When socialising feels like hard work
For many neurodivergent people, social situations can involve another layer of effort.
You might find yourself carefully watching how other people behave so you know what’s expected. Perhaps you’ve learned to hide when you’re overwhelmed, rehearse conversations before speaking or push yourself through situations that feel uncomfortable because you don’t want anyone to think you’re being difficult.
Many autistic, ADHD and AuDHD adults describe this as masking or social camouflaging (Hull et al., 2017).
Masking often develops as a way of feeling accepted or avoiding criticism. It can become so familiar that people don’t always realise they’re doing it.
The difficulty is that constantly monitoring yourself can be exhausting.
Over time, research has linked prolonged masking with increased stress, emotional exhaustion and burnout (Raymaker et al., 2020).
This doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It may mean you’ve spent years adapting to environments that haven’t always adapted to you.
Social connection is also a two way process. Sometimes difficulties in communication are not because one person is doing something wrong, but because people may have different ways of expressing themselves, understanding situations and interpreting each other. Milton (2012) describes this as the double empathy problem, highlighting that misunderstandings can happen between neurodivergent and non neurodivergent people when each person’s way of communicating is not fully recognised or understood.
The weight of wondering whether you’ve got it wrong
For some people, the most exhausting part of socialising happens afterwards.
You get home and start replaying everything.
“Did I interrupt?”
“Were they annoyed with me?”
“Why haven’t they replied?”
“Did I say too much?”
If you experience rejection sensitivity, these worries can feel incredibly intense. You might replay conversations, second-guess yourself or fear you’ve upset someone, even when there’s little evidence that you have.
Many adults with ADHD and AuDHD recognise this experience, sometimes calling it Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). Although not a formal diagnosis, rejection sensitivity is increasingly recognised as an important part of many people’s lived experience (Downey & Feldman, 1996; King et al., 2025).
A passing comment, a delayed message or someone seeming distracted can quickly become something your mind returns to again and again. Even when nothing has actually gone wrong, the uncertainty can feel uncomfortable. Many people describe feeling emotionally worn out not because the conversation was difficult, but because they’ve spent hours carrying it with them afterwards.
For some people, these experiences can sit alongside masking, people pleasing, putting lots of effort into staying connected, finding yourself in one-sided relationships, emotional overwhelm or the pressure to fit in.
Over time, carrying this level of emotional effort can become exhausting.
Caring deeply can be tiring
Some people naturally notice things that others miss.
You may sense when someone is upset before they say anything, notice changes in mood or find yourself thinking about how everyone else is feeling as much as your own experience.
This can be a wonderful quality. It often makes people compassionate friends, caring partners and thoughtful colleagues.
But it can also be emotionally demanding.
Elaine Aron (1996) describes how some people process emotional and sensory experiences more deeply, meaning they often need more time to rest and recover after busy or stimulating situations.
Sometimes it’s not the people – it’s everything else
Social situations often come with a lot happening all at once.
There may be background conversations, music, bright lights, unexpected interruptions or just too much happening in one place.
For people who experience sensory differences, all of this can become tiring, even if they’re enjoying the company.
It’s one of the reasons why you can leave a lovely afternoon feeling completely depleted.
Social exhaustion affects both women and men
Feeling drained after socialising is something that can affect people of all genders. Although it is often talked about in relation to women, many men experience this too.
Some women may feel pressure to be emotionally attentive, notice changes in mood and help maintain harmony in relationships. This kind of emotional labour can involve a significant amount of invisible effort (Anderson, 2023).
Men can experience their own pressures in social situations. Expectations around appearing confident, staying in control and managing emotions independently can sometimes make it harder to recognise or express what they are feeling (Mancini et al., 2025).
For neurodivergent people of any gender, social situations can involve extra effort around navigating expectations, sensory experiences and feeling comfortable being themselves. It makes sense that this can sometimes feel tiring.
Giving yourself permission to recharge
We all have different ways of restoring our energy, and part of getting to know yourself is noticing what helps you feel at your best. You may enjoy spending time with people and still need some quiet afterwards. It may simply be how you recharge.
Susan Cain (2012) highlights that many introverted people regain their energy through time alone, and many neurodivergent people find they also need space to recover from the social, sensory and emotional demands that can come with being around others (Raymaker et al., 2020).
Instead of judging yourself for feeling tired, try becoming curious about what helps you feel more settled. You might find that smaller gatherings, quieter environments, taking a break when you need one or giving yourself time to unwind afterwards make socialising feel more enjoyable and sustainable. The goal isn’t to socialise the way other people do. It’s to find a way that feels right for you.
How counselling can help
Many people spend years wondering why social situations feel more tiring than they seem to for others, why they replay conversations afterwards or why they often feel they need more time to recover.
It can be a relief to finally have space to talk about these experiences and begin to understand them with more kindness and compassion. Counselling can offer a safe, supportive place to explore what might be behind these feelings.
The aim is not to change who you are, but to help you understand and trust yourself, recognise your needs and find ways of moving through life and relationships that feel more comfortable and authentic. If you recognise yourself in this, having someone to explore these experiences with can be an important step towards feeling more settled and accepting of who you are.
If you’d like to explore this, please feel free to get in touch.
References
- Anderson, E. (2023). Hermeneutic labor: The gendered burden of interpretation in intimate relationships between women and men. Hypatia.
- Aron, E. N. (1996). The Highly Sensitive Person. Broadway Books.
- Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Crown Publishing.
- Downey, G., & Feldman, S. I. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1327–1343.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
- Mancini, V. O., Ditzer, J., & Brett, J. D. (2025). Internalizing symptoms in men: The role of masculine norms, alexithymia, and emotion regulation. Sex Roles.
- Milton, D. (2012). The double empathy problem. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
- Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424.
- Raymaker, D. M., Teo, A. R., Steckler, N. A., Lentz, B., Scharer, M., Delos Santos, A., Kapp, S. K., Hunter, M., Joyce, A., & Nicolaidis, C. (2020). “Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew”: Defining autistic burnout. Autism in Adulthood, 2(2), 132–143.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I am a qualified psychotherapeutic counsellor in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’re interested in arranging a consultation.