Understanding Ourselves and Finding New Ways Forward
30 October – written by Katrin Kemmerzehl – Blog
Have you ever wondered why you find yourself reacting in a familiar way, even when part of you wishes you could respond differently?
Perhaps you agree to something when you’d rather say no, then feel frustrated with yourself afterwards. Maybe criticism stays with you long after a conversation has ended, or you worry about disappointing someone, even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
You might notice that you often take responsibility for keeping other people happy, become the person everyone turns to for support, or find it difficult to ask for help yourself. Perhaps you pull away when a relationship feels uncertain, or struggle to recognise what you need until you reach the point of exhaustion.
We all develop ways of responding to the people and situations around us. Some of these feel comfortable and familiar, while others can leave us feeling stuck or wondering why we keep doing the same things.
Understanding these responses can involve exploring the experiences we’ve had, the people and relationships that have influenced us, the messages and expectations we’ve absorbed, and the wider circumstances that have shaped our lives. It also means considering what matters to us, what feels important, and whether the way we’re living feels true to who we are (Spinelli, 2002).
There isn’t necessarily one explanation for why we respond as we do. Different perspectives can help us make sense of our experiences and, perhaps, discover a little more freedom in how we approach everyday life.
How our earlier experiences shape the present
We don’t always recognise how much our earlier experiences influence the way we see ourselves and relate to others today.
From an early age, our experiences of being accepted, understood, encouraged or criticised can shape what we believe about ourselves and what we come to expect from other people. We may learn to keep certain feelings to ourselves, put others’ needs first or work hard to avoid disappointing people.
We also absorb messages about who we should be, how we should behave and what makes us acceptable. These patterns can become so familiar that we don’t always notice how much they influence us, even as our circumstances and relationships change (Bowlby, 1973; Berne, 1961; McWilliams, 2004).
For example, if keeping the peace was important in your earlier relationships, you may have learned to pay close attention to other people’s moods. As an adult, you might notice a change in someone’s tone straight away, wonder whether you’ve done something wrong or feel an urge to put things right before you’ve had time to work out what’s bothering you.
Perhaps this way of responding once helped you feel more secure or avoid conflict. It may even have been something others appreciated about you. Over time, though, it can become exhausting if you feel responsible for everyone else’s comfort while losing touch with your own needs.
Looking at these patterns can help us understand some of the feelings and reactions that arise in everyday situations. Sometimes, something happening now can bring up feelings or expectations shaped by earlier experiences, even when the people and circumstances are quite different. We might also recognise how these experiences have influenced the roles we take on in life (McWilliams, 2004; Berne, 1961).
Understanding these connections isn’t about blaming the past or deciding that the way we’ve learned to respond is wrong. Many of these responses developed for understandable reasons. But as we become more aware of them, we can begin to consider whether they still reflect what we need and want today.
This can mean making space for feelings and needs that have perhaps been overlooked, becoming more accepting of ourselves and thinking about what matters to us now. We might begin to question expectations we’ve carried for a long time and consider whether the way we’re living feels true to who we are. Gradually, we can find more room to make choices that reflect our own values and priorities (Rogers, 1951; Hayes, Strosahl and Wilson, 2012).
The past is part of our story, but it doesn’t have to determine what comes next.
The roles we learn to play
Another way of understanding familiar patterns is to look at the roles we find ourselves taking on in relationships.
Perhaps you’re the responsible one, the peacemaker, the person who listens or the one who always seems to manage. You might be used to being independent and not asking for much, or find yourself trying hard to keep everyone happy.
These roles can develop gradually through our experiences and interactions with others. We may discover that being helpful brings appreciation, that being agreeable avoids conflict, or that showing vulnerability doesn’t always receive the response we hoped for.
Psychodynamic thinking and Transactional Analysis both explore how our early experiences and relationships can shape the way we see ourselves, relate to others and respond to the world around us. They also consider how the messages and expectations we absorb can influence what we believe about ourselves and how we feel we should behave (Berne, 1961; McWilliams, 2004).
For example, you might have absorbed the idea that you need to be strong, get things right or put other people’s needs first. Even when nobody is asking this of you now, these expectations can continue to influence your choices and the way you relate to others.
Perhaps you find it difficult to say no because you worry about letting someone down. Or you feel uncomfortable receiving help because you’re so used to being the capable one.
Sometimes, the roles we play become such a familiar part of everyday life that we hardly notice them. We might even receive positive feedback for being accommodating, dependable or selfless, while privately feeling quite different.
Exploring these patterns isn’t about deciding that a particular role is wrong. Being caring, independent or responsible can be an important part of who you are. It’s more about having the freedom to decide when these qualities feel right for you, rather than feeling you always have to be a certain way.
You might begin to wonder: What would happen if I didn’t always take responsibility? Could I let someone else look after things for a change? What would it feel like to express a different opinion?
These questions can be explored in counselling and open up possibilities that perhaps haven’t felt available before.
Our relationships and the people around us
Our experiences don’t develop in isolation. The way we feel about ourselves is influenced by the relationships we’re part of, and the way other people respond to us can shape how we behave in return.
Perhaps you find it difficult to express your needs because someone close to you tends to become defensive. Or you might notice that you become quieter around certain people, while feeling much more comfortable and confident with others.
Sometimes, we can get caught in familiar patterns of interaction. One person becomes frustrated and pushes for an answer, while the other withdraws. The more one person pursues, the further the other retreats. Both may end up feeling misunderstood, even though neither necessarily intended to hurt the other.
Looking at these interactions can help us understand what happens between people, rather than assuming the difficulty lies with one person alone (Sullivan, 1953). We can explore how you communicate, what you find difficult to express and what you might need from the other person.
It’s also important to recognise that sometimes the difficulty isn’t simply how you respond. You may be dealing with a relationship in which your needs aren’t being respected, or an environment where expectations are unreasonable. Understanding the wider context can help you make sense of what’s happening and consider what might need to change.
Counselling offers a space to explore these experiences with someone who is interested in understanding your perspective. Together, we can make sense of what’s happening and consider what might help you feel more comfortable in your relationships and everyday life.
Understanding yourself in the context of neurodivergence
Sometimes, understanding more about how you experience the world can help things fall into place.
You might be autistic, have ADHD or AuDHD, or be wondering whether you’re neurodivergent. Perhaps you’ve spent a lot of time trying to meet expectations, finding your way through social situations or keeping up with everyday demands.
People find different ways of navigating social situations. For some, this might involve adapting how they communicate or behave, sometimes described as masking or camouflaging. This can include adjusting how we express ourselves, or trying to fit in with the expectations of others. Research has explored these experiences among autistic people and adults with ADHD (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; van der Putten et al., 2024).
Although adapting can sometimes help us feel more comfortable or connected to others, it can also be tiring, especially when there’s little room to be ourselves.
A neurodiversity-affirming approach recognises that there are different ways of experiencing and navigating the world. It makes room to explore what feels comfortable for you, what you find challenging and what helps you feel more at ease.
For example, spending time alone might be a way of recharging after a busy day, rather than a sign that something is wrong. You might find that certain environments, social situations or everyday demands take more out of you than others. Understanding these differences can help you recognise what works for you and find ways to make everyday life feel more manageable.
It can also mean looking at the expectations around you and whether they leave enough room for your needs. Rather than always trying to adapt yourself, you can begin to consider what might make life feel more comfortable and more like your own.
Understanding yourself with compassion
Looking at familiar patterns can bring up complicated feelings. You might feel sad about what you needed but didn’t receive, frustrated about how long you’ve struggled with something, or unsure how to make sense of experiences that still affect you.
A later diagnosis can bring a mixture of relief and sadness, as you begin to understand your experiences in a new light and reflect on what might have been different (Leedham et al., 2020).
It can be tempting to look back and criticise yourself for the ways you coped. But responses that seem unhelpful now may have made sense in a different context.
Perhaps keeping your feelings to yourself, trying to get everything right or becoming very self-reliant helped you through difficult situations. Maybe you learned to anticipate what others needed, avoid conflict or manage on your own when asking for help didn’t feel easy.
Rather than judging these responses, it can be helpful to approach them with a little more understanding. What were you trying to manage? What did you need at the time? What might have made things easier?
A person-centred approach places importance on being understood and accepted, including the parts of ourselves we might find difficult to share. Having space to explore our experiences without feeling judged can help us develop a more accepting relationship with ourselves (Rogers, 1957).
This doesn’t mean we have to like everything about ourselves or find a positive explanation for every experience. It’s about making room for our feelings and recognising that we deserve understanding, including from ourselves.
Over time, you might begin to recognise your strengths alongside your difficulties, feel more comfortable expressing your needs and become less caught up in expectations you’ve spent years trying to meet.
From understanding the past to living differently in the present
Understanding why we respond in certain ways can be valuable, but insight alone doesn’t always make change easy.
You may already know that you take on too much, avoid difficult conversations or judge yourself harshly. Yet when a familiar situation comes around again, it can still be difficult to respond differently.
This is where it can help to explore not only what happens, but also what you might like to do differently. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers one perspective. Rather than making the absence of difficult thoughts and feelings the goal, ACT explores how we can make room for our experiences while moving towards what matters to us (Hayes et al., 2011).
For example, you might still feel anxious about disappointing someone and choose to set a boundary because honesty, fairness or looking after your wellbeing matters to you.
Or perhaps you notice that you’re putting pressure on yourself to get everything right. Instead of waiting until you feel completely confident, you might allow yourself to take a small step, even with some uncertainty.
Sometimes, change begins with ordinary things. You might pause before agreeing to something or responding to a message, make time to rest without feeling you need to justify it, or tell someone that you would appreciate a little support.
It might also involve recognising when a situation isn’t working for you and considering what could change. Perhaps you need different boundaries, more understanding from someone close to you, adjustments at work or a better balance between your responsibilities and your own interests.
Existential thinking brings another dimension to this exploration. It makes room for questions about identity, choice, meaning and how we want to spend our lives (Yalom, 1980).
Perhaps you’ve spent so long meeting other people’s expectations that you’re not entirely sure what you want for yourself. Maybe you’re questioning a direction you’ve taken, thinking about what matters as you get older, or wondering what a more fulfilling life might look like.
These questions don’t always have straightforward answers. But exploring them can help you reconnect with what feels important and consider what you would like to move towards.
The aim isn’t to become someone else or to fit comfortably into every expectation or situation around you. It’s to understand yourself more fully and find ways of living that take your needs, values and circumstances into account.
How these ideas can come together in counselling
Counselling can begin with something happening in your life right now: a difficult relationship, a recurring worry, questions about your identity, a life change that has left you feeling unsettled, or the frustration of finding yourself in a familiar situation even when you hoped things would be different.
Together, you can explore what’s been happening in your life and how it’s affecting you. This might mean talking about experiences that have stayed with you, relationships that are important to you, how you tend to respond in certain situations or what’s been difficult lately.
The relationship we build in counselling can also be an important part of the experience. Having someone who listens and takes the time to understand your point of view can make it easier to talk about what’s on your mind. You can share your thoughts, ask questions, disagree and let me know what feels helpful for you.
There is room for reflection and making sense of things, but also for thinking about everyday life and what you would like to be different. Sometimes this involves exploring new perspectives. At other times, it might mean considering boundaries, choices, values or small changes that feel manageable.
What matters is having space to feel listened to, be yourself and reconnect with what feels important to you.
Moving Towards What Matters
Perhaps you’ve spent a long time trying to understand yourself and why certain situations feel so difficult. You might recognise some of the ways you respond to other people, yet still find yourself falling into familiar patterns, even when you wish things could be different.
Our experiences are shaped by many things, including our life experiences, our relationships, the roles we’ve learned to play, whether we’re neurodivergent, the people around us and what we’re dealing with in life today.
Counselling offers a space to explore these experiences at your own pace, with kindness and curiosity. You can begin to make sense of what’s on your mind, recognise what you need, explore the changes you’d like to see and reconnect with what feels important to you.
Having someone alongside you as you explore what’s been happening can be a helpful starting point. Over time, you may find yourself relating to yourself and others with a little more kindness, feeling more comfortable being yourself and discovering new possibilities for how you want to live.
If you’d like to explore this together, you’re very welcome to get in touch.
References
- Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy: A Systematic Individual and Social Psychiatry. Grove Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss: Volume 2. Separation: Anxiety and Anger. Basic Books.
- Cage, E., & Troxell-Whitman, Z. (2019). Understanding the reasons, contexts and costs of camouflaging for autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 49(5), 1899–1911.
- Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
- Leedham, A., Thompson, A. R., Smith, R., & Freeth, M. (2020). ‘I was exhausted trying to figure it out’: The experiences of females receiving an autism diagnosis in middle to late adulthood. Autism, 24(1), 135–146.
- McWilliams, N. (2004). Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. Guilford Press.
- Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-Centered Therapy: Its Current Practice, Implications, and Theory. Houghton Mifflin.
- Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103.
- Spinelli, E. (2002). The Mirror and the Hammer. SAGE Publications.
- Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry. W. W. Norton & Company.
- van der Putten, W. J., Mol, A. J. J., Groenman, A. P., Radhoe, T. A., Torenvliet, C., Agelink van Rentergem, J. A. A., & Geurts, H. M. (2024). Is camouflaging unique for autism? A comparison of camouflaging between adults with autism and ADHD. Autism Research, 17(4), 812–823.
- Yalom, I. D. (1980). Existential Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
Katrin Kemmerzehl
I’m a qualified counsellor based in Newcastle upon Tyne.
Please get in touch if you’d like to arrange a consultation.